Xmas/ ILs/ newly separated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused by the way you say "we host" and then say you are going somewhere else for the holiday.

Is it a gathering where you all go somewhere neutral, no one's home? And this is a tradition your kids are used to?

Who are the kids with day to day now?

What is the distance to this place? Are there other places you could afford to stay nearby?

Op - we rent an Airbnb a couple hours away where everyone can stay (bc we live in nyc in an apt) and have done this for years. The separation is very new and the place is rented already with no refunds and the kids are excited

Your DH can find a different place to stay.

[Anonymous]

Op - the dh part is less of an issue than the ils. I can handle dh being there for the sake of the kids - I just can’t host his parents for 2 nights also. The kids will be sad about that… this whole thing is still super new and tricky to navigate

[Anonymous]

I’m 10 years post separation because of cheating and we do all holidays together at my house. ILs come but stay at his house or a hotel.

It’s so nice for the kids that we are able to not make their holiday chaotic by traveling to each person.

It’s really not hard 10 years later because I don’t GAF. The 1st year might be hard.

Do his parents not know?

I’d let them come but not stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 10 years post separation because of cheating and we do all holidays together at my house. ILs come but stay at his house or a hotel.

It’s so nice for the kids that we are able to not make their holiday chaotic by traveling to each person.

It’s really not hard 10 years later because I don’t GAF. The 1st year might be hard.

Do his parents not know?

I’d let them come but not stay.

That’s really nice. I think they half know but are in denial. Denial is a big thing in their family. The denial piece is part of why I don’t want to have everything as normal bc I think it will be too much for me to kind of navigate a ‘pretend everything is totally fine’ model - but in an ideal world for the kids I would be able to do that

[Anonymous]

Is he still living in the same home as you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tips? Just cancel. He can call his parents to let them know that you all are separated. When they ask why, he can tell them that he cheated.

THIS X10000000000000. I wish I had forced my STBX to tell my edlerly parents. But he's such a coward he would have f$%ed that up too. This is also my first holiday season as a newly single person. Why would you pretend anything for the sake of this person who betrayed you? Perhaps when he was sticking it elsewhere these thoughts should have crossed his mind. "Oh drat. This will really make things a right pickle for the holidays." But the only thought that crossed his mind was how quickly to unzip his pants. Repeat after me "OH WELL." The new normal is weird but you would be insane to pretend things are ok and you should proceed as normal to spare his parents. Not your job. FWIW my college kid announced they will be spending Xmas with me and not with their father. I had assumed we would do some kind of split day visits or Xmas Eve/Xmas day but dc is like "nope, this is what I want." Hang in there. We've got your back.

Why didn’t you tell your elderly parents? Why was the onus on him? Were you also cowardly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 10 years post separation because of cheating and we do all holidays together at my house. ILs come but stay at his house or a hotel.

It’s so nice for the kids that we are able to not make their holiday chaotic by traveling to each person.

It’s really not hard 10 years later because I don’t GAF. The 1st year might be hard.

Do his parents not know?

I’d let them come but not stay.

That’s really nice. I think they half know but are in denial. Denial is a big thing in their family. The denial piece is part of why I don’t want to have everything as normal bc I think it will be too much for me to kind of navigate a ‘pretend everything is totally fine’ model - but in an ideal world for the kids I would be able to do that

Do the kids know you are separated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused by the way you say "we host" and then say you are going somewhere else for the holiday.

Is it a gathering where you all go somewhere neutral, no one's home? And this is a tradition your kids are used to?

Who are the kids with day to day now?

What is the distance to this place? Are there other places you could afford to stay nearby?

Op - we rent an Airbnb a couple hours away where everyone can stay (bc we live in nyc in an apt) and have done this for years. The separation is very new and the place is rented already with no refunds and the kids are excited

Are the ILs not aware of your separation? Why would you have to “pretend” anything?

[Anonymous]

Do the kids know?

^^^
That’s the first question.

If they don’t, then I would probably go for the Xmas trip and just keep things normal. Don’t tell the in-laws if the kids don’t know.

Honestly, this will be your future: alternating holidays. Your kids will be forced to alternate forever. You will have every other holiday alone. Make sure this is what you really want.

If there is any way to channel your inner Gwyneth or Demi or St. Jen Garner, try to find a way to coparent that doesn’t make your kids’ holidays suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 10 years post separation because of cheating and we do all holidays together at my house. ILs come but stay at his house or a hotel.

It’s so nice for the kids that we are able to not make their holiday chaotic by traveling to each person.

It’s really not hard 10 years later because I don’t GAF. The 1st year might be hard.

Do his parents not know?

I’d let them come but not stay.

That’s really nice. I think they half know but are in denial. Denial is a big thing in their family. The denial piece is part of why I don’t want to have everything as normal bc I think it will be too much for me to kind of navigate a ‘pretend everything is totally fine’ model - but in an ideal world for the kids I would be able to do that

That’s on them. Their denial should not impact how you conduct yourself.

[Anonymous]

Also - this is too vague. How do your ILs “half know?” What does that even mean? Were they informed or not?

And do your kids know or not? We cannot give meaningful advice in the absence of this information.

I think that it’s fine to go but don’t pretend anything. You’re making the best of things for the kids, but you are separated, and everyone is aware. That’s only if you and your DH can be cordial, of course.

[Anonymous]

NO MORE CODDLING DH

1. He MUST tell his parents he cheated
2. He stays elsewhere
3. You let the grandparents spend time with the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO MORE CODDLING DH

1. He MUST tell his parents he cheated
2. He stays elsewhere
3. You let the grandparents spend time with the kids

but so they stay and he doesn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - this is too vague. How do your ILs “half know?” What does that even mean? Were they informed or not?

And do your kids know or not? We cannot give meaningful advice in the absence of this information.

I think that it’s fine to go but don’t pretend anything. You’re making the best of things for the kids, but you are separated, and everyone is aware. That’s only if you and your DH can be cordial, of course.

they know what happened. they know we are taking time. they are hoping we get back together. I still dont know what will happen bc it is new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also - this is too vague. How do your ILs “half know?” What does that even mean? Were they informed or not?

And do your kids know or not? We cannot give meaningful advice in the absence of this information.

I think that it’s fine to go but don’t pretend anything. You’re making the best of things for the kids, but you are separated, and everyone is aware. That’s only if you and your DH can be cordial, of course.

they know what happened. they know we are taking time. they are hoping we get back together. I still dont know what will happen bc it is new.

I'm sorry. This will be agonizing. I would bring a ton of books and read my way through the holiday. Since your in-laws know, at least they can be on best behavior. If you actually like these in-laws, it might be mutually reassuring that you'll remain connected through the kids. I don't see a way to address the situation that provides normalcy for the kids other than everyone goes. Can you order a pre-made Christmas dinner?