Can we hash out the who is a single parent nonsense here?
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Anonymous
My partner passed away. I'm a single mother, but there's nothing hard about my life. It actually got easier, because they had some issues. Now we have support of about 10+ childless aunts and uncles, several sets of grandparents, my child's schoolmates and their parents, my friends, my co-workers and even my boss. They all stayed away before or were kept at arms length. Partners passing meant SS benefits for years to come, life insurance and inheritance for the child at 18. I was a divorced mom with my first child. I had to carry the chubby 8-month old on my back while walking dogs for living. That ex was too tired from laying around all day to watch his kid. There are several things in my life I can spin into a sad story and a happy story. I worked for minimum wage for my whole life, but still have every penny I earned and then some (my money, didn't inherit anything from partner). OR that I grew up poor with holes in shoes or shoes too small, but went to magnet boarding school. I had no fancy toys, but I did have 30 horses to ride daily. Pepsi was a rare treat, but we did eat organic locally grown, freshly cooked food daily. I didn't go to a doctor. Doctor came to me. I think it's really how one spins it that upsets people. I can spin in both ways. Imagine how upset my friends would be if I left the good parts out to get pity. I've been homeless, beaten, raped, locked up, and not seen my kids for months if case anyone wonders if there even is a sad part. The only reason all this happened was lack of money at that time. All this arguing might be about money, because that's how important money is. |
Anonymous
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Lol, my brother's girlfriend calls herself a single mom. Her ex husband has 50% custody and paid child AND spousal support for 5 years while she went to graduate school (meaning he 100% supported her and their daughter for 5 years after they divorced so that she could go to school full time). He still pays child support. She moved in with my brother at the end of this 5 year period and they are essentially married, but have decided not to legally marry for financial reasons (both have kids from previous marriages and getting married complicates things like financial aid apparently). But they own a home together, co-parent their kids together, and are in a long term committed relationships. All of their kids also have another parent, so they all have three parents.
Both her parents and her ex's parents live nearby and also provide childcare and financial support. But she will use the term "single mother" all the time. Our kids are the same age and she will often say things to me about how certain things are harder for her "as a single mom." Note that my brother, who is in an identical situation except for the fact that he doesn't receive child support (nor does he pay it, he and his ex have equal finances and they share custody and split expenses but no one pays support) does not refer to himself as a "single dad." He may have done so for the two years he was single after he divorced and before he met this girlfriend, but I've definitely never heard him say it since they moved in together. It's very weird. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think women in long term partnerships w kids, joint expenses and houses etc- fully mingled lives minus the “official peice of paper” consider themselves “single” mothers. I know a few and have never heard that. |
Anonymous
How about then if 50-50 where costs split and kids do go to each parent 50-50? |
Anonymous
This. My husband is in residency hundreds of miles away. I provide all of the financial support and nearly all of the childcare for our children. I’m not a single mom. I’m married. Being single is about relationship status. |
Anonymous
I agree. I think a good test would be if someone said to you "your friend Larla seems nice, is she single? I'd like to ask her out?" You wouldn't say "Oh, she's single" if she lives with a longterm partner and their 3 kids in the same home. You'd say "No, she has a partner". Same thing if she has a husband and he is deployed. You would not describe her as a single parent either. |
Anonymous
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Single is a relationship status. A single parent is a parent who is single. Some single parents have a very hard time. Some have it easier. Some married parents have a very hard time. That doesn't make them single.
I see so many married people on DCUM who whine about how hard it is to be a "working mother" or a "parent of small children". No one challenges the label based on exactly how much they work, or how small or how many the small children are, or whether they have a nanny, or a helpful husband, or an involved Grandmother. On the other hand, the amount of sympathy we have might vary depending on those details. |
Anonymous
My husband's ex did. She gets child support and alimony, plus live in boyfriend, doesn't work and screams poverty. They live comfortably but little goes the kids. |
Anonymous
I'm confused. Your husband pays child support for the boyfriend's kids? PP said that if you're in a long term partnership with kids born to that partnership you're not a single parent. If they're your husband's kids that's a totally different situation. Whether or not she has a boyfriend has nothing to do with whether he owes child support. They're his kids. |
Anonymous
I want to how the family is "living comfortably" with children, and yet not spending any money on the kids. The kids aren't living in the "comfortable" home? They aren't being fed? They don't ride in the vehicles, or go to the school associated with the "comfortable" neighborhood? Those things are his responsibility too. |
Anonymous
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This is stupid. Truly.
My friend single Mom whose ex makes $25 million per year gets dragged to court with litigation every year so he can try to claim he's too poor to pay child support. He's an evil, manipulative SOB. Mine, who makes substantially less, was convicted of DV and also has been a decade of drama - getting arrested, knocking up more women. You're going to argue that being a single Mom without a Dad in the picture is worse than the trauma of a coparent that is sick and whose mission it is to burn down your life and your children's lives? Ok, sure. |
Anonymous
Exactly. Some women want the sympathy that comes with the "single mom" phrase even if they are married or child habitating and in no way "single." There are women who think "single mom" just means they aren't married to their kids' dad, whether due to divorce or break up or whatever. They are incorrect, but this is surprisingly common. |
Anonymous
Perhaps it’s a “Flowers in the Attic” situation |
Anonymous
No, we have helped out the boyfriend’s ex-wife as the boyfriend -ap is a jerk and does not pay child support. Husband’s ex gets child support, alimony and boyfriend’s income. She doesn’t work. Boyfriends kids do impact us as I’m not letting kids go without basics because their mom is struggling, low income and dad plays dad to exs kids but not his own. |
Anonymous
Yes, but the kids work to pay their stuff and bike or get rides. Mom does not drive them anywhere except a rare occasion. She refused to get the youngest braces as she had to pay half out of the money she gets from dad and drive to appointments. It’s not a fancy neighborhood. And, public is free. They aren’t allowed activities. We offered to pay as long as we can pay directly since mom kept the money when we sent it to her many times upon request. |