How often do you call your DC in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS talks to me or his step dad everyday. If it’s guy stuff - cars, girls, working out, travel, medical, or financial, he calls his step dad. If it’s school, classes, grades, interviews, siblings, or financial, he calls me. We text most days as well.

DS seeks our opinion on things and seems to generally enjoy our conversations. My parents were AWOL when I was in college and I really struggled. They had no idea and didn’t seem to care.

DS has a 3.95 GPA, many friends, and participates in activities. It doesn’t seem to be holding him back by maintaining a close relationship with his family.

People forget that phone calls actually used to cost $$$s back when we went to school. Relative to median wages, they were expensive as well.

My only point is that I bet more of our parents would have called/been more involved if contacting your kid was free...vs. every call might be $5 - $10 a pop.

[Anonymous]

UVA Prof. Tim Davis gave an interesting presentation to parents during orientation about building a resilient student. I hope the link below works for those that are interested. He gave a follow up presentation last night and several people asked what to do if their kid isn't reaching out (what's "normal, too much or too little"). His message was developmentally they want more independence so we need to step back and change our role from caregiver to one of friendly support.

His suggestions -
1. Follow their lead - let them reach out to you. It's ok to require a call 1x a week (we are paying!), but they get to decide when and how to connect (call or FaceTime)
2. Be a good listener - let them direct the call and don't tell them what to do
3. Don't try to solve their problems, instead affirm their feelings (I'm sorry you didn't make the club/team etc - that stinks),
4. Ask questions, especially when they call and they're upset about not getting the class they wanted, a low test score, roommate, food, friends etc. Our role is to again acknowledge their frustration and then ask what are some resources you can utilize to address the situation. But, unless it's a life threatening situation or a serious mental health challenge, let them figure it out. They'll take their bumps and bruises, but will be more resilient.

https://orientation.virginia.edu/resilient-college-student

[Anonymous]

We text at least once everyday or two and we require a 10 minute facetime video every week.

I'd recommend putting your eyes on your kid every week at least for the first year. The number of people I know whose kids went off the rails on drugs or mental health issues their freshman year is heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I talk to her so darn much. It's actually crazy how much I hear from her. I had to tell her yesterday to please go to dad with her problems because I just couldn't hack it anymore.

That said, she's already been through an ER visit, a horrific roommate situation and then move, we've been sourcing stuff from the community for her new room (like fridge/microwave, TV, etc) so I have to connect her to them from 8 hours away and then yesterday she said she was very sick (likely sinus infection, but also something in her throat). Then, at the end of the day, she called to say she lost her ID. After paying $50, she of course got the email that her original ID had been found. Sonuva ;P

OMG, the drama, y'all - I need a break

She doesn't sound ready to be off to college. She needs to clean up her own messes.

That sounds like covid.

What was the "horrific roommate situation?"

I had her test for covid (negative) and also told her to have the Health Services test for strep as I know that is going around her school and her program. They looked at her and told her she was right, most likely sinus infection.

Roommate situation? Her now former roommates told her they were moving out, then I found out from the other moms (their moms, people - this situation was insane) their daughters' BS nonsense complaints about my child. Problems that absolutely could have been fixed by a sit down with the RA or even just a LITTLE communication by their kids with mine. The 2 others knew each other ahead of time and brought my kid in after meeting at orientation. My poor kid was so upset when they told her they wanted to move but gave her ZERO explanation as to why, she spun out a little. The situation got out of hand VERY quickly. I mean honestly, the entire thing went down over about 12 hours. My child spoke with the mental health person in student health but NO ONE from residence life was involved until my child went to the RD when these little snots just iced her out, still with ZERO explanation as to what was happening. By about midnight, a plan was already in place to move my daughter out. She's annoyed that SHE had to move when they were the ones who acted poorly, but she is currently living in a double with no roommate. Much nicer space and no roommate kicking my child out of her room the day after she was in the ER until 2 am so that roomie could have a quickie (daughter told me that little tidbit later)

Look, my kid is adjusting to being away from home. She trusts us and tells us a lot. It will get better. She is working on growing. She's had some crazy situations within just a few weeks. I have had some crazy stuff going on personally (including being rearended driving home from work on Monday), so by Tuesday, I was personally overwhelmed by everything. Yesterday and today are better. Yesterday she spoke with her father a couple times and gave me a break. Today we have been texting about packages that are coming her way, including her meds that the stupid mail-order pharmacy screwed up after I spent hours of my life making SURE they could mail them to her at school and giving them the school address that then arrived to our HOME address.

How about you stop judging by just one post on the internet and give kids away from home for the first time the benefit of the doubt?

[Anonymous]

Once a week or less, but our family has a group chat and she's on that. Mostly everyone uses that instead of texting individually unless it's a private issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hardly ever call but they do call at least once a week. To the texter who says goodnight every night, I would just wonder if that is too invasive---do they really need to be thinking about their parents every single night going to bed (or whatever they are doing?).

it is my DW who does that. She is struggling with being an empty nester and I expect it will taper off and then end after awhile. It has been 3 weeks,

[Anonymous]

College freshman really wants pictures of dog and home meals. I send him any internships that could interest him. It’s 85% text messages and he calls occasionally.

Only thing I’ve nagged about is getting a Covid vaccine. He was pretty knocked out the two times he had Covid, so he just needs to schedule a vaccine near him.

[Anonymous]

First dc is a junior in college. We never "required" anything. I think he needed to pull away when he first left home and we let him. Funny enough he has come around and texts and calls when something happens or he wants a check in. I assume my second child will be different, but I'll follow his lead. We don't demand "proof of life" or things that like. Not for us. I think you should do what feels comfortable. And remember love isn't total dependence.

[Anonymous]

My DD and I text several times a week and talk 1-3x a week depending on if there’s any tea to spill. She’ll also call me for 5 minutes on the way to class randomly. Unlike other posters we don’t require anything, we just want to stay connected. It works for us. I definitely haven’t gone weeks without contact though, that’s a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College freshman really wants pictures of dog and home meals. I send him any internships that could interest him. It’s 85% text messages and he calls occasionally.

Only thing I’ve nagged about is getting a Covid vaccine. He was pretty knocked out the two times he had Covid, so he just needs to schedule a vaccine near him.

We send pics of our pets a lot. My freshman talks to her little sister frequently and the little one tries to make sure the animals are FaceTiming with she and her sister It's very cute.

Yeah, I need my girl to go get her shots. I'll remind her again. She's been dealing with a lot.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a text once a week. Maybe. He's on full ROTC scholarship, so we don't have much leverage and he's busy.

[Anonymous]

Are most of your kids boys. I have a daughter and she and most of her friends call for a quick chat between classes etc. She also takes time to FT her siblings and will call her dad at least once a week. We are a close family and she is far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are most of your kids boys. I have a daughter and she and most of her friends call for a quick chat between classes etc. She also takes time to FT her siblings and will call her dad at least once a week. We are a close family and she is far away.

Mine is obsessed with when packages are arriving. And she calls to tell me what she got

[Anonymous]

We try for once a week, but not on a set schedule. We text each other interesting things we see or read, confirming travel plans, items needed, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are most of your kids boys. I have a daughter and she and most of her friends call for a quick chat between classes etc. She also takes time to FT her siblings and will call her dad at least once a week. We are a close family and she is far away.

Same for my daughter