Lonely college students

[Anonymous]

It was our parent's expectation that we would adjust, that it would take time .. like months, and that it was normal to be a bit lonely. You work through those feelings. You reach out to other students, walk down the hall, knock on doors. Introduce yourself. It's not completely comfortable, live isn't.

It was our parent's expectation that we not visit home before Thanksgiving. Unless there is some dire health emergency, it should be assumed that the adjustment to college takes months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do take phones away or limit use in some colleges during orientation week.

Really? Other than in classes, not sure how you can do this. They are adults

Not forcing but requesting to put phones in a basket for group activities during orientation week. If someone is expecting an important call, they can go quickly check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was our parent's expectation that we would adjust, that it would take time .. like months, and that it was normal to be a bit lonely. You work through those feelings. You reach out to other students, walk down the hall, knock on doors. Introduce yourself. It's not completely comfortable, live isn't.

It was our parent's expectation that we not visit home before Thanksgiving. Unless there is some dire health emergency, it should be assumed that the adjustment to college takes months.

Most parents expect kids to manage. However, some kids need more than expectations. There is a reason mental health issues are soaring in college age kids and suicides happen at many colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was our parent's expectation that we would adjust, that it would take time .. like months, and that it was normal to be a bit lonely. You work through those feelings. You reach out to other students, walk down the hall, knock on doors. Introduce yourself. It's not completely comfortable, live isn't.

It was our parent's expectation that we not visit home before Thanksgiving. Unless there is some dire health emergency, it should be assumed that the adjustment to college takes months.

Modern times....do not knock on random doors. You can meet people in class/clubs/hallway when doors are open and people are hanging out/cafeteria. If you tell your kid to walk around knocking the response will not be they want most likely. It's like people showing up at your house without calling first. That was totally fine in the 1950s-1980s, maybe 90s. Doesn't go over well with younger folk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, it's parents being more aware and having social media to complain to.

I never told my parents what my life was like in college.

I ask DC if they have friends they hang out with.

+1 I had a really hard time making friends first year of college. Didn't really find my groove until well into 2nd year. I didn't talk to my parents about it.

Same. First year in college I went to football games and such with girls in my dorm, who clearly wanted to hang out with me, joined clubs as had been suggested, but I knew these kids, though nice kids, were not my group. It was almost more lonely to hang out with people I didn't have much in common with rather than just hang out alone.

Didn't find my groupt till the next year as I started taking classes in my major & minor and got a part-time job. And, no, didn't discuss any of this with my parents.

I have already told my DS 17 (a junior) that the first year in college is often not easy socially, so be prepared that it may take some time to find your people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, it's parents being more aware and having social media to complain to.

I never told my parents what my life was like in college.

I ask DC if they have friends they hang out with.

+1 I had a really hard time making friends first year of college. Didn't really find my groove until well into 2nd year. I didn't talk to my parents about it.

Same. First year in college I went to football games and such with girls in my dorm, who clearly wanted to hang out with me, joined clubs as had been suggested, but I knew these kids, though nice kids, were not my group. It was almost more lonely to hang out with people I didn't have much in common with rather than just hang out alone.

Didn't find my groupt till the next year as I started taking classes in my major & minor and got a part-time job. And, no, didn't discuss any of this with my parents.

I have already told my DS 17 (a junior) that the first year in college is often not easy socially, so be prepared that it may take some time to find your people.

PP here again.

One reason I didn't share with my parents is because we weren't really all that close tbh. I have a much better relationship with my own kid and should he have these lonely feelings, I do hope he'll call me if he needs support from home, suggestions from us, etc. Much better to share with people who have your best interests at heart rather than dealing with it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

parents on the Facebook group are self-selected to be more anxious about their kid’s adjustment

This. You don't belong there. This group shouldn't exist.

But here you are on an “Adult Children” forum. See the problem?

[Anonymous]

I have an opposite problem. My college freshman DS is probably having too much fun at UVA as a recruited athlete. He is telling his high school senior brother, via text, that he has slept with at least 40 women since the semester begun. He said that having sex with women is so easy as a D1 athlete. I am very worried about my DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the parent Facebook group for my kid’s college. Almost every week, someone posts about how their child is feeling isolated, hasn’t made close friends, is bored and lonely etc. My child complains of similar adjustment issues, even though they never had trouble finding friends and activities in the past.
Is it something about their particular college? Is it that their generation doesn’t know how to make friends? Is it that the parents on the Facebook group are self-selected to be more anxious about their kid’s adjustment and 90% of the students are doing just great?

It's a combination of all. I do see the same at my kid's College FB group. Is he attending JMU as well? lol.

For my son, his expectations where really high in regards to friendships, parties, culture and so on.

He is outgoing, athletic, tall and handsome and has met a bunch of girls but has not made close connections with the guys. In part because most of the "cool guys" have joined Fraternities and he didn't want to so now he feels lonely.

I think what social media does now is that they see people doing things, "having fun", and feel left out and lonely. At that age I was outgoing but still didn't make friends easily but I also didn't know what others were doing or what I was "missing out".

I do hear that it takes time to find yourself, but isn't that what College is for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on the parent Facebook group for my kid’s college. Almost every week, someone posts about how their child is feeling isolated, hasn’t made close friends, is bored and lonely etc. My child complains of similar adjustment issues, even though they never had trouble finding friends and activities in the past.
Is it something about their particular college? Is it that their generation doesn’t know how to make friends? Is it that the parents on the Facebook group are self-selected to be more anxious about their kid’s adjustment and 90% of the students are doing just great?

It's a combination of all. I do see the same at my kid's College FB group. Is he attending JMU as well? lol.

For my son, his expectations where really high in regards to friendships, parties, culture and so on.

He is outgoing, athletic, tall and handsome and has met a bunch of girls but has not made close connections with the guys. In part because most of the "cool guys" have joined Fraternities and he didn't want to so now he feels lonely.

I think what social media does now is that they see people doing things, "having fun", and feel left out and lonely. At that age I was outgoing but still didn't make friends easily but I also didn't know what others were doing or what I was "missing out".

I do hear that it takes time to find yourself, but isn't that what College is for?

LOL... I call this BS. No guy with that caliber is going to be lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an opposite problem. My college freshman DS is probably having too much fun at UVA as a recruited athlete. He is telling his high school senior brother, via text, that he has slept with at least 40 women since the semester begun. He said that having sex with women is so easy as a D1 athlete. I am very worried about my DS.

Likely a troll but I have a fourth year DD who knows alot of athletes (football, baseball, soccer, golf, track etc) and they were all out of control first year and regret it, AND have terrible reputations now as fourth years with the ladies. Yeah first year girls may be intrigued but girls will wisen up soon enough.

[Anonymous]

My son was a freshman in college last year. Nobody in his dorm kept their doors open like we did in college. He had barely met the people living next door to him half way through the year. It's the technology and connection to "home" that is a problem, in my opinion. That said, he's done fine making friends because he's on a varsity team, which helps a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an opposite problem. My college freshman DS is probably having too much fun at UVA as a recruited athlete. He is telling his high school senior brother, via text, that he has slept with at least 40 women since the semester begun. He said that having sex with women is so easy as a D1 athlete. I am very worried about my DS.

Likely a troll but I have a fourth year DD who knows alot of athletes (football, baseball, soccer, golf, track etc) and they were all out of control first year and regret it, AND have terrible reputations now as fourth years with the ladies. Yeah first year girls may be intrigued but girls will wisen up soon enough.

Sounded like your DD got passed around by the athletes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an opposite problem. My college freshman DS is probably having too much fun at UVA as a recruited athlete. He is telling his high school senior brother, via text, that he has slept with at least 40 women since the semester begun. He said that having sex with women is so easy as a D1 athlete. I am very worried about my DS.

I hope to God he's using condoms. I'd put some in the next care package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, it's parents being more aware and having social media to complain to.

I never told my parents what my life was like in college.

I ask DC if they have friends they hang out with.

+1 I had a really hard time making friends first year of college. Didn't really find my groove until well into 2nd year. I didn't talk to my parents about it.

Kids unwilling to speak to or confide in their parents isn't the bar that many people aspire to.

100%. Far better than kids becoming depressed or suicidal.

I don’t know. Dealing with your own problems is essential for mental health. Falling back on your parents and dragging them into your misery doesn’t help anything. I was miserable at the start of college but sharing that with my parents would not have made the situation better. I had to learn to make more efforts to get out and befriend people.

It wouldn't have made your situation better because our parents (mine included) really struggled with empathy, emotional maturity, and social problem solving. I was so depressed and lonely in college I did finally try to talk to my mom about it. Her response was to get mad, because she had "spent so much time driving me around to look at schools" and then I ended up being unhappy where I chose. As an adult I understand her response was terrible because she had no other skills with which to react, but at the time I ended contemplating if killing myself would just be easier than transferring or going home.

I made it through alone and somehow put together a transfer application to a school I was better suited for, and honestly by the end of the year I had found my tribe at the first school and would have been ok if I stayed. I could have had the exact same lesson of grit and problem solving, minus the crippling depression and suicidal ideation, if I had had parents who were empathetic and supportive.

Needless to say, I've tried to take a different approach with my kids. In the end they will have to make their choices and do their work, but I think me providing empathy and advice is going to make them stronger, not weaker.

So, to answer OP, the difference is that more kids talk to their parents today, and their parents actually give a crap. I think that's a good thing.