How much financial help are you really giving your adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We gave our only DS our McLean house, worth about 3M, when he got married at the age of 27. We also set aside 1M for their kids future education, and paid off my DIL 80K in student loan (DS was college’s debt free). DW and I live in a two bedrooms condo. YMMV.

Those are life-changing gifts. So you downsized into a condo and transferred the title to your son and DIL? Any cost to him or you for this transfer? We are in a similar position with our DS.

I'm interested in this as well...for a much more modest property, lol...but I want to move in about 5 years and maybe would keep the property in the family...my other option would be to become a single property landlord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We gave our only DS our McLean house, worth about 3M, when he got married at the age of 27. We also set aside 1M for their kids future education, and paid off my DIL 80K in student loan (DS was college’s debt free). DW and I live in a two bedrooms condo. YMMV.

Those are life-changing gifts. So you downsized into a condo and transferred the title to your son and DIL? Any cost to him or you for this transfer? We are in a similar position with our DS.

I'm interested in this as well...for a much more modest property, lol...but I want to move in about 5 years and maybe would keep the property in the family...my other option would be to become a single property landlord.

Also...my parents paid for my flagship college and gave me a two-year-old car and $5K at graduation. There weren't phone plans then, lol. I inherited a bit of money from my grandparents. $10K at grad and $30k later? I still have all of it saved. I am female, my groom and I paid for most of our wedding. Parents covered my dress and the flowers. I was grown and flown at that point.

This is the remnant of a now dissipated 19th century rich family. No trusts. Still grateful and paying it forward.

My mom wanted to give me money to buy a bigger house but only for that. So we said "no thanks".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 27 year old lives at home and pays for all her own expenses but by allowing her to live with us and not pay any housing expenses she is able to travel 3 times a year, shop/eat out weekly etc.. She recently said she spent $475 in 2 weeks eating out.

My 30 year old dd we help out by buying things for our grandsons. We will buy them school clothes, Jordan sneakers, pay for cell phones etc.

My parents buy my kids stuff too, but I consider it gifts for my kids, not help for me? Can they not afford clothes for their kids?! How is that help for your kids rather than something to bond with your grandkids. You know they are separate people right. New shoes for someone in my family is not the same as new shoes for me or help with my mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My adult child just graduated college and has been living on his own for one year. I pay his cell phone, his car insurance, his health insurance, all travel that is family related, and some medical expenses. He pays everything else, but as someone else said, I am a failsafe and wouldn't let him go hungry or without a place to live....

So strange. My parents think they are a failsafe too, but I'd rather starve or kill myself than get help from my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know people (30 plus) whose parents are paying for their down payment, co signing mortgages, paying for their grandkids braces, daycare, vacations, ivf, co signing on cars etc. a lot of these people would never admit to how much parental help they are getting despite having “good” jobs.

Co-signing on a car loan? Braces? To me, that’s more unusual because that’s two middle class family units helping each other. The adult children are not getting by if they need those things, and the parents are stretching to help them. That’s not the same to me as “help” that is just wealth transfer. We have a lot of money from parents, but it is gifts and trusts. It’s not item by item. We hugely benefit from it, obviously, but it’s not like we couldn’t support ourselves well enough to qualify for a car loan or buy braces.

I am pretty darn open about family wealth but people tend to live in economically homogenous bands and they make a LOT of assumptions about their friends and neighbors. When someone makes a casual comment about how expensive daycare is, I don’t say “well not for us because I have a trust I can tap for that.” Because that would be super weird and rude. But if a close friend is there talking to me about their struggles paying with daycare and asks what we’re doing, I will certainly tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult child just graduated college and has been living on his own for one year. I pay his cell phone, his car insurance, his health insurance, all travel that is family related, and some medical expenses. He pays everything else, but as someone else said, I am a failsafe and wouldn't let him go hungry or without a place to live....

So strange. My parents think they are a failsafe too, but I'd rather starve or kill myself than get help from my parents.

That's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult child just graduated college and has been living on his own for one year. I pay his cell phone, his car insurance, his health insurance, all travel that is family related, and some medical expenses. He pays everything else, but as someone else said, I am a failsafe and wouldn't let him go hungry or without a place to live....

So strange. My parents think they are a failsafe too, but I'd rather starve or kill myself than get help from my parents.

My parents made me feel terrible every time I asked for money in college so I only asked one more time when I got married. Then we took out a note from them for our downpayment and paid them back early with higher than market rate interest. I will never do that to my DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult child just graduated college and has been living on his own for one year. I pay his cell phone, his car insurance, his health insurance, all travel that is family related, and some medical expenses. He pays everything else, but as someone else said, I am a failsafe and wouldn't let him go hungry or without a place to live....

So strange. My parents think they are a failsafe too, but I'd rather starve or kill myself than get help from my parents.

It's too bad that your family is awful, but it's not strange that families help each other.

I like what PPs said about acting as a failsafe, or protection against the worst outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know people (30 plus) whose parents are paying for their down payment, co signing mortgages, paying for their grandkids braces, daycare, vacations, ivf, co signing on cars etc. a lot of these people would never admit to how much parental help they are getting despite having “good” jobs.

Wait, all of these people don’t “admit it” how do you know this?

Much of my life is funded by the wealth of previous generations. If anyone asked I would readily admit it, but it’s not like I volunteer that information because that is weird if nobody asked.

NP- I know about people like these because of my mil: her friends tell her (they brag really!) about all the help and money they have given their kids, down to the details.

Ok but how do you know these people won't admit it?

Ime people do not like to mention their parents help them. I'm also not questioning people about it for them to "admit" it to me!

Then you are assuming the rest. How would you know if the grandparents are paying for their kids' braces, IVF, downpayments, vacations, daycare and autos? That's not public information and you said they're not sharing it. You sound like a bitter, envious person. Why are they friends with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know people (30 plus) whose parents are paying for their down payment, co signing mortgages, paying for their grandkids braces, daycare, vacations, ivf, co signing on cars etc. a lot of these people would never admit to how much parental help they are getting despite having “good” jobs.

Co-signing on a car loan? Braces? To me, that’s more unusual because that’s two middle class family units helping each other. The adult children are not getting by if they need those things, and the parents are stretching to help them. That’s not the same to me as “help” that is just wealth transfer. We have a lot of money from parents, but it is gifts and trusts. It’s not item by item. We hugely benefit from it, obviously, but it’s not like we couldn’t support ourselves well enough to qualify for a car loan or buy braces.

I am pretty darn open about family wealth but people tend to live in economically homogenous bands and they make a LOT of assumptions about their friends and neighbors. When someone makes a casual comment about how expensive daycare is, I don’t say “well not for us because I have a trust I can tap for that.” Because that would be super weird and rude. But if a close friend is there talking to me about their struggles paying with daycare and asks what we’re doing, I will certainly tell them.

It's not two middle-class families helping each other. It's boomers helping millennials. Boomers had all the advantages-- pensions, cheap housing, strong markets. My "middle-class" parents are actually super wealthy. My own "middle-class" family has two incomes and a strict budget. We're fine, but my parents were way better off (on one income!) at this stage of life than we are. The world has changed in 30 years.

[Anonymous]

The biggest help we gave our kids was free childcare. We also help child #1 with down payment/mortgage and wedding expenses. Child #2 and spouse is on our cell phone plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know people (30 plus) whose parents are paying for their down payment, co signing mortgages, paying for their grandkids braces, daycare, vacations, ivf, co signing on cars etc. a lot of these people would never admit to how much parental help they are getting despite having “good” jobs.

Co-signing on a car loan? Braces? To me, that’s more unusual because that’s two middle class family units helping each other. The adult children are not getting by if they need those things, and the parents are stretching to help them. That’s not the same to me as “help” that is just wealth transfer. We have a lot of money from parents, but it is gifts and trusts. It’s not item by item. We hugely benefit from it, obviously, but it’s not like we couldn’t support ourselves well enough to qualify for a car loan or buy braces.

I am pretty darn open about family wealth but people tend to live in economically homogenous bands and they make a LOT of assumptions about their friends and neighbors. When someone makes a casual comment about how expensive daycare is, I don’t say “well not for us because I have a trust I can tap for that.” Because that would be super weird and rude. But if a close friend is there talking to me about their struggles paying with daycare and asks what we’re doing, I will certainly tell them.

It's not two middle-class families helping each other. It's boomers helping millennials. Boomers had all the advantages-- pensions, cheap housing, strong markets. My "middle-class" parents are actually super wealthy. My own "middle-class" family has two incomes and a strict budget. We're fine, but my parents were way better off (on one income!) at this stage of life than we are. The world has changed in 30 years.

Late boomer here. Graduated into a recession. Housing market fell right after we bought and we lost our downpayment and had to pay the bank back for 5 years in a short sale. No pensions and now Medicare is under threat. Your parents were fortunate and you also will likely benefit from their wealth. This is not the case for many boomers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much financial help are you really giving your adult (out of college) children? If they didn’t have your help what would their life look like?

We have two children. One is 28 and one is 26. One is on their own in an apartment and has a well paying job. One lives at home and is looking for a job- they are a moth tutor for now.

We paid for their college and each got a used car when they were in college. Both are still using that car. We still do their Roth IRA contributions every year and both are still on ur phone plan.

When they are ready to buy a house, we will probably gift them $50k or so to help with expenses.

If they didn’t have our help, the eldest’s life would look much the same, but they would not have their current savings or be able to save as much as they do now. The younger’s life would be much harder as they have and a few life trip ups.

DH and I saved more than enough for our retirement (which happened in January) and giving some now would have a greater impact on their lives than waiting 20 more years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know people (30 plus) whose parents are paying for their down payment, co signing mortgages, paying for their grandkids braces, daycare, vacations, ivf, co signing on cars etc. a lot of these people would never admit to how much parental help they are getting despite having “good” jobs.

Co-signing on a car loan? Braces? To me, that’s more unusual because that’s two middle class family units helping each other. The adult children are not getting by if they need those things, and the parents are stretching to help them. That’s not the same to me as “help” that is just wealth transfer. We have a lot of money from parents, but it is gifts and trusts. It’s not item by item. We hugely benefit from it, obviously, but it’s not like we couldn’t support ourselves well enough to qualify for a car loan or buy braces.

I am pretty darn open about family wealth but people tend to live in economically homogenous bands and they make a LOT of assumptions about their friends and neighbors. When someone makes a casual comment about how expensive daycare is, I don’t say “well not for us because I have a trust I can tap for that.” Because that would be super weird and rude. But if a close friend is there talking to me about their struggles paying with daycare and asks what we’re doing, I will certainly tell them.

It's not two middle-class families helping each other. It's boomers helping millennials. Boomers had all the advantages-- pensions, cheap housing, strong markets. My "middle-class" parents are actually super wealthy. My own "middle-class" family has two incomes and a strict budget. We're fine, but my parents were way better off (on one income!) at this stage of life than we are. The world has changed in 30 years.

Okay but if wealthy boomers want to help their kids, they’ll just buy a car. I have had a privileged life and I’ve never had a car loan. I was taught to buy them with cash and drive them for as long as possible (assuming you just need/want a utilitarian car, which has been true for most of us). And if you can’t afford braces, you’re living really close to the bone.

[Anonymous]

My 27-year-old DS. We paid for his college education. Since he graduated from college in May 2020, we:

--Paid his rent for several months after graduation (during the first year of COVID) so he could stay in his college town with some friends and continue to work a minimum wage job without making DH and me sick.
--After he got a "real" job, we paid nothing to support him for 2 years, but did invite him to go on vacation with us a few times, which we paid for
--When he quit his job and entered a master's program, we paid his rent.
--During all this time, we continued to pay for auto insurance for the old car we passed down to him when he was in college
--When he decided to get his PhD (fully funded), we financed his move across the country and bought him a used car since we didn't think the 18-year-old car he was driving was up to that drive.
--Now he is in his PhD program, we pay for his dental care (he has medical insurance but not dental). We also pay for his airfare when he wants to come home for holidays.