What do you think is the best age to become parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had mine at 30 and 35. I wish I had pushed it back a few years and had just one. I think one kid around 35-38 is perfect.

PP. Want to add - this is because I know a few women who focused on their careers, make a ton of money, and then had a single child around 38-42. They’re the happiest moms I know - financially secure, zero stress, able to focus on their child 100%, etc.

The young parents I know are usually pretty miserable. Money is very tight, they end up having more kids than they can reasonable care for, very stressed out overall. Worst cases I’ve seen are when they start very young and around 24 hereditary mental illness develops in one of the parents. Absolute nightmare. I know one couple who were picture perfect, the husband had a good job, very loving traditional family with 2 kids, beautiful home, and at 24 he developed bipolar disorder. Within a year he had sexually harassed coworkers, gotten fired without telling his wife, ran up $30k in credit card debt, began beating his wife and kids.

So I’m very against getting married or having children before 25 or so, just so you can make sure nobody has any genetic mental illness that can’t really be treated.

The “focus on the child 100%” isn’t always great - that’s how you get New York lonely boys. I married one and…..wow, his mom is a lot. It’s not always going to be true, but at least my mom has to spread her crazy (and her needs) over four people so she SEEMS only 1/4 as crazy and needy.

My friend is married to an only and the amount of guilt and too much smothering from the mom is too much. The mom gets jealous and doesn’t have much going on and her focus is on her one son and grandchildren. It drives my friend nuts. She has 3 siblings and her parents’ attention is spread out over multiple kids and lots of grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

When you meet the right person. I had my kids in my late 30s. Im so incredibly happy it is with my husband who is amazing and not my ex. That would have been a disaster. I love my husband so much and so I’m so grateful I didn’t have kids before meeting him. I never would have met him before my mid-30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to the responses on this thread, it should have been sometime while I was having wildly meaningless (but fun!) one night stands while recovering from an emotionally devastating breakup of a long term relationship. Instead, I waited, met my husband at 32 and had our first at 38.

Wow, such a slag.

[Anonymous]

I'm 43, had my first at 33, 2nd the day after I turned 36 and my third at 39. If I could have done it over, I would have started in my late 20s and finished in my early 30s. Obviously life doesn't always work according to plan but I never received any sort of guidance or counseling from my parents in the best way to choose a partner.

I get that it's a fine line between being overbearing and totally hands off but if my daughter cares to hear my opinion one day I'd suggest looking for a partner in her early to mid 20s. A lot of my generation bought into the Sex And The City phenomenon of "be wild and free throughout your 20s and 30s! Find yourself!" Which sure, yes, figure out who you are, establish a career, but that doesn't mean squandering a good chunk of your adulthood by flitting around and behaving as an adolescent. I sort of did, until I met DH at 29.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had mine at 30 and 35. I wish I had pushed it back a few years and had just one. I think one kid around 35-38 is perfect.

PP. Want to add - this is because I know a few women who focused on their careers, make a ton of money, and then had a single child around 38-42. They’re the happiest moms I know - financially secure, zero stress, able to focus on their child 100%, etc.

The young parents I know are usually pretty miserable. Money is very tight, they end up having more kids than they can reasonable care for, very stressed out overall. Worst cases I’ve seen are when they start very young and around 24 hereditary mental illness develops in one of the parents. Absolute nightmare. I know one couple who were picture perfect, the husband had a good job, very loving traditional family with 2 kids, beautiful home, and at 24 he developed bipolar disorder. Within a year he had sexually harassed coworkers, gotten fired without telling his wife, ran up $30k in credit card debt, began beating his wife and kids.

So I’m very against getting married or having children before 25 or so, just so you can make sure nobody has any genetic mental illness that can’t really be treated.

I know adults who are the onlies and they have a lot of pressure to care for elderly parents. Also lots of guilt over holidays.

I personally think having siblings is better for the child for multiple reasons.

Having an only older in age is probably best from a work life balance perspective for a working mom.

I know adult with 2-3 siblings, and more often than not care for elderly parents gets dumped on one of the kids, usually the one who lives the closest and/or has the oldest kids ("we have young kids and can't help" or "we live too far away and can't take off work" are common excuses).

Parents should have planned for their own care. With only one kid, they should be putting away more money for their care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met DH when I was 24, got engaged at 27, married at 29 and had 3 kids in my thirties. Now that I’m older, I wish I had kids earlier. I had my third child at almost 40. I will be in my seventies when I am a grandmother.

I have some acquaintances who are in their mid to late fifties and their kids are getting married young. They will be grandmothers by age 60.

I am on a similar timeline - met at 24, engaged at 26, married at 27. Had my kids at 29,32,35.

I agree it’s better to start having kids earlier but realistically I don’t think I could have started much earlier. It took me a year to get pregnant with my first and I needed IVF for my subsequent children.

I think 26/27 is ideal to start having kids if you meet the right person young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had mine at 30 and 35. I wish I had pushed it back a few years and had just one. I think one kid around 35-38 is perfect.

PP. Want to add - this is because I know a few women who focused on their careers, make a ton of money, and then had a single child around 38-42. They’re the happiest moms I know - financially secure, zero stress, able to focus on their child 100%, etc.

The young parents I know are usually pretty miserable. Money is very tight, they end up having more kids than they can reasonable care for, very stressed out overall. Worst cases I’ve seen are when they start very young and around 24 hereditary mental illness develops in one of the parents. Absolute nightmare. I know one couple who were picture perfect, the husband had a good job, very loving traditional family with 2 kids, beautiful home, and at 24 he developed bipolar disorder. Within a year he had sexually harassed coworkers, gotten fired without telling his wife, ran up $30k in credit card debt, began beating his wife and kids.

So I’m very against getting married or having children before 25 or so, just so you can make sure nobody has any genetic mental illness that can’t really be treated.

The “focus on the child 100%” isn’t always great - that’s how you get New York lonely boys. I married one and…..wow, his mom is a lot. It’s not always going to be true, but at least my mom has to spread her crazy (and her needs) over four people so she SEEMS only 1/4 as crazy and needy.

My friend is married to an only and the amount of guilt and too much smothering from the mom is too much. The mom gets jealous and doesn’t have much going on and her focus is on her one son and grandchildren. It drives my friend nuts. She has 3 siblings and her parents’ attention is spread out over multiple kids and lots of grandchildren.

On the other hand, you have tons of parents who complain they don't get enough help from grandparents because grandparents are busy helping out with the other grandkids. H's parents have 18 grandkids, and have spent a total of maybe 8 hours with our DC, who is 3yo.

More important to find someone who has a healthy relationship with their parents - not too enmeshed, not too distant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met DH when I was 24, got engaged at 27, married at 29 and had 3 kids in my thirties. Now that I’m older, I wish I had kids earlier. I had my third child at almost 40. I will be in my seventies when I am a grandmother.

I have some acquaintances who are in their mid to late fifties and their kids are getting married young. They will be grandmothers by age 60.

I am on a similar timeline - met at 24, engaged at 26, married at 27. Had my kids at 29,32,35.

I agree it’s better to start having kids earlier but realistically I don’t think I could have started much earlier. It took me a year to get pregnant with my first and I needed IVF for my subsequent children.

I think 26/27 is ideal to start having kids if you meet the right person young

I should add a disclaimer - I think it’s better to start young if you want more than 2 kids. I thought having kids at 29 and 32 was a great age. I feel tired and older now with my third at 35 going on 36 - but maybe I would have felt this as a third time parent at any age. In my mind it’s ideal to be done around 33/34.

[Anonymous]

All things being equal, I think the younger the better (well, let's say 25/26). We had our first when DH was in residency, we were in our late 20s. We didn't have a lot of money, but we didn't need the fancy stroller or new furniture and we used a little in home daycare. By the second (at 30/during dh fellowship), we upgraded to new Ikea furniture and a 2 BR and a 8-3 church daycare mixed with cobbled together family help and flexible work; I upgraded the 12 yo Corolla to a used but newer Rogue. We had our 3rd when I was 36, and it was much different. It took a bigger toll on my body, son had a few developmental issues that are associated with older parental age, my mom has slowed down a bit (my son is now 6 and she is in her early 70s). We had the big house and $$ Montessori day care and healthy income - but you really don't need all of that with babies.

I guess if you are the type who loves the baby stage the best, you will want to situate yourself in your career such that you can have a long maternity leave. But for me, that was more a stage to "get through," and I'd much rather be in a place where I can have that flexibility with older kids, know that they will be in college when I'm not yet 50 (forgetting momentarily about the youngest lol) and we will have money and time and energy to travel then and ultimately have money and time and energy to help them with their kids.

[Anonymous]

I had my kids at 30 and 33. If we wanted 3 kids, I think we would have started sooner than later. I have/had older parents and my preference was to be done by 35.

[Anonymous]

I had my kids at 30 and 33 as well. All in all I think it was good, we were financially in a decent place, we were busy but we still had energy. The kids will be done with college by the time I'm about 55 and then I can think about retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had mine at 30 and 35. I wish I had pushed it back a few years and had just one. I think one kid around 35-38 is perfect.

PP. Want to add - this is because I know a few women who focused on their careers, make a ton of money, and then had a single child around 38-42. They’re the happiest moms I know - financially secure, zero stress, able to focus on their child 100%, etc.

Did those women retire at 38-42?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met DH when I was 24, got engaged at 27, married at 29 and had 3 kids in my thirties. Now that I’m older, I wish I had kids earlier. I had my third child at almost 40. I will be in my seventies when I am a grandmother.

I have some acquaintances who are in their mid to late fifties and their kids are getting married young. They will be grandmothers by age 60.

I am on a similar timeline - met at 24, engaged at 26, married at 27. Had my kids at 29,32,35.

I agree it’s better to start having kids earlier but realistically I don’t think I could have started much earlier. It took me a year to get pregnant with my first and I needed IVF for my subsequent children.

I think 26/27 is ideal to start having kids if you meet the right person young

I should add a disclaimer - I think it’s better to start young if you want more than 2 kids. I thought having kids at 29 and 32 was a great age. I feel tired and older now with my third at 35 going on 36 - but maybe I would have felt this as a third time parent at any age. In my mind it’s ideal to be done around 33/34.

Exact same scenario. Grateful to be done at this age and have my ideal family size. Cannot imagine starting now. My health is worth way more than affording the latest stroller.

[Anonymous]

30 exactly.

[Anonymous]

I'm 34 and just started trying 5 months ago. Reading these replies, I do kind of wish we'd started trying a few years earlier. We've been married for six years but wanted to wait until we could afford a house, etc. Please tell me we didn't wait too long!