How families have changed in the last 50 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were talking the other night about how both of our families have dysfunction going back at least several generations, but how differently it impacts people today compared to 50 years ago, and how differently people feel and think about it.

The dysfunction in question is lots of alcohol abuse in both families, mental health issues that largely went undiagnosed, plus trauma -- lot of abuse against kids when they were young (not just spanking but like kids being beaten up by parents and siblings), plus societal traumas like the Great Depression, WWII, and the act of immigrating with no money and to a country where they faced a lot of discrimination.

But there are these stark differences between how our parents' and grandparents' generations handled those issues, and how our generation is handling it.

I just wonder what changed. A lot of the same issues are present by where my parents and grandparents managed to work through them to maintain family ties, my generation just isn't. I now wonder if I will ever see my siblings after my parents pass -- if things continue as they are, I will only see them if I do all the work to make it happen. It's sad.

You’re only describing a very small piece of the population. 50 years ago people were treated for mental health issues. There were probably more people who were ignorant about it and didn’t seek help but it was there, as bad as it is today. Most kids weren’t beaten. There are always immigrants coming in but most Americans have had generations of being American 50 years ago.

Fifty years ago young people had Vietnam to deal with along with the veterans being poorly treated. Our best leaders had been assassinated. The South was a hellhole that would burn their neighborhood down before they let Black people live there. Times weren’t great for a lot of people. I don’t think people today appreciate that although this country has many issues including why they would vote for someone like half of Americans did, there have been many worse times in our history.

Another person ignorant about U.S. history. The comments you made about the South were absolutely true in the North, the Midwest, and the West - everywhere. Many of the prefab communities in the North had rules against allowing anyone other than Whites from living in them. There are many known issues in all of the areas of this country with racism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biggest difference--people are smarter and refuse to take the abuse.

Just like there were less divorces back in the day. Didn't mean that women didn't want them

+1
This is it exactly. Everyone thought they were "the only one" going through the s***.
Now people understand it and deal with it.

I agree. It’s honestly heartbreaking to me to see how guilt and other negative emotions have convinced boomers and some gen x to maintain relationships with toxic relatives. Millennials don’t play that game.

You’re not old enough yet to realize you might be the toxic one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were talking the other night about how both of our families have dysfunction going back at least several generations, but how differently it impacts people today compared to 50 years ago, and how differently people feel and think about it.

The dysfunction in question is lots of alcohol abuse in both families, mental health issues that largely went undiagnosed, plus trauma -- lot of abuse against kids when they were young (not just spanking but like kids being beaten up by parents and siblings), plus societal traumas like the Great Depression, WWII, and the act of immigrating with no money and to a country where they faced a lot of discrimination.

But there are these stark differences between how our parents' and grandparents' generations handled those issues, and how our generation is handling it.

I just wonder what changed. A lot of the same issues are present by where my parents and grandparents managed to work through them to maintain family ties, my generation just isn't. I now wonder if I will ever see my siblings after my parents pass -- if things continue as they are, I will only see them if I do all the work to make it happen. It's sad.

You’re only describing a very small piece of the population. 50 years ago people were treated for mental health issues. There were probably more people who were ignorant about it and didn’t seek help but it was there, as bad as it is today. Most kids weren’t beaten. There are always immigrants coming in but most Americans have had generations of being American 50 years ago.

Fifty years ago young people had Vietnam to deal with along with the veterans being poorly treated. Our best leaders had been assassinated. The South was a hellhole that would burn their neighborhood down before they let Black people live there. Times weren’t great for a lot of people. I don’t think people today appreciate that although this country has many issues including why they would vote for someone like half of Americans did, there have been many worse times in our history.

Another person ignorant about U.S. history. The comments you made about the South were absolutely true in the North, the Midwest, and the West - everywhere. Many of the prefab communities in the North had rules against allowing anyone other than Whites from living in them. There are many known issues in all of the areas of this country with racism.

The banking industry took over the racist practice of segregation for the violent racists. Through redlining, people were able to keep their neighborhoods lily white and there was no longer a need to burn down anything, although I'm sure it still happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It used to be more rare to move far away from family- that is a big piece.

Also, I think women used to spend more time maintaining family ties (even with ILs) than they do now. My dad had 4 brothers- my mom and the other wives planned everything, kept in close touch, and the men mostly just showed up. Most women do a lot less of this now (I know I do)- & expect the DH to take the lead with his family (and many men don’t do a great job at keeping in touch).

Agree. I've seen this play out for at least 2 generations. I have to tell my kids that if they want to keep their relationship strong, their chosen partner has to naturally get along well with the IL sibling. Otherwise, their kids will probably not be friends.

[Anonymous]

The Atlantic has some articles on this topic.

[Anonymous]

I think the change also has to do with having less kids nowadays. My grandparents had 8. My parents had 2. I have 1. That means large age gap between myself and a sibling (7 years), not really much in common, always at different times in our lives (by the time I had a kid, his were in high school). I used to hang out with my cousins... and my kid doesn't have any cousins to hang out with as they're 15-20 years older on both sides. So the family ties are much weaker to begin with and if the people are toxic, it's much easier to break the relations off.

[Anonymous]

What changed? People are now viewing family relationships as investments rather than insurance. It used to be that you put in some efforts because you never know what might happen, but family, however dysfunctional, was supposed to be there to help you, blood thicker than water and so on. And if it seemed like you are putting in more than you are get your, you considered yourself lucky that it’s not you who needs support. Now, the family backup is not as crucial or feasible for many reasons, and if you don’t think you are getting a fair deal, you might as well opt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What changed? People are now viewing family relationships as investments rather than insurance. It used to be that you put in some efforts because you never know what might happen, but family, however dysfunctional, was supposed to be there to help you, blood thicker than water and so on. And if it seemed like you are putting in more than you are get your, you considered yourself lucky that it’s not you who needs support. Now, the family backup is not as crucial or feasible for many reasons, and if you don’t think you are getting a fair deal, you might as well opt out.

*you are getting out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were talking the other night about how both of our families have dysfunction going back at least several generations, but how differently it impacts people today compared to 50 years ago, and how differently people feel and think about it.

The dysfunction in question is lots of alcohol abuse in both families, mental health issues that largely went undiagnosed, plus trauma -- lot of abuse against kids when they were young (not just spanking but like kids being beaten up by parents and siblings), plus societal traumas like the Great Depression, WWII, and the act of immigrating with no money and to a country where they faced a lot of discrimination.

But there are these stark differences between how our parents' and grandparents' generations handled those issues, and how our generation is handling it.

I just wonder what changed. A lot of the same issues are present by where my parents and grandparents managed to work through them to maintain family ties, my generation just isn't. I now wonder if I will ever see my siblings after my parents pass -- if things continue as they are, I will only see them if I do all the work to make it happen. It's sad.

You’re only describing a very small piece of the population. 50 years ago people were treated for mental health issues. There were probably more people who were ignorant about it and didn’t seek help but it was there, as bad as it is today. Most kids weren’t beaten. There are always immigrants coming in but most Americans have had generations of being American 50 years ago.

Fifty years ago young people had Vietnam to deal with along with the veterans being poorly treated. Our best leaders had been assassinated. The South was a hellhole that would burn their neighborhood down before they let Black people live there. Times weren’t great for a lot of people. I don’t think people today appreciate that although this country has many issues including why they would vote for someone like half of Americans did, there have been many worse times in our history.

Another person ignorant about U.S. history. The comments you made about the South were absolutely true in the North, the Midwest, and the West - everywhere. Many of the prefab communities in the North had rules against allowing anyone other than Whites from living in them. There are many known issues in all of the areas of this country with racism.

Yup, I agree with you- the PP you were replying to is really naive about the history of segregation and racism in the U.S. My family is from northern Ohio and 50-60 years ago black people were getting beat up for trying to go to public swimming pools and tossed over chain link fences at public parks if they dared to cross invisible but known lines of “whites only” spaces. In my west coast neighborhood, when I was a kid in the late 70s/early 80s, angry white parents rotated sitting in the classroom of the school’s first Asian teacher every single day for months “observing” her until they realized that she was more competent than anyone else in the building and finally left her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It used to be more rare to move far away from family- that is a big piece.

Also, I think women used to spend more time maintaining family ties (even with ILs) than they do now. My dad had 4 brothers- my mom and the other wives planned everything, kept in close touch, and the men mostly just showed up. Most women do a lot less of this now (I know I do)- & expect the DH to take the lead with his family (and many men don’t do a great job at keeping in touch).

This! 95% percent of family events I go to are planned and executed by the women in my family. I communicate with my SIL (who is not a SAHM) more than my own brother because of it.

And it's a big difference when we go to holiday dinners on my side. Since becoming an adult with a family, I almost always bring something. When we go to things on my DH's side there is no expectation that he or his brother bring anything (even though both are adults bringing multiple kids) and his sister always does and/or is hosting the get together.

The expectations for men are still SO low in terms of things related to supporting and managing family in any non-financial way.

[Anonymous]

Someone told me when I was 19 that the worst people who are going to hurt you, is every member of your family . He was so right. I think nowadays, people are searching for meaning in their lives, and when they realize their family doesn’t treat them well, they move on.

Seriously, families are so complicated. Who are you in yours—the people pleaser, the peacekeeper, the scapegoat, or the golden child? Who’s the narcissist? Does your MIL respect your boundaries? Is there preferences? Is there passive-aggressiveness, hypocrisy, or even competition? What else?

People can be so immature. Most of them aren’t able to talk honestly about what bothers them. They bottle it up, stack all these emotions, and then pretend everything is fine. Personally, I’ve never been able to pretend. If I’m mad at someone, you’ll see it on my face right away—no hiding it!

At the end of the day, people are free. We’re all looking for meaning and a better life for ourselves and our children. I am sure something better is waiting for the one who takes the decision to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biggest difference--people are smarter and refuse to take the abuse.

Just like there were less divorces back in the day. Didn't mean that women didn't want them

+1
This is it exactly. Everyone thought they were "the only one" going through the s***.
Now people understand it and deal with it.

I agree. It’s honestly heartbreaking to me to see how guilt and other negative emotions have convinced boomers and some gen x to maintain relationships with toxic relatives. Millennials don’t play that game.

You’re not old enough yet to realize you might be the toxic one.

I'm sure I'm significantly older than you and you are full of it. We are more aware of abuse and dysfunction and if family members don't stop it, there is no healthy reason to tolerate their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s not uniformly true.

My grandfather didn’t stay in contact with his family much due to racism. He got a job and faced discrimination. He was worried that he would lose his job if he stayed in contact with them. His bosses threatened him to stop contacting them so he did.

This was more than 50 years ago.

I think codependency is a strong pull with isolated family groups. It’s difficult to make new connections when you build ties with people just because of shared history.

It was more common back then for people to clip their kid's wings to keep them nearby. They needed some of the kids to stay around to do the physical labor of the farm or to run the business. These days it's only the insecure or attention driven parents who do this to their kids. We know they need to fly and plenty of kids post WW2 knew back then and left their hometowns for work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were talking the other night about how both of our families have dysfunction going back at least several generations, but how differently it impacts people today compared to 50 years ago, and how differently people feel and think about it.

The dysfunction in question is lots of alcohol abuse in both families, mental health issues that largely went undiagnosed, plus trauma -- lot of abuse against kids when they were young (not just spanking but like kids being beaten up by parents and siblings), plus societal traumas like the Great Depression, WWII, and the act of immigrating with no money and to a country where they faced a lot of discrimination.

But there are these stark differences between how our parents' and grandparents' generations handled those issues, and how our generation is handling it.

I just wonder what changed. A lot of the same issues are present by where my parents and grandparents managed to work through them to maintain family ties, my generation just isn't. I now wonder if I will ever see my siblings after my parents pass -- if things continue as they are, I will only see them if I do all the work to make it happen. It's sad.

You’re only describing a very small piece of the population. 50 years ago people were treated for mental health issues. There were probably more people who were ignorant about it and didn’t seek help but it was there, as bad as it is today. Most kids weren’t beaten. There are always immigrants coming in but most Americans have had generations of being American 50 years ago.

Fifty years ago young people had Vietnam to deal with along with the veterans being poorly treated. Our best leaders had been assassinated. The South was a hellhole that would burn their neighborhood down before they let Black people live there. Times weren’t great for a lot of people. I don’t think people today appreciate that although this country has many issues including why they would vote for someone like half of Americans did, there have been many worse times in our history.

Another person ignorant about U.S. history. The comments you made about the South were absolutely true in the North, the Midwest, and the West - everywhere. Many of the prefab communities in the North had rules against allowing anyone other than Whites from living in them. There are many known issues in all of the areas of this country with racism.

Yup, I agree with you- the PP you were replying to is really naive about the history of segregation and racism in the U.S. My family is from northern Ohio and 50-60 years ago black people were getting beat up for trying to go to public swimming pools and tossed over chain link fences at public parks if they dared to cross invisible but known lines of “whites only” spaces. In my west coast neighborhood, when I was a kid in the late 70s/early 80s, angry white parents rotated sitting in the classroom of the school’s first Asian teacher every single day for months “observing” her until they realized that she was more competent than anyone else in the building and finally left her alone.

The stories I could tell you about renting apartments in Annandale and Alexandria in the late 80's would stun people.The one black homeowner I knew in a sfh in Burke Centre in the early 90's was harassed out of her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It used to be more rare to move far away from family- that is a big piece.

Also, I think women used to spend more time maintaining family ties (even with ILs) than they do now. My dad had 4 brothers- my mom and the other wives planned everything, kept in close touch, and the men mostly just showed up. Most women do a lot less of this now (I know I do)- & expect the DH to take the lead with his family (and many men don’t do a great job at keeping in touch).

Yep! Two career families. Working moms build the network they need and that may or may not be with biological family.

The rwnj project 2025 weirdos on this site are constantly bringing up posts to try to frame any independence and financial gains women have made through work outside the home as harmful to the family. The stink of that sexism flows through so many of these posts.