How families have changed in the last 50 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the past, I think a “distanced” relationship with difficult relatives was more readily accepted and easier to pull off. Attend a couple of major family gatherings/yr and “do your duty”(or visit once/yr if you live far away), send Christmas and birthday cards and call on special occasions etc. Easy to use work, finances, distance etc as a polite excuse for not being around more often.

These days- with the availability of cheap 24/7 communication & easy travel- many difficult relatives will get very pushy for more.

I think given the choice between “all in” or “all out”- more people are choosing the latter.

I'm still using distance as an excuse. It helps to be in another country in another time zone and I did immigrate with that in mind. Pretty much when it's a day here, it's night there and vice versa. You're right, difficult relatives do get pushy, but thanks to time zone differences there's not much to push. I simply turn my phone off at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the past, I think a “distanced” relationship with difficult relatives was more readily accepted and easier to pull off. Attend a couple of major family gatherings/yr and “do your duty”(or visit once/yr if you live far away), send Christmas and birthday cards and call on special occasions etc. Easy to use work, finances, distance etc as a polite excuse for not being around more often.

These days- with the availability of cheap 24/7 communication & easy travel- many difficult relatives will get very pushy for more.

I think given the choice between “all in” or “all out”- more people are choosing the latter.

I'm still using distance as an excuse. It helps to be in another country in another time zone and I did immigrate with that in mind. Pretty much when it's a day here, it's night there and vice versa. You're right, difficult relatives do get pushy, but thanks to time zone differences there's not much to push. I simply turn my phone off at night.

Me too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I were talking the other night about how both of our families have dysfunction going back at least several generations, but how differently it impacts people today compared to 50 years ago, and how differently people feel and think about it.

The dysfunction in question is lots of alcohol abuse in both families, mental health issues that largely went undiagnosed, plus trauma -- lot of abuse against kids when they were young (not just spanking but like kids being beaten up by parents and siblings), plus societal traumas like the Great Depression, WWII, and the act of immigrating with no money and to a country where they faced a lot of discrimination.

But there are these stark differences between how our parents' and grandparents' generations handled those issues, and how our generation is handling it.

I just wonder what changed. A lot of the same issues are present by where my parents and grandparents managed to work through them to maintain family ties, my generation just isn't. I now wonder if I will ever see my siblings after my parents pass -- if things continue as they are, I will only see them if I do all the work to make it happen. It's sad.

You’re only describing a very small piece of the population. 50 years ago people were treated for mental health issues. There were probably more people who were ignorant about it and didn’t seek help but it was there, as bad as it is today. Most kids weren’t beaten. There are always immigrants coming in but most Americans have had generations of being American 50 years ago.

Fifty years ago young people had Vietnam to deal with along with the veterans being poorly treated. Our best leaders had been assassinated. The South was a hellhole that would burn their neighborhood down before they let Black people live there. Times weren’t great for a lot of people. I don’t think people today appreciate that although this country has many issues including why they would vote for someone like half of Americans did, there have been many worse times in our history.

Another person ignorant about U.S. history. The comments you made about the South were absolutely true in the North, the Midwest, and the West - everywhere. Many of the prefab communities in the North had rules against allowing anyone other than Whites from living in them. There are many known issues in all of the areas of this country with racism.

Yup, I agree with you- the PP you were replying to is really naive about the history of segregation and racism in the U.S. My family is from northern Ohio and 50-60 years ago black people were getting beat up for trying to go to public swimming pools and tossed over chain link fences at public parks if they dared to cross invisible but known lines of “whites only” spaces. In my west coast neighborhood, when I was a kid in the late 70s/early 80s, angry white parents rotated sitting in the classroom of the school’s first Asian teacher every single day for months “observing” her until they realized that she was more competent than anyone else in the building and finally left her alone.

The stories I could tell you about renting apartments in Annandale and Alexandria in the late 80's would stun people.The one black homeowner I knew in a sfh in Burke Centre in the early 90's was harassed out of her home.

I have a neighbor who bought a house on the side of town where her skin color was not wanted and her house was bombed. And this was in NYC in the 80’s.

When you don’t know the history, you don’t know the history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biggest difference--people are smarter and refuse to take the abuse.

Just like there were less divorces back in the day. Didn't mean that women didn't want them

This. My mom cut off a cousin a few years ago after 50+ years of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blood is thicker than water. I realize this the older I get.

Only if you have a good family. I have terrible parents. I am late 40s. I speak to them occasionally. I only see them twice a year because I have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blood is thicker than water. I realize this the older I get.

Only if you have a good family. I have terrible parents. I am late 40s. I speak to them occasionally. I only see them twice a year because I have kids.

Well sucks for us who are adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Canceling of elders simply did not exist. Not inviting grandparents for Christmas so we can have our nuclear family celebration was unheard of. Grandparents were considered a valuable part of the family and were welcomed at all holidays. The grandparents of yesteryears hosted many of the holidays.

No, this is a fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blood is thicker than water. I realize this the older I get.

Only if you have a good family. I have terrible parents. I am late 40s. I speak to them occasionally. I only see them twice a year because I have kids.

I bet you’d acknowledge blood is thicker than water when it comes to your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

There isn't some plague of people cutting off family. People just talk about it more. We are more aware of dysfunction and it's cost. You keep right on with your dumb made up stories. This is pure project 2025 sexist aimed bs.

DP. Disagree, I do think the action of cutting off family is actually occurring more and it’s not just talk. I guess we’d actually have to see some social data to show who is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It used to be more rare to move far away from family- that is a big piece.

Also, I think women used to spend more time maintaining family ties (even with ILs) than they do now. My dad had 4 brothers- my mom and the other wives planned everything, kept in close touch, and the men mostly just showed up. Most women do a lot less of this now (I know I do)- & expect the DH to take the lead with his family (and many men don’t do a great job at keeping in touch).

spot on

IMO, it's rare for men to keep in touch regularly. My DH does this, always has. But, most of the men I know don't do this. My brother sure doesn't. It's almost like out of sight, out of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this conversation. I think there are a lot of confounding reasons but I hate the positive narrative of estranging from family.

I feel like sometimes people are in a competition for whose trauma is worst. Really enjoyed the book the Power of Being Disliked and its discussion of denying trauma.

Another idea to add would be the role of women as kinkeepers. Women don't have the same ability or desire to continue to be the kinkeepers for both themselves and their husband.

Yes. People and their boundaries are out of control. There was one post where the MIL told the family that her son and dil were having a baby. They told her not to tell everyone and now they are estranged. I mean who cares? What kind of petty small minded people need to control an ordinary announcement.

Some people do have shitty parents, no doubt. But so many young people have zero tolerance and are so rigid that they can’t just let harmless things go. So the MIL told family members about a pregnancy. No harm done so just let it go already.

There isn't some plague of people cutting off family. People just talk about it more. We are more aware of dysfunction and it's cost. You keep right on with your dumb made up stories. This is pure project 2025 sexist aimed bs.

DP. Disagree, I do think the action of cutting off family is actually occurring more and it’s not just talk. I guess we’d actually have to see some social data to show who is right.

Well there is generally more divisiveness now with half the voters supporting a criminal POS trying to destroy our country. He would never have been on the ticket 50 years ago. That’s the #1 reason I know for modern families cutting each other off.

50 years ago it was mostly just people trying to avoid horrible family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Canceling of elders simply did not exist. Not inviting grandparents for Christmas so we can have our nuclear family celebration was unheard of. Grandparents were considered a valuable part of the family and were welcomed at all holidays. The grandparents of yesteryears hosted many of the holidays.

This is your fantasy and assumption. This was not always true.

+1

It definitely existed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Canceling of elders simply did not exist. Not inviting grandparents for Christmas so we can have our nuclear family celebration was unheard of. Grandparents were considered a valuable part of the family and were welcomed at all holidays. The grandparents of yesteryears hosted many of the holidays.

This is your fantasy and assumption. This was not always true.

+1

It definitely existed.

DP here. It existed but was much less common I think. Do you disagree?