10 year old never gets invited to playdates/birthday parties

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old son rarely gets invited to birthday parties (maybe one every other year) and never gets invited to playdates. He is well-behaved, no behavioral problems, neuro-typical. He is in public school.

He had school friends, lots of friends to eat lunch with, has friends to play with at recess, and had a birthday party in Feb. in which he invited 10 boys from the class (and everyone attended and had a great time). We invite one kid over for a playdate about once a month. These have never been reciprocated.

He seems happy enough and doesn't complain about the lack of playdates/parties. But our weekends are very lonely and to counteract this he has always been in a lot of extra-curricular activities, including two on weekends (team sport and art class as well as Sunday School). This has always been a problem, ever since preschool.

I feel bad for him that he has never been on a sleepover, sees his friends going to playdates/sleepovers, etc. I feel like he is missing out on important kid experiences, like I had growing up (where every weekend I was at a sleepover or playdate).

I have tried really hard to facilitate him making friends at church through Sunday School as well as in his team sport, in order to have more "friendship baskets" so his friendships aren't all just from school. He now has two friends from Sunday School and team sport, but they never invite him to do anything either.

We even did a social skills class last year but I didn't think it helped at all. His teachers have never raised any concerns about his social skills and say he is well-liked.

In general he is quiet and shy, though very well-liked by the other boys because he's great at sports and loves video games.

Should I be concerned about this or do anything differently?

[Anonymous]

I think post Covid there has been a shift in how much socializing there is between kids outside of school and actovotoes. I wouldn’t worry too much about this.

[Anonymous]

Keep initiating playdates. Parents in the DMV are overworked, embarrassed of their houses, messy AF, and other reasons to not have time to engage in their child's social schedule. Keep trying and reach out. My kid's best friend ONLY comes to our house. Her parents work 60 hours a week, commute to DC/Baltimore and have a messy house. Her brother is also a lot of work. It's not personal.

[Anonymous]

If he’s happy don’t worry about it.
I have an only as well and have found people don’t reciprocate often. I end up hosting a lot more than other people.

[Anonymous]

Are you not friends with any of the parents maybe? My 9 yo is in a similar social situation though it’s more like 5 birthday parties a year and no play dates. I am not friends with other moms and son does not get invited to play since they have no interest in socializing with me. Son has plenty of friends to play with at recess and have lunch with.

[Anonymous]

Similarly, we've found it difficult and the obvious answer we've discovered is that the playdates happen more between kids who have parents who want to hang out with each other.

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old is very similar, though he does have at least a few birthday parties each year. But not a ton of planned playdates. Now that he's old enough, he's more likely to just go to the basketball court nearby with a couple of neighbor boys when they get home from school. We get along with the boys' parents, but we are generally not interacting to plan their get togethers. I much prefer not being involved. The engineered playdate thing has always felt like another thing for me to coordinate, so I usually just don't bother. I would rather my son talk to his friends directly and plan things, and just ask me. I don't get the sense other boys are doing a ton of planned playdates. If they live near other kids they play outside. The constantly having a friend over seems like something that only children or very social kids do. But not everyone is like that. I'm sure it depends on the school community. We are at a relatively large public with families from all over the world.

One thing my son has gotten really into is video games online with friends. He is on the shy side so I think this type of socializing really works for him. I don't love it but at least he is interacting and I don't have to deal with other parents.

If you are a mom, I wouldn't project your experience socializing as a girl onto your son. I think girls at this age are much more focused on always having sleepovers and a friend to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My son had 4 best friends at the beginning of the year. One best friend (from the last few years) moved out of state this fall. One best friend from the last few years is changing schools at the end of the school year to private school. So then he will be left with two best friends.

Of these two, I am acquaintances with one of the moms and good friends with the other mom. The mom I am good friends with only wants to get together as whole families, she does not invite my son over. We have invited her son over at least 8 times this year (they just started at our school this year). Acquaintance mom doesn't reciprocate invitations.

Besides those 4 best friends, my son has other school friends who he talks about and says he eats lunch with/plays with at recess. We've had some of those kids over for playdates but zero reciprocation.

My son wants to do online video games with his friends from school too often, and he would spend 3-4 hours per night on video games if we let him, but we limit it to two hours per day, because that is the only after-school socializing he has (he goes to soccer, swim class, music class, etc. after school but will not socialize with the random kids there).

[Anonymous]

Keep inviting kids over. If they accept the invitation it's not a friendship issue getting in the way of reciprocation. Some people just don't host kids at their house for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 10 year old is very similar, though he does have at least a few birthday parties each year. But not a ton of planned playdates. Now that he's old enough, he's more likely to just go to the basketball court nearby with a couple of neighbor boys when they get home from school. We get along with the boys' parents, but we are generally not interacting to plan their get togethers. I much prefer not being involved. The engineered playdate thing has always felt like another thing for me to coordinate, so I usually just don't bother. I would rather my son talk to his friends directly and plan things, and just ask me. I don't get the sense other boys are doing a ton of planned playdates. If they live near other kids they play outside. The constantly having a friend over seems like something that only children or very social kids do. But not everyone is like that. I'm sure it depends on the school community. We are at a relatively large public with families from all over the world.

One thing my son has gotten really into is video games online with friends. He is on the shy side so I think this type of socializing really works for him. I don't love it but at least he is interacting and I don't have to deal with other parents.

If you are a mom, I wouldn't project your experience socializing as a girl onto your son. I think girls at this age are much more focused on always having sleepovers and a friend to hang out with.

I don't understand the not coordinating with other parents. Does your son just have blanket permission to go somewhere after school, and these boys do too? I would expect a text chain (or would have to begin one) to have kids play together after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 10 year old is very similar, though he does have at least a few birthday parties each year. But not a ton of planned playdates. Now that he's old enough, he's more likely to just go to the basketball court nearby with a couple of neighbor boys when they get home from school. We get along with the boys' parents, but we are generally not interacting to plan their get togethers. I much prefer not being involved. The engineered playdate thing has always felt like another thing for me to coordinate, so I usually just don't bother. I would rather my son talk to his friends directly and plan things, and just ask me. I don't get the sense other boys are doing a ton of planned playdates. If they live near other kids they play outside. The constantly having a friend over seems like something that only children or very social kids do. But not everyone is like that. I'm sure it depends on the school community. We are at a relatively large public with families from all over the world.

One thing my son has gotten really into is video games online with friends. He is on the shy side so I think this type of socializing really works for him. I don't love it but at least he is interacting and I don't have to deal with other parents.

If you are a mom, I wouldn't project your experience socializing as a girl onto your son. I think girls at this age are much more focused on always having sleepovers and a friend to hang out with.

I don't understand the not coordinating with other parents. Does your son just have blanket permission to go somewhere after school, and these boys do too? I would expect a text chain (or would have to begin one) to have kids play together after school.

That's assuming 10 year olds don't have phones or other ways to communicate with friends and parents.

[Anonymous]

I think people are just busy. By age 10, birthday parties are small - it’s not like preschool where parties are the main social scene.

If my kid has a scheduled playdate every couple months, that’s good.

I would look at indicators like is your kid saying they have friends at recess, on the bus, etc.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the friend group just doesn't do playdates. I also have a 10 year old DS, I hosted a ton last year and I got to know the families pretty well. No one is doing playdates and excluding us. They are all busy...weekends are all sports/family events, a few families are in a country club so that's their social outlet. 3 of his 5 closest friends don't do birthday parties. So he's been invited to 2 birthdays this year, the lists are super small. I'm actually thinking we also won't do a friend birthday party this year as well.

If you want the sleepover, you can host it.

[Anonymous]

Every weekend playdates is too much. Birthday parties are usually small at that age and limited to the number of kids who can fit in one car. Invite a friend or 2 to do an activity or over to play. If he does okay at school and other activities, I wouldn't worry about this.

[Anonymous]

Does your kid talk about 1-2 good friends? Can you host play dates with those? By age 10, birthday parties and playdates become secondary to the endless hamster wheel of kiddie sports and other activities, but if your kid has actual friends at school and isn't bothered, I wouldn't be.