Reply to When I try to build a closer relationship with sibling, he distances himself

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I am so sorry for the situation with your son and the pain that comes with that along with having a brother who isn't supportive. You need to accept the harsh reality that he doesn't want the type of relationship you want and let it go. Let him be who he is.

I disagree with all the people trying to scapegoat a wife. Stop triangulating in the wife and dehumanizing her and deal with accepting the boundaries of your relationship with your own brother. [/quote]

Op here. I think what’s hard is the phone conversations feel really important to me. Like my brother comes to me for advice and he confides in me. I guess it’s just hard for me not to feel like this is an important and real relationship. I think for me to stop hoping for more, I’d need to stop the phone calls, or greatly limit them. Because as things are I keep thinking we have this great relationship and then having to learn over and over again that we don’t seem to actually have much of a relationship.[/quote]

I would examine whether you have realistic expectations. My SIL was always upset with my husband and I helped her to see she was trying to make him be a different person. He cares a lot about her. He's way more introverted than she is and he has different interests. He did want to see her, just not as often as she wanted. They also came from a family with estrangements and complex dynamics. She did eventually let him be himself. Not saying your situation is the same, but I think a lot of what she read as rejection was just that he didn't do friendship that way.

If you truly enjoy the phone conversations, than continue to do so. If you feel like it's all take and no give, then maybe re-evaluate. Figure out different measurements for closeness. I don't enjoy traveling to see people now with kids, it's just too much and I don't have as much to give, but I still value you friends and loved ones. I would be supportive if a loved one were ill, but my husband would not know how to do so, but he would care and worry. I guess maybe figure out if you are trying to make him be a person he can't be or do you think he just isn't that into a relationship? I have plenty of people in my life who might seem disappointing in one area, but I value them because they bring joy to my life in other areas. I have friends who just can't be there for a major illness or challenge-due to their own life stressors or overwhelm or flakiness, but I can name many reasons why they are keepers! I have countless flaws and quirks too.[/quote]

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