Women, do you ever think your DH has a double life?

[Anonymous]

No, I never suspected it, until I stumbled across it.

He was a predator (of other adult women who were lacking in self-esteem and power). I, it turned out, was his beard and bait - the nice, intelligent woman who bore his cute, smart, well-behaved kids. A great father and husband would never be a predator - that was the beard part. It was also the bait for his APs - a guy who had such cute kids and an accomplished, attractive wife who, sadly, he no longer loves because the AP has captured his heart.

Needless to say I kicked him out. It took about 6 months of me in super-detective mode to unravel his lies. It took another 2 years to get in a position to safely tell him to leave.

To this day, I do not think he knows the magnitude of what I know.

He found another woman to marry. I don't know and don't care what he is doing behind her back. His presentation should have raised red flags (no custody of kids) but it did not.

I will never feel trust in any relationship again. Any guy could be doing this, and I would never know without the high level of effort I had to make. I simply don't want to put that much effort into any relationship.

[Anonymous]

No but I am not of the belief it would never happen. Temptation is subtle and often deceptive at the beginning - feeling like what is right and the truth. My dh’s dad had a secret life for many years so I know the generational conditioning is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I never suspected it, until I stumbled across it.

He was a predator (of other adult women who were lacking in self-esteem and power). I, it turned out, was his beard and bait - the nice, intelligent woman who bore his cute, smart, well-behaved kids. A great father and husband would never be a predator - that was the beard part. It was also the bait for his APs - a guy who had such cute kids and an accomplished, attractive wife who, sadly, he no longer loves because the AP has captured his heart.

Needless to say I kicked him out. It took about 6 months of me in super-detective mode to unravel his lies. It took another 2 years to get in a position to safely tell him to leave.

To this day, I do not think he knows the magnitude of what I know.

He found another woman to marry. I don't know and don't care what he is doing behind her back. His presentation should have raised red flags (no custody of kids) but it did not.

I will never feel trust in any relationship again. Any guy could be doing this, and I would never know without the high level of effort I had to make. I simply don't want to put that much effort into any relationship.

I am sorry this happened to you but your ex sounds less like a “predator” than someone who was unhappy with his marriage, stepped out and got caught.

[Anonymous]

Google Charles Kuralt (60 minutes). Charles Lindbergh had several "wives," one of whom did not even know she was married to Charles Lindbergh!

[Anonymous]

I think it's way more common than we think.

Every so often, I'll google men I used to date, was friends with, or went to school with. I've been pretty shocked how many ended up arrested for preying on children.

A good friend of mine was married to an upstanding guy, good job, active in the church, etc. Eventually she found out he lost his job and had been pretending to go to work every day. Did some more digging and found out he was fired for sexually harassing women at work.

[Anonymous]

One used them used the excuse he was going to Walmart.

That's how quickly it can happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Google Charles Kuralt (60 minutes). Charles Lindbergh had several "wives," one of whom did not even know she was married to Charles Lindbergh!

Wow. Thx. Very interesting. I didn't know that.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call what you describe as a double life.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never worried about it and I know people will say you should always worry about it. He’s always had a great North Star both in business and his family life and we have had a very loving relationship for almost 35 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't call what you describe as a double life.

It's a double life of portraying himself to be a loving father and husband while he sneaks off to prey on adolescent under age boys instead of going to Walmart on a family vacation.

[Anonymous]

An affair is different from a double life.

My SILs father had a double life. Two full families. Both thought he travelled part of each week for work but really he just split his time across the two homes.

The wife of the newer family got suspicious and so he ditched his original family for about a year and lived full time with new family (who knows what story he told his original family).

Eventually he was found out but he lived the double life for about 12 years.

[Anonymous]

*shudder (not shutter)

(This is DCUM and no one had done that yet so I had to.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it would be pretty easy to tell if he was cheating or had a second life with the way our lives our set up. If anything, I'm the one with a "second life" he has no idea about (heavily involved in a very niche fandom).

Our lives were very intertwined. We both were very involved and always together—weekends, evenings, workout together, etc. I would have laughed if somebody suggested cheating. There were zero signs—still having fun, going out—never did separate guys or gal nights. Like others- an hour here or there a month on WAH “meeting” days and phone locator manipulated to appear he was at the office. It’s easy to hack iPhone location thru a laptop apparently.

My trust and reality was completely upended after that …for good. Never say never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An affair is different from a double life.

My SILs father had a double life. Two full families. Both thought he travelled part of each week for work but really he just split his time across the two homes.

The wife of the newer family got suspicious and so he ditched his original family for about a year and lived full time with new family (who knows what story he told his original family).

Eventually he was found out but he lived the double life for about 12 years.

My great aunt was married to a big amidst. He had another wife and family in another part of the state. He was on the road for business travel.and that was part of his territory. When I read about Scott Peterson being a fertilizer salesman and meeting Amber Frey, I thought of my great aunt's husband. I guess it was probably easier in the past but I think you could probably still do it if you travel a lot.

[Anonymous]

^^bigamist