10 year old never gets invited to playdates/birthday parties

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Might be just a difference of culture between you and some of the other families. For example you said your kid loves video games, and we discourage friendships with kids like that because we’d much rather our kids do other things.

Oh wow. My kids play about 16 hours of sports a week (elementary school) and are outside with friends a lot, upper elementary and have great grades. They play video games. Who cares?

NP - I think this poster is correct that for them it is a culture clash. At 10 I don’t engineer my kids’ friendships anymore - he becomes friends with whomever he likes - but I definitely don’t reach out a ton to helicopter parents. We are working on age appropriate independence here. I find it hard because when we were younger, everyone had a home phone so you learned to call, ask politely for your friend then invite them over. My kids don’t have phones, so any plans require texting amongst parents and if someone is occupied it can make last minute plans difficult.

[Anonymous]

We are immigrants and we have a strong tradition of hosting and reciprocating. We quickly learned that Americans do not reciprocate. Same old tired excuses - too busy, house too messy, don't know how to cook, don't know how to host, overwhelmed etc.

I did not hold my breath. We basically did not care if people did not reciprocate, we hosted whatever event my kids wanted and we invited everybody who wanted to join in. Between family and friends, neighbors and co-workers, hobby groups and cultural groups, school friends...my kids grew up with full calendars. As young adults, they have become the glue that holds their groups together. They know that they have to put in the time, energy and money to make these events happen. If they are introverts and would prefer not to do so, that is a-ok too.

But to expect reciprocity from others is to court disappointment. The 'paucity mentality' in Americans is all-pervasive. Plus, they easily exclude others. They have not grown up with parties that their parents threw. Heck, most of them don't even have enough friends to count on one hand and call for a dinner.

My advice is to be a functional person with a functional life and make these events happen on your own. You will have control over how it unfolds. Most of the time a clean, welcoming, well decorated house and a table laden with home cooked delicacies is all that is needed to start the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are immigrants and we have a strong tradition of hosting and reciprocating. We quickly learned that Americans do not reciprocate. Same old tired excuses - too busy, house too messy, don't know how to cook, don't know how to host, overwhelmed etc.

I did not hold my breath. We basically did not care if people did not reciprocate, we hosted whatever event my kids wanted and we invited everybody who wanted to join in. Between family and friends, neighbors and co-workers, hobby groups and cultural groups, school friends...my kids grew up with full calendars. As young adults, they have become the glue that holds their groups together. They know that they have to put in the time, energy and money to make these events happen. If they are introverts and would prefer not to do so, that is a-ok too.

But to expect reciprocity from others is to court disappointment. The 'paucity mentality' in Americans is all-pervasive. Plus, they easily exclude others. They have not grown up with parties that their parents threw. Heck, most of them don't even have enough friends to count on one hand and call for a dinner.

My advice is to be a functional person with a functional life and make these events happen on your own. You will have control over how it unfolds. Most of the time a clean, welcoming, well decorated house and a table laden with home cooked delicacies is all that is needed to start the party.

Please stop generalizing about Americans like this. I was born and raised in DC and do all the bolded things above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similarly, we've found it difficult and the obvious answer we've discovered is that the playdates happen more between kids who have parents who want to hang out with each other.

Yes, exactly this. I have a 9 year old girl and I just don't click with a lot of parents ( or moms). So it's hard to text each other, drive kids to each others' houses when parents don't really talk to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might be just a difference of culture between you and some of the other families. For example you said your kid loves video games, and we discourage friendships with kids like that because we’d much rather our kids do other things.

This could be it too. My 9 y o has had more than one friend over who whines the entire time about how boring everything is and NEEDS to either watch tv or play video games or get on the iPad. Well we don’t have video games or iPads, but we do have lots of outdoor toys, sports equipment, bikes, board games, art supplies, crafts, STEM tools, and building kits.

Other times DS has gone over to others’ houses and I know they just get on screens and parents don’t care. DS wants to go out to play basketball after one TV show but kids often don’t.

I don’t really reach out to these kids’ parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might be just a difference of culture between you and some of the other families. For example you said your kid loves video games, and we discourage friendships with kids like that because we’d much rather our kids do other things.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similarly, we've found it difficult and the obvious answer we've discovered is that the playdates happen more between kids who have parents who want to hang out with each other.

Past K, no parent should be loitering around during a playdate. I actually cancelled one on the spot when the parent expected to come over and hang out with the 4th graders and me.
I had better things to do with my time when the kids are busy with their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are immigrants and we have a strong tradition of hosting and reciprocating. We quickly learned that Americans do not reciprocate. Same old tired excuses - too busy, house too messy, don't know how to cook, don't know how to host, overwhelmed etc.

I did not hold my breath. We basically did not care if people did not reciprocate, we hosted whatever event my kids wanted and we invited everybody who wanted to join in. Between family and friends, neighbors and co-workers, hobby groups and cultural groups, school friends...my kids grew up with full calendars. As young adults, they have become the glue that holds their groups together. They know that they have to put in the time, energy and money to make these events happen. If they are introverts and would prefer not to do so, that is a-ok too.

But to expect reciprocity from others is to court disappointment. The 'paucity mentality' in Americans is all-pervasive. Plus, they easily exclude others. They have not grown up with parties that their parents threw. Heck, most of them don't even have enough friends to count on one hand and call for a dinner.

My advice is to be a functional person with a functional life and make these events happen on your own. You will have control over how it unfolds. Most of the time a clean, welcoming, well decorated house and a table laden with home cooked delicacies is all that is needed to start the party.

Please stop with the nasty stereotyping.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your son an only child? It sounds like this may be the case. You are overly concerned about manufacturing play dates.

[Anonymous]

"He seems happy enough and doesn't complain about the lack of playdates/parties. But our weekends are very lonely..." My kids are grown. This is all about you, OP. Your son is more of an introvert and that is okay! Most kids in K-12 are not worth knowing. They are boring, or bullies. Your kid already knows this. You will find this out later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are immigrants and we have a strong tradition of hosting and reciprocating. We quickly learned that Americans do not reciprocate. Same old tired excuses - too busy, house too messy, don't know how to cook, don't know how to host, overwhelmed etc.

I did not hold my breath. We basically did not care if people did not reciprocate, we hosted whatever event my kids wanted and we invited everybody who wanted to join in. Between family and friends, neighbors and co-workers, hobby groups and cultural groups, school friends...my kids grew up with full calendars. As young adults, they have become the glue that holds their groups together. They know that they have to put in the time, energy and money to make these events happen. If they are introverts and would prefer not to do so, that is a-ok too.

But to expect reciprocity from others is to court disappointment. The 'paucity mentality' in Americans is all-pervasive. Plus, they easily exclude others. They have not grown up with parties that their parents threw. Heck, most of them don't even have enough friends to count on one hand and call for a dinner.

My advice is to be a functional person with a functional life and make these events happen on your own. You will have control over how it unfolds. Most of the time a clean, welcoming, well decorated house and a table laden with home cooked delicacies is all that is needed to start the party.

Please stop with the nasty stereotyping.

Entire DCUM is about excluding, criticizing, not reciprocating, taking advantage of parents who host, and being rude. The people are nasty because their culture rewards being selfish. This is the way to get ahead. No one is stereotyping them. It is the truth and OP should accept it. Bye.

[Anonymous]

This is the age where kids are more into sports, etc. than meeting up for playdates. Everyone's busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the age where kids are more into sports, etc. than meeting up for playdates. Everyone's busy.

Is it the kids are more interested in sports or the parents?

[Anonymous]

I have a third grade boy in a similar situation. One birthday party all year and no playdates aside from ringing neighborhood kids doorbells. I was asking him about it last week. He has a group of 5 kids or so he plays with at recess and eats lunch with, but said only two of them do playdates together because they live in the same neighborhood. It sounded like playdates aren't not a big thing and he said he is happy the way things are right now. Maybe he's a loner but just typing what he told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a third grade boy in a similar situation. One birthday party all year and no playdates aside from ringing neighborhood kids doorbells. I was asking him about it last week. He has a group of 5 kids or so he plays with at recess and eats lunch with, but said only two of them do playdates together because they live in the same neighborhood. It sounded like playdates aren't not a big thing and he said he is happy the way things are right now. Maybe he's a loner but just typing what he told me.

I think this is on the parents. I always felt like it was my job to foster these friendships early on with other families.