How families have changed in the last 50 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

The people who may have had trouble conceiving and/or have lost pregnancies in the past? WTH can't the MIL respect wishes? It's not her womb. Boundaries only seem out of control to those who have no respect for them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

But it's weird. Why can't she keep an agreement? Reminds me of Everybody loves Raymond where the mom just said anything and then did what she wanted and drama ensued. She was a horrible mother in law. The other people on the show were gross too, but why encourage that behavior? I'm sure the MIL didn't apologize either. These types of people think they are entitled. This announcement I'm sure was a pattern of entitled behavior.

[Anonymous]

People who do this stuff just show that they value themselves over the relationship. If she had a question why she should have asked and then said she disagreed and to not talk to her till she could speak to others.

[Anonymous]

Just admit you don't keep secrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

I was in the middle of interviewing for jobs when I told my parents I was expecting. I asked them not to post on FB, as I was FB friends with many people from law school who worked at the firms where I was interviewing and I was really concerned about discrimination. My mom was horribly offended that she wasn't allowed to post.

Then we had another big fight when I told her she couldn't post my dilation status on FB when I was in labor. That's not information I want on FB. She said it's a free country and she can post what she wants. So now I don't tell her anything that I wouldn't want posted. It's really limited our relationship, but that was her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

Realistically, I’m sure there were many other things this MIL did that built up over time, and this was just the breaking point. People don’t stop talking to someone over one thing alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

The people who may have had trouble conceiving and/or have lost pregnancies in the past? WTH can't the MIL respect wishes? It's not her womb. Boundaries only seem out of control to those who have no respect for them

It’s not her womb? That makes no sense. There was no mention of miscarriages. It was just a control thing and zero tolerance. Yeah, get mad, say something, but too many people call these little things breaking boundaries and even trauma. Grow up. I’m sure the couple has done their share of crossing boundaries. No one is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

Realistically, I’m sure there were many other things this MIL did that built up over time, and this was just the breaking point. People don’t stop talking to someone over one thing alone.

If they are all as petty as that they are not something you end a relationship with your own mother over. Abuse, allowing abuse, danger are things you cut ties about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

The people who may have had trouble conceiving and/or have lost pregnancies in the past? WTH can't the MIL respect wishes? It's not her womb. Boundaries only seem out of control to those who have no respect for them

It’s not her womb? That makes no sense. There was no mention of miscarriages. It was just a control thing and zero tolerance. Yeah, get mad, say something, but too many people call these little things breaking boundaries and even trauma. Grow up. I’m sure the couple has done their share of crossing boundaries. No one is perfect.

That tells me everything I need to know about the "MIL" (or the person who posted this). MIL had her chance to share her news about her own pregnancy. And yes, her adult child's womb is not hers. If that doesn't make sense read it again, many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

I was in the middle of interviewing for jobs when I told my parents I was expecting. I asked them not to post on FB, as I was FB friends with many people from law school who worked at the firms where I was interviewing and I was really concerned about discrimination. My mom was horribly offended that she wasn't allowed to post.

Then we had another big fight when I told her she couldn't post my dilation status on FB when I was in labor. That's not information I want on FB. She said it's a free country and she can post what she wants. So now I don't tell her anything that I wouldn't want posted. It's really limited our relationship, but that was her choice.

Why would your mother even know your dilation status? Sounds like you both over share.

I don’t see how a relationship is limited by you not sharing information you don’t want on Facebook. If your mother is addicted to Facebook I would think it would improve your relationship to not share certain information with her. That’s a smart way to avoid conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

While that certainly would not warrant estrangement in and of itself- the type of MIL who would do that (after specifically being asked not to) is likely to disregard other requests & privacy concerns as well. That issue was probably one of many, and may have been the last straw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

I was in the middle of interviewing for jobs when I told my parents I was expecting. I asked them not to post on FB, as I was FB friends with many people from law school who worked at the firms where I was interviewing and I was really concerned about discrimination. My mom was horribly offended that she wasn't allowed to post.

Then we had another big fight when I told her she couldn't post my dilation status on FB when I was in labor. That's not information I want on FB. She said it's a free country and she can post what she wants. So now I don't tell her anything that I wouldn't want posted. It's really limited our relationship, but that was her choice.

Why would your mother even know your dilation status? Sounds like you both over share.

I don’t see how a relationship is limited by you not sharing information you don’t want on Facebook. If your mother is addicted to Facebook I would think it would improve your relationship to not share certain information with her. That’s a smart way to avoid conflict.

She specifically asked her mother NOT to post that information.

I have all sorts of conversations with my loved ones that I would not want shared on Facebook. Some things are private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biggest difference--people are smarter and refuse to take the abuse.

Just like there were less divorces back in the day. Didn't mean that women didn't want them

+1

And cutting people off is nothing new. My grandmother cut off her abusive family when she was a young adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

The people who may have had trouble conceiving and/or have lost pregnancies in the past? WTH can't the MIL respect wishes? It's not her womb. Boundaries only seem out of control to those who have no respect for them

It’s not her womb? That makes no sense. There was no mention of miscarriages. It was just a control thing and zero tolerance. Yeah, get mad, say something, but too many people call these little things breaking boundaries and even trauma. Grow up. I’m sure the couple has done their share of crossing boundaries. No one is perfect.

That tells me everything I need to know about the "MIL" (or the person who posted this). MIL had her chance to share her news about her own pregnancy. And yes, her adult child's womb is not hers. If that doesn't make sense read it again, many times.

"no mention of miscarriages" usually means that the person is not trusted enough by the person with the miscarriage to have this info OR that person knows but doesn't care.