Is there anyway to discuss a spouse's weight gain and not cause permanent damage?

[Anonymous]

I was 20 pounds overweight. My DW was blunt: you need to lose weight for your health. And it was obvious she didn't find the extra weight attractive. I have since lost the weight and some. In my experience, bluntness from my DW was entirely fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

I guess you are a cool girl who can roll with the boys. Many of us were/are affected by beauty standards portrayed in the media from a young age. Throw in diet obsessed or body shaming mothers and you have created sensitivity around weight talk. Look, I was 5'5 and 105lbs snd thought I was fat because my them (psycho) boyfriend told me I was fat. Repeatedly. Two inches taller, 30 years older, 40 pounds heavier and I still am sensitive about weight. By all standards I am a healthy, normal weight, but my sense of body image was damaged young. For all we know, ops dh is healthy bordering chubby and she's a psycho.

PP you replied to. I had a similar figure and my mother kept telling me I was fat as a teen. I resented her for it. But it hasn't damaged my self-esteem. When my husband encourages me to lose weight, I don't experience it as the same sort of irritating nagging my mother did. I trust him. He trusts me.

I know I'm going to come across as heartless, and I apologize in advance, but reading DCUM and all the posters who complain about body image issues and low self-esteem due to fat-shaming... at some point you've got to get over yourself and learn to take constructive criticism, from yourself or others. You've only got one life. Love your body, even when you're looking at it very critically. It's never going to be perfect, and the point is to keep trying, even when you know you won't achieve perfection. Striving to have a healthier lifestyle and slimmer figure should not be painful. It's even fun if you strive together with your spouse or children.

It’s weird for someone to lecture other women on their feelings about weight when she has to be told, apparently more than once, that she’s getting fat. Are you too incompetent to manage your own weight? You really need your husband to manage this for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 20 pounds overweight. My DW was blunt: you need to lose weight for your health. And it was obvious she didn't find the extra weight attractive. I have since lost the weight and some. In my experience, bluntness from my DW was entirely fine.

What other Captain Obvious tips do you require as an adult?

[Anonymous]

I addressed it. It hurt his feelings. But I would have addressed something like a drinking problem too. He got over it and is doing better. But I still lose some respect for him because of his poor eating/health choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I addressed it. It hurt his feelings. But I would have addressed something like a drinking problem too. He got over it and is doing better. But I still lose some respect for him because of his poor eating/health choices.

Don’t worry, he’ll find your younger, hotter replacement at the gym soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that men and women would receive this comment differently as a PP said. I, a woman, never did recover from xH’s years-long commentary on my PPD/ self-soothing weight gain. His approach was unvarnished bluntness, like he might’ve used (?) with a guy at work (you’ve gotten fat and you’re not as attractive as you were when we met 14 years ago)

Caveat - while a male might tolerate blunt negative statements better than a woman, and they might take action because men, doesn’t mean their feelings won’t be hurt. It’s really stupid to suggest that men don’t feel hurt. Especially OP’s guy who is obviously a sensitive dude.

I really can't relate to this level of sensitivity. It's just weight, people! I've gained weight. My husband tells me. He loves me. He doesn't say it to hurt me. What he says doesn't make me feel bad in the least. Right now he's the one trying to lose weight, because he gained a bit this year, and he expects me to make comments as to whether his diet is working or not. Shouldn't a husband and wife have that kind of honesty with each other?

What IS it with women on DCUM and how they process weight and figure talk?!?!?! I don't get it.

I guess you are a cool girl who can roll with the boys. Many of us were/are affected by beauty standards portrayed in the media from a young age. Throw in diet obsessed or body shaming mothers and you have created sensitivity around weight talk. Look, I was 5'5 and 105lbs snd thought I was fat because my them (psycho) boyfriend told me I was fat. Repeatedly. Two inches taller, 30 years older, 40 pounds heavier and I still am sensitive about weight. By all standards I am a healthy, normal weight, but my sense of body image was damaged young. For all we know, ops dh is healthy bordering chubby and she's a psycho.

PP you replied to. I had a similar figure and my mother kept telling me I was fat as a teen. I resented her for it. But it hasn't damaged my self-esteem. When my husband encourages me to lose weight, I don't experience it as the same sort of irritating nagging my mother did. I trust him. He trusts me.

I know I'm going to come across as heartless, and I apologize in advance, but reading DCUM and all the posters who complain about body image issues and low self-esteem due to fat-shaming... at some point you've got to get over yourself and learn to take constructive criticism, from yourself or others. You've only got one life. Love your body, even when you're looking at it very critically. It's never going to be perfect, and the point is to keep trying, even when you know you won't achieve perfection. Striving to have a healthier lifestyle and slimmer figure should not be painful. It's even fun if you strive together with your spouse or children.

I think it’s different if it’s something you are both working on together. This was honestly the experience I had growing up with my mom and my friends, and it was kind of fun.
With my husband, and I think the OP, the sentiment is more like: “What’s your problem that you can’t manage this?”
I get that it’s well meaning, but it’s not fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I addressed it. It hurt his feelings. But I would have addressed something like a drinking problem too. He got over it and is doing better. But I still lose some respect for him because of his poor eating/health choices.

Don’t worry, he’ll find your younger, hotter replacement at the gym soon enough.

Well he needs to get to the gym first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Injectibles! Have their physician get their BMI and do a free low does 2.5 mg sample at the appt.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has gained 30 lbs over the last 6 years a combination of stress and depression to a combination of things loss of his father, a health scare and job change loss/ job change. I haven't said anything because obviously gaining weight was not the most important thing. I understand that he's 43 and some weight gain is inevitable but in addition to the health concerns he's slipping into the territory of becoming less physically attractive to me. How do I bring this up in a way that's not hurtful to him or our relationship.

No, so get active and get him to go with you.

Use some excuse like "I want to go jogging but I don't feel safe alone and want you to come with me."

That appeals to a traditional man's sense of honor and protection for his spouse, and he will lose weight in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has gained 30 lbs over the last 6 years a combination of stress and depression to a combination of things loss of his father, a health scare and job change loss/ job change. I haven't said anything because obviously gaining weight was not the most important thing. I understand that he's 43 and some weight gain is inevitable but in addition to the health concerns he's slipping into the territory of becoming less physically attractive to me. How do I bring this up in a way that's not hurtful to him or our relationship.

Why bother? He's unlikely to lose the weight, and in fact will probably just gain more (as he ages even more). Are you really happy with him like this, or could you do better? You don't find him attractive anymore. Why waste time? Just dump him and move on to something better.

[Anonymous]

You have to address it carefully. I say this because I’m the one who gained the weight due to a combo of medication, stress and environmental factors. I feel awful about myself and am well aware of the weight so DH commenting hasn’t been educational or felt like it came from a place of concern. As a matter of fact it is frustrating because he is my biggest saboteur. I’m the only one who cooks. He won’t eat healthy. To address it, I used to make two dinners but I’m just too tired to do that all the time so mostly he gets what he wants. When I cook something healthy for all of us, he complains like a preschooler. In addition whenever we do takeout and I suggest salads or Cava, he insists on something like wings, burgers or fried chicken sandwiches. I’d love for him to start eating healthier with me instead of suggesting tempting foods. That would really go a long way. So only bring it up if you feel you can be supportive, non-judgmental and are willing to make lifestyle changes too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s only different for men and women if you either believe that men don’t have feelings and don’t deserve respect or you believe that women are too sensitive and too weak to handle any comments.

No, it’s different because it’s way easier for men to lose weight than women, who are often dealing with more complicated hormonal issues and whose bodies don’t respond as dramatically to resistance training. Also, I think it is easier for men to slip into denial because they can just rationalize that they are a “big guy” and the clothes men tend to wear are more forgiving of weight gain.

If it was really easy for men to lose weight, they wouldn’t be candidates for bariatric surgery or other weight loss interventions. But they are because it isn’t easy for men to lose weight either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s only different for men and women if you either believe that men don’t have feelings and don’t deserve respect or you believe that women are too sensitive and too weak to handle any comments.

No, it’s different because it’s way easier for men to lose weight than women, who are often dealing with more complicated hormonal issues and whose bodies don’t respond as dramatically to resistance training. Also, I think it is easier for men to slip into denial because they can just rationalize that they are a “big guy” and the clothes men tend to wear are more forgiving of weight gain.

If it was really easy for men to lose weight, they wouldn’t be candidates for bariatric surgery or other weight loss interventions. But they are because it isn’t easy for men to lose weight either.

It's easier for them compared to women their biology helps them in this.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t matter how uncomfortable the topic is, it needs to be brought up.

Depression/ weight gain only get worse. It’s not fair to anyone — my ex was exactly this. Didn’t believe in talking to therapists, etc… I pleaded with her… went and interviewed/ met with 3. It spiraled worse, and worse.

A bit like alcoholism, you think the alcoholic has it bad. The loved ones have it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course, my husband and I encourage each other to exercise and lose weight ever since we hit middle age and gradually found ourselves with more fat than we wanted. When we were younger we were both underweight.

I can't actually relate to all these people who cannot talk about weight. But then we're not American, and we don't fear this topic, or feel shame or guilt about it.

Indian?