Reply to When I try to build a closer relationship with sibling, he distances himself

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m not at all sure why people are jumping to blaming the spouse. There’s zero reason to think that. If you’re both estranged from your parents, there’s likely some pain and trauma there. If you really think about it, and you’re honest, are you sure you don’t know more about why he doesn’t want a closer relationship?

I have a minimal relationship with my siblings. They would say they have no idea why. They are Trump supporters who get angry if I ask if their guns are secured before I bring my children into their home. We were never close growing up, and I don’t enjoy spending time with them. I text them, and that’s enough of a relationship for me.[/quote]

OP here. How would you respond though if they kept reaching out to you, trying to set up plans, taking a genuine interest in your life, etc.? Or if they asked you why you keep your distance?

I feel like my brother keeps his distance but I really do not know why and I try to do all the things that I know of to try to have a relationship with someone. I do feel confused but he has never told me the reason or what would work for trying to get closer to him. Asking him in even the gentlest way puts him instantly on the defensive.

Yes, we do come from a very abusive family but I've tried to find a way to connect with my brother directly. We're both estranged from almost all of our family.[/quote]

I'm this PP.  If they asked why I keep my distance, I would try to get out of telling them, because past attempts at honest, direct communication with my siblings have not gone well.  Honestly, in families with lots of trauma, communication tends to not be a strong suit.  I don't understand why you think my family continuing to reach out would change my mind about wanting to have a close relationship.  I don't want a close relationship.  I don't want to fight, but I don't want to be close.  It's not about wanting them to make more effort.  I don't want to be close.[/quote]

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