Women, do you ever think your DH has a double life?

[Anonymous]

DH frequently goes out to play his sport. He could have many dalliances with women during this time and I would never ever know. You just have to trust that your husband is not up to shenanigans and if they are that they can’t perpetually cover their tracks.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there are that many horrible predators out there. They certainly exist, but not on every block.

What is really concerning is, as pointed out in the OP, how so many men let this man get away with this. You know not everyone that he invited to violate his wife did it; most probably did not. And yet they felt no need to report it. I'm sure he sold it as something she consented to, though. But still. My DH wouldn't hurt a fly, but if offered something like this he'd be disgusted and maybe even concerned... and probably still not say a word about it to anyone assuming it was not his place or business to do so. And he wouldn't mention it to me either, which is key here -- if this had been mentioned to any women it would have dawned on them immediately that this was not likely to be consensual. Men, if told it was, would probably just accept that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's way more common than we think.

Every so often, I'll google men I used to date, was friends with, or went to school with. I've been pretty shocked how many ended up arrested for preying on children.

A good friend of mine was married to an upstanding guy, good job, active in the church, etc. Eventually she found out he lost his job and had been pretending to go to work every day. Did some more digging and found out he was fired for sexually harassing women at work.

What? What the hell. I don't know of anyone I dated, was friends with or went to school with who got "arrested for preying on children."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair is different from a double life.

My SILs father had a double life. Two full families. Both thought he travelled part of each week for work but really he just split his time across the two homes.

The wife of the newer family got suspicious and so he ditched his original family for about a year and lived full time with new family (who knows what story he told his original family).

Eventually he was found out but he lived the double life for about 12 years.

My great aunt was married to a big amidst. He had another wife and family in another part of the state. He was on the road for business travel.and that was part of his territory. When I read about Scott Peterson being a fertilizer salesman and meeting Amber Frey, I thought of my great aunt's husband. I guess it was probably easier in the past but I think you could probably still do it if you travel a lot.

My mother married a man who had another wife. My first stepdad. She was dating him for a year or two, and got mad and histrionic because he hadn't asked her to marry him, and she moved us halfway across the country from state A to her home town in state B to force him. It actually worked -- he moved up there and they got married. Every couple of weeks there would be some kind of crisis with his grown son (I think he was 20 or so?) and he'd have to fly back to state A for a while. Turned out there weren't any crises with the son; this guy was flying back there (on my mother's dime) to be with his other wife. My mother figured this out fairly quickly and filed for divorce within 6 months or so (yes, in our state at that time it made sense to file for divorce as opposed to annulment). The really bizarre thing is that his (very old) father was a preacher and married them -- probably knowing full well about the other wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I never suspected it, until I stumbled across it.

He was a predator (of other adult women who were lacking in self-esteem and power). I, it turned out, was his beard and bait - the nice, intelligent woman who bore his cute, smart, well-behaved kids. A great father and husband would never be a predator - that was the beard part. It was also the bait for his APs - a guy who had such cute kids and an accomplished, attractive wife who, sadly, he no longer loves because the AP has captured his heart.

Needless to say I kicked him out. It took about 6 months of me in super-detective mode to unravel his lies. It took another 2 years to get in a position to safely tell him to leave.

To this day, I do not think he knows the magnitude of what I know.

He found another woman to marry. I don't know and don't care what he is doing behind her back. His presentation should have raised red flags (no custody of kids) but it did not.

I will never feel trust in any relationship again. Any guy could be doing this, and I would never know without the high level of effort I had to make. I simply don't want to put that much effort into any relationship.

I am sorry this happened to you but your ex sounds less like a “predator” than someone who was unhappy with his marriage, stepped out and got caught.

Ahh, the old, "he's not a bad guy, he just didn't love you" line. This is what he fed his credulous APs.

I knew we couldn't have this thread without victim-blaming.

He is not someone who was unhappy with his marriage - we had sex multiple times a week and when I confronted him about the tip of the iceberg he cried and begged me not to throw him out and promised to go to therapy, etc., all the while telling me what he thought was a palatable lie about 1 affair when really (as I later found out) that was a complete lie and he had been sleeping with multiple women and manipulating others for ego strokes. for at least two years after I told him to leave, he kept trying to get back together with me.

He was first diagnosed with sex addiction. In a later discussion with his psychiatrist, whom he had given permission to speak with me, I answered a series of questions and had an hour long conversation so that the psychiatrist could decide if he was a psychopath or a sociopath (apparently one feels guilt and one does not).

Whether psychopath or sociopath, he was absolutely a predator in the sense that he manipulated and used women around himself for his own gain without any concern for the impact on them. He had multiple lives with multiple women. I have seen the stories he constructs online and in emails.

Despite his many professions of love to me, looking back I know that they were just words and gestures designed to capture a wife that would make him look like a good guy. I don't think he ever really loved me nor cared for the kids (even though he initiated and was a willing and active participant in their creation.) I don't think he has the capacity for that depth or kind of feeling. He goes through motions that are merely a means to an ends. That is predatory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I never suspected it, until I stumbled across it.

He was a predator (of other adult women who were lacking in self-esteem and power). I, it turned out, was his beard and bait - the nice, intelligent woman who bore his cute, smart, well-behaved kids. A great father and husband would never be a predator - that was the beard part. It was also the bait for his APs - a guy who had such cute kids and an accomplished, attractive wife who, sadly, he no longer loves because the AP has captured his heart.

Needless to say I kicked him out. It took about 6 months of me in super-detective mode to unravel his lies. It took another 2 years to get in a position to safely tell him to leave.

To this day, I do not think he knows the magnitude of what I know.

He found another woman to marry. I don't know and don't care what he is doing behind her back. His presentation should have raised red flags (no custody of kids) but it did not.

I will never feel trust in any relationship again. Any guy could be doing this, and I would never know without the high level of effort I had to make. I simply don't want to put that much effort into any relationship.

I am sorry this happened to you but your ex sounds less like a “predator” than someone who was unhappy with his marriage, stepped out and got caught.

Ahh, the old, "he's not a bad guy, he just didn't love you" line. This is what he fed his credulous APs.

I knew we couldn't have this thread without victim-blaming.

He is not someone who was unhappy with his marriage - we had sex multiple times a week and when I confronted him about the tip of the iceberg he cried and begged me not to throw him out and promised to go to therapy, etc., all the while telling me what he thought was a palatable lie about 1 affair when really (as I later found out) that was a complete lie and he had been sleeping with multiple women and manipulating others for ego strokes. for at least two years after I told him to leave, he kept trying to get back together with me.

He was first diagnosed with sex addiction. In a later discussion with his psychiatrist, whom he had given permission to speak with me, I answered a series of questions and had an hour long conversation so that the psychiatrist could decide if he was a psychopath or a sociopath (apparently one feels guilt and one does not).

Whether psychopath or sociopath, he was absolutely a predator in the sense that he manipulated and used women around himself for his own gain without any concern for the impact on them. He had multiple lives with multiple women. I have seen the stories he constructs online and in emails.

Despite his many professions of love to me, looking back I know that they were just words and gestures designed to capture a wife that would make him look like a good guy. I don't think he ever really loved me nor cared for the kids (even though he initiated and was a willing and active participant in their creation.) I don't think he has the capacity for that depth or kind of feeling. He goes through motions that are merely a means to an ends. That is predatory.

Even with all of this background, I agree with PP that "predator" is hyperbolic here.

[Anonymous]

OP, that story is pretty extreme. But I think most cheating is run of the mill, as it's too easy these days with Tinder and OnlyFans, etc. I would assume lots of wives don't know their husbands are on those.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone in my orbit is low energy. We can barely go to work/school, take care of home/kids/elders/pets, come home, eat and go to bed.

Just plain ol boring people, with zero appetite to meet other people, vape/drink/do drugs/party.

Ordinary life is whupping our asses.

[Anonymous]

Yes but only because I'm a little crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone in my orbit is low energy. We can barely go to work/school, take care of home/kids/elders/pets, come home, eat and go to bed.

Just plain ol boring people, with zero appetite to meet other people, vape/drink/do drugs/party.

Ordinary life is whupping our asses.

Yes, husband here. I barely have the energy for a single life, let alone a double life. If I have any free time I will use it to nap rather than predate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone in my orbit is low energy. We can barely go to work/school, take care of home/kids/elders/pets, come home, eat and go to bed.

Just plain ol boring people, with zero appetite to meet other people, vape/drink/do drugs/party.

Ordinary life is whupping our asses.

Ha! This was the main reason I never suspected my then-H of cheating. And I do still think that's a pretty good indicator. But turned out to be false in my case.

My ex (together 22 years, married 12) was having sex with men from craigslist and gay hookup apps during the day when I was working out of the home (he worked at home). He was also a crossdresser, and had been since high school, which I knew nothing about. He went so far as to archive all of his Amazon purchases, even though we had separate accounts.

I never suspected a thing. We had regular sex with no issues. Never any shady behavior with his phone. He went fishing a lot and I'd sometimes show up at the pond unannounced with our dog just to surprise him and he was always there alone fishing. Both of us came from liberal, nonreligious families, and we didn't want kids, so none of the traditional reasons someone might stay closeted.

One day I was diagnosed with a minor STD, confronted him, and he said he'd exchanged oral with 3 men. Total shock to me, got divorced, etc. He dated a new woman for a year, and when they broke up she contacted me and said he cheated on her with men, and she was an absolute font of information. She found out when they were on vacation together and he fell asleep with his laptop open and she snooped. That's one thing I never did in our marriage, both because I had no suspicions and because he's extremely tech savvy. She also made fake profiles on his gay apps and catfished him and took screenshots. She's my hero. She gave me so.much.information that helped answer so many questions I thought I'd never get answers to.

[Anonymous]

1:31 here. In case not clear, he'd been doing full-on everything with men our entire relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'm a guy and in all my adult life I've never known any guys who have a secret life of depravity. Or at any rate they never confessed it to me or got caught. We are all just ordinary straight arrows...

[Anonymous]

I know a family where the husband pretended to be some big shot consultant but was borrowing money from family members. Never told his wife and kids that their McMansion was in foreclosure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I never suspected it, until I stumbled across it.

He was a predator (of other adult women who were lacking in self-esteem and power). I, it turned out, was his beard and bait - the nice, intelligent woman who bore his cute, smart, well-behaved kids. A great father and husband would never be a predator - that was the beard part. It was also the bait for his APs - a guy who had such cute kids and an accomplished, attractive wife who, sadly, he no longer loves because the AP has captured his heart.

Needless to say I kicked him out. It took about 6 months of me in super-detective mode to unravel his lies. It took another 2 years to get in a position to safely tell him to leave.

To this day, I do not think he knows the magnitude of what I know.

He found another woman to marry. I don't know and don't care what he is doing behind her back. His presentation should have raised red flags (no custody of kids) but it did not.

I will never feel trust in any relationship again. Any guy could be doing this, and I would never know without the high level of effort I had to make. I simply don't want to put that much effort into any relationship.

I am sorry this happened to you but your ex sounds less like a “predator” than someone who was unhappy with his marriage, stepped out and got caught.

Ahh, the old, "he's not a bad guy, he just didn't love you" line. This is what he fed his credulous APs.

I knew we couldn't have this thread without victim-blaming.

He is not someone who was unhappy with his marriage - we had sex multiple times a week and when I confronted him about the tip of the iceberg he cried and begged me not to throw him out and promised to go to therapy, etc., all the while telling me what he thought was a palatable lie about 1 affair when really (as I later found out) that was a complete lie and he had been sleeping with multiple women and manipulating others for ego strokes. for at least two years after I told him to leave, he kept trying to get back together with me.

He was first diagnosed with sex addiction. In a later discussion with his psychiatrist, whom he had given permission to speak with me, I answered a series of questions and had an hour long conversation so that the psychiatrist could decide if he was a psychopath or a sociopath (apparently one feels guilt and one does not).

Whether psychopath or sociopath, he was absolutely a predator in the sense that he manipulated and used women around himself for his own gain without any concern for the impact on them. He had multiple lives with multiple women. I have seen the stories he constructs online and in emails.

Despite his many professions of love to me, looking back I know that they were just words and gestures designed to capture a wife that would make him look like a good guy. I don't think he ever really loved me nor cared for the kids (even though he initiated and was a willing and active participant in their creation.) I don't think he has the capacity for that depth or kind of feeling. He goes through motions that are merely a means to an ends. That is predatory.

New poster here. I understand what you're saying. I discovered a trove of electronic messages and porn images my ex was making with his GF and if I hadn't seen them with my own eyes I wouldn't have believed it. It was hard to believe even with the evidence in front of me.

He would sneak out after I fell asleep, have secret messages on various game apps (Ruzzle, Words with Friends).

He told me I was the love of his life, but he also told the other woman that... at the same time. It's a mindf*ck to never know what was real and what I was being told so he could use me.