10 year old never gets invited to playdates/birthday parties

[Anonymous]

I think he sounds fine. Don’t stress over it

[Anonymous]

My 12 yo son was like this at 10 and is still like this now. He's a homebody and a bit introverted. At 10 he would only go to bday parties of a couple of close friends, and would have playdates with only 1 friend. Now at 12, he plays sports and texts with a few friends, but rarely gets together with friends outside of school. When I ask him what other kids do on the weekends, he says they do the same thing he does: play sports, hang out at home, and do homework. I guess he gets his socialization needs met at school and with his teammates. We check in with him frequently to encourage him to invite friends over or make plans with friends, but he seems content to so so only once in a great while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 10 year old is very similar, though he does have at least a few birthday parties each year. But not a ton of planned playdates. Now that he's old enough, he's more likely to just go to the basketball court nearby with a couple of neighbor boys when they get home from school. We get along with the boys' parents, but we are generally not interacting to plan their get togethers. I much prefer not being involved. The engineered playdate thing has always felt like another thing for me to coordinate, so I usually just don't bother. I would rather my son talk to his friends directly and plan things, and just ask me. I don't get the sense other boys are doing a ton of planned playdates. If they live near other kids they play outside. The constantly having a friend over seems like something that only children or very social kids do. But not everyone is like that. I'm sure it depends on the school community. We are at a relatively large public with families from all over the world.

One thing my son has gotten really into is video games online with friends. He is on the shy side so I think this type of socializing really works for him. I don't love it but at least he is interacting and I don't have to deal with other parents.

If you are a mom, I wouldn't project your experience socializing as a girl onto your son. I think girls at this age are much more focused on always having sleepovers and a friend to hang out with.

I don't understand the not coordinating with other parents. Does your son just have blanket permission to go somewhere after school, and these boys do too? I would expect a text chain (or would have to begin one) to have kids play together after school.

They all ride the same bus home together and will make a plan to either meet at the court or knock on each other‘s doors at a specific time shortly after they get home. Parents work from home so if it’s a day they decide they’re meeting up they just ask/tell us when they walk in the door. All of the houses are close to each other and so is the court. They often have a sport or activity later in the evening, so they just walk home after a little while.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be too concerned. It sounds like he has a decent friend group at school and you have him in different activities so he is being social or at the least being exposed to social activities. All good things.

It may be that people aren't getting together as much as you think they may be, or that at his age, some kids may be dropping big parties for smaller experiences, like inviting two friends for a movie and lunch vs 20 kids at a gymnastics center.

I also think this is an age where some kids start to get cliquey or may spend more time with different sets of non-school kids. My neighbor's daughter is well-liked and has a lot of school friends but she does competitive dance and spends all her free time with those kids vs school kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep initiating playdates. Parents in the DMV are overworked, embarrassed of their houses, messy AF, and other reasons to not have time to engage in their child's social schedule. Keep trying and reach out. My kid's best friend ONLY comes to our house. Her parents work 60 hours a week, commute to DC/Baltimore and have a messy house. Her brother is also a lot of work. It's not personal.

This is so real. When we lived in the DMV, we spent so much money in a townhouse that was really too tiny to entertain active children. We moved a few hours away and now invite people over more. We have the space so that one bin of toots on the floor doesn’t make the whole house feel trashed.

[Anonymous]

Girls are way more into sleepovers than boys. Dont worry about that.

[Anonymous]

Might be just a difference of culture between you and some of the other families. For example you said your kid loves video games, and we discourage friendships with kids like that because we’d much rather our kids do other things.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is super busy. Maybe you can arrange a weekly meet up at a park once the weather gets better. I dont always love play dates bc I need to clean my house and it’s not big enough where the kids are completely doing their own thing. Plus in the middle of the week there are sports, I want to go to the gym, not to mention HW and studying. It’s just a lot when you work full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girls are way more into sleepovers than boys. Dont worry about that.

I get the sense that kids aren't doing sleepovers the way we were back in the 1980s to early 2000s. Fewer parents are OK with it these days, myself included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 10 year old is very similar, though he does have at least a few birthday parties each year. But not a ton of planned playdates. Now that he's old enough, he's more likely to just go to the basketball court nearby with a couple of neighbor boys when they get home from school. We get along with the boys' parents, but we are generally not interacting to plan their get togethers. I much prefer not being involved. The engineered playdate thing has always felt like another thing for me to coordinate, so I usually just don't bother. I would rather my son talk to his friends directly and plan things, and just ask me. I don't get the sense other boys are doing a ton of planned playdates. If they live near other kids they play outside. The constantly having a friend over seems like something that only children or very social kids do. But not everyone is like that. I'm sure it depends on the school community. We are at a relatively large public with families from all over the world.

One thing my son has gotten really into is video games online with friends. He is on the shy side so I think this type of socializing really works for him. I don't love it but at least he is interacting and I don't have to deal with other parents.

If you are a mom, I wouldn't project your experience socializing as a girl onto your son. I think girls at this age are much more focused on always having sleepovers and a friend to hang out with.

I don't understand the not coordinating with other parents. Does your son just have blanket permission to go somewhere after school, and these boys do too? I would expect a text chain (or would have to begin one) to have kids play together after school.

They all ride the same bus home together and will make a plan to either meet at the court or knock on each other‘s doors at a specific time shortly after they get home. Parents work from home so if it’s a day they decide they’re meeting up they just ask/tell us when they walk in the door. All of the houses are close to each other and so is the court. They often have a sport or activity later in the evening, so they just walk home after a little while.

So you “don’t bother with the engineered play date thing” because… your son’s friends live on the same block and you all work from home. Ie you don’t need to and thus don’t understand why most kids need their parents to actually coordinate meeting up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girls are way more into sleepovers than boys. Dont worry about that.

I get the sense that kids aren't doing sleepovers the way we were back in the 1980s to early 2000s. Fewer parents are OK with it these days, myself included.

My two girls and their respective friends are still obsessed with sleepovers. They beg for them… if the timing works, we allow them. The boys are not as into them.

[Anonymous]

I echo what many have said

1)some families do not like having kids over, for various reasons (too busy, messy house, issues with pets and company, sibling issues etc…lots of reasons)

2)many are not doing annual birthday parties at this age, even something small. If his closest friends are all this way, may just be a coincidence.

3)if they come to his parties and come over when you offer to host- at this age, it definitely isn’t an issue with your DS. They would not attend if they didn’t like him!

4)being friendly with parents does make things easier to arrange. However, kids will make their own plans beginning very shortly, so this phase is nearly over

TBH it could very well just be bad luck in DS’s case. With 4 close friends, all it takes is for friend 1 to be over scheduled in travel sports, friend 2 has many siblings and frazzled parents, kid 3 has parents who keep their house an utter disaster, and kid 4 has parents going through a divorce. Know what I mean?

I wouldn’t take this personally, TBH. As long as the kids clearly like your DS and enjoy being friends with him, this is a parent/circumstance issue (rather than anything wrong with your DS)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep initiating playdates. Parents in the DMV are overworked, embarrassed of their houses, messy AF, and other reasons to not have time to engage in their child's social schedule. Keep trying and reach out. My kid's best friend ONLY comes to our house. Her parents work 60 hours a week, commute to DC/Baltimore and have a messy house. Her brother is also a lot of work. It's not personal.

+1

I don't live in DMV but wanted to say that sleepovers are a local/regional thing.

I have a 16 year old and 18 year old boy. They have friends. We never received or extended sleepover invitations in their entire childhood.

I was invited to one sleepover in my entire childhood and that was hosted by an immigrant family so perhaps they thought it was a normal American thing to do. I slept terribly but it was the first time I tasted Fritos. That was a big win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girls are way more into sleepovers than boys. Dont worry about that.

I get the sense that kids aren't doing sleepovers the way we were back in the 1980s to early 2000s. Fewer parents are OK with it these days, myself included.

Agree. It’s not a thing the same way anymore… fewer parents are okay with it plus I think kids are busier on weekend mornings now with sports, music etc. so nobody is sleeping in at someone else’s house on Sat or Sun AM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might be just a difference of culture between you and some of the other families. For example you said your kid loves video games, and we discourage friendships with kids like that because we’d much rather our kids do other things.

Oh wow. My kids play about 16 hours of sports a week (elementary school) and are outside with friends a lot, upper elementary and have great grades. They play video games. Who cares?