7 yo who hurts parent to express anger

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP. I think ignoring the behavior is crap advice. That’s ABA stuff. It assumes he’s doing it for attention, when attention is only one of many many reasons he could be doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your child is fine at school, and venomous toward you at ho.e that's what I used to call it), it's because he feels safe with you, and has held it together, held it in all day at school and then let's it all go with you at home. While that doesn't make it easier, I hope it makes you feel just a little bit better. Mine was the same way.

Calm from you, try not to react. And just say something along the lines of, "when your ready to treat me with respect, we can play together (or read or make a snack or whatever). And walk away/disengage.

Or…if your kid is fine at school and not hitting anyone, it may also be because they understand the boundaries and consequences at school, they respect their teachers and know they can get away with it with mom.

I get that kids feel safe at home, but dismissing hitting as okay because it’s his safe place is absolutely detrimental to that child and is not teaching them how to manage their big feelings appropriately. The home behavior will spill into school and you’ll have bigger trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He “ won’t engage” with a therapist?
What does this mean?

Will not talk, shuts down, gets silly. She said it can be hard with kids this age (or any age) in that they sniff out what you’re trying to do and if they don’t want to talk about feelings or whatever they just won’t. After a couple sessions she said it wouldn’t help him for him to directly have therapy (vs parent coaching for me) if he won’t engage.

Parent coaching is great, but I’m puzzled the therapist said that. Kids of 7 usually have play based therapy because it is unusual for them to participate in talk therapy like an adult. I would look for another therapist for your child.

She tried all sorts of play (from things like playing the game sorry (which he loves) and each getting to ask each other questions when they drew certain cards. The minute she started to touch even directionally on feeling type things he shut down and turned silly….to art which he loves generally). Kids this age (or at least my kid) can generally pick up when someone is nudging them towards areas that make them uncomfortable. I think she was quite good generally and she specializes in kids behavior, but he wasn’t having it even as play therapy

That is still not how play therapy is supposed to work. Being questioned or pushed to talk about the feelings because you lost during Sorry is not play therapy. Play therapy involves very subtle guidance by the therapist as the child leads play. As you look for a new therapist, ask directly what play therapy looks like, what guidelines they follow, etc. I am saying this not to criticise you, but to help you find a better therapist.

My son hurt me too, albeit at an older age. One question I have is how your husband treats you in front of your son. Is he respectful? I don’t mean just what we might think of as abuse, but does he condescend, override your decisions or agreements, just generally disrespect you?

[Anonymous]

OP I have two kids who have struggled with this in different ways. One also had behavioral issues at school (not physical thank goodness) but the other was an angel at school and would fall apart and behave terribly for me. The oldest has ADHD and we did parent management training with Alvlord Baker. It was $$$ but honestly worked wonders for our family.

In a nutshell, you reward positive behavior, ignore most negative behaviors but certain levels of behavior like physical aggression get an immediate consequence. I found this to be a really clear way of communicating how problematic some behaviors are. I also demanded (like line in the sand, would potentially divorce over this) that my husband participate because having two different approaches to parenting was really really not working for our family. One child would have major issues with him, much worse than me, the other seemed to take stuff out more on me. We BOTH needed to change and be more consistent too.

Honestly age helps a lot. My oldest is now 9 and this issue are largely in our rear view mirror now.

[Anonymous]

This is NOT necessarily a medical or neuro-psych issue. It might well not be either of those.

We got child some books by "Poppy" on expressing feelings and read those together. We worked through this as a family to teach that we use words to express anger, frustration, or whatever other emotions. It took several months, but DC eventually learned how to handle feelings appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP. I think ignoring the behavior is crap advice. That’s ABA stuff. It assumes he’s doing it for attention, when attention is only one of many many reasons he could be doing it.

+10.

[Anonymous]

OP said he is not hitting her, he is digging his chin into her when he is hugging her.

[Anonymous]

I would sit down with him when he is calm and briefly say that it hurts when he digs his chin into you and ask him if he wants to hurt you and if so, why? He is not understanding how much it hurts you, because he views you as very powerful, even though intellectually he knows it hurts. You can extend that to the fact that it hurts you emotionally. It is likely like he is having strong emotions and can’t acknowledge or express them. I would look for a male therapist and possibly a group therapy setting so that he is not the focus of all the therapy work, but is learning from the group experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP said he is not hitting her, he is digging his chin into her when he is hugging her.

I noticed that too. We really need OP to come back and tell us more about what his “hurting her” looks like. I was going to recommend The Explosive Child, but just doesnt sound like he’s doing these things during an explosive episode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

The initial advice I got was to ignore it to not give attention to negative behavior (it’s not like hitting that would be impossible to ignore, it’s things like slamming his body into mine when he walks by or digging his chin into me hard when I’m hugging him). That didn’t work. So now he does have immediate consequences that are significant to him. If it was that easy I wouldn’t be posting here. That’s why I’m asking for people who have btdt

OP, this isn't hurting you to express anger. Children his age have little sense of other peoples' physical boundaries and if he has ADHD, this is going to be a constant fight. When he hugs you appropriately or walks with you appropriately, praise him. Give him a sense of what is appropriate. Don't connect his physicality with anger. Giving him a consequence for digging his chin into you when he hugs you is really not appropriate and it's going to spiral on you.

He’s 7, not 2. He absolutely understands what he is doing and he is doing it purposefully for the reaction. I agree with positive reinforcement being important, but negative consequences are also fully appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

This is all completely false. But way to blame the mom.

How is it false? I have the unpleasant privilege of watching a 7 year old frequently attack his mom (verbally and physically). He doesn’t do it at school. He does it to his mom because he likes the reaction and knows she won’t actually do anything in response. I won’t say it’s “abusive” because that’s a silly thing to say about a 7 year old. But the fact that he doesn’t do it at school indeed shows he knows how to control himself when he knows there will be consequences. In OP’s case, the body-slamming and chin-digging sound deliberate, not a meltdown caused by other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP. I think ignoring the behavior is crap advice. That’s ABA stuff. It assumes he’s doing it for attention, when attention is only one of many many reasons he could be doing it.

Yes and no. Ignoring (or minimizing the response) can be one pretty powerful tool and it’s recommended by many types of therapists. But sometimes you also need to impose consequences. Ignoring works best for lower level behaviors, when you praise the small good and ignore the rest. For physical aggression like OP is describing you cannot actually ignore it, but responding with big drama can reinforce it for sure. So you impose the consequence but do it very calmly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have two kids who have struggled with this in different ways. One also had behavioral issues at school (not physical thank goodness) but the other was an angel at school and would fall apart and behave terribly for me. The oldest has ADHD and we did parent management training with Alvlord Baker. It was $$$ but honestly worked wonders for our family.

In a nutshell, you reward positive behavior, ignore most negative behaviors but certain levels of behavior like physical aggression get an immediate consequence. I found this to be a really clear way of communicating how problematic some behaviors are. I also demanded (like line in the sand, would potentially divorce over this) that my husband participate because having two different approaches to parenting was really really not working for our family. One child would have major issues with him, much worse than me, the other seemed to take stuff out more on me. We BOTH needed to change and be more consistent too.

Honestly age helps a lot. My oldest is now 9 and this issue are largely in our rear view mirror now.

+100 good job mom. The $$ we spent on similar quality parenting therapy was the best we ever spent. My kid is now 12 and I still use what I learned every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP said he is not hitting her, he is digging his chin into her when he is hugging her.

… which means he’s deliberately doing it to hurt her, not hitting out of frustration or anger.

[Anonymous]

Op here - I think some others have responded in ways that sound like they could be OP and it’s gotten confusing.

He doesn’t hit / punch etc, but definitely intentionally does things that are meant to hurt (slams into me when walking by, pinches when trying to grab something from me, pushes hard on my leg or something pretending he’s just lightly using it to get up). He does this when he’s pissed off - mad I’m asking him to do something or telling him to stop doing something, not just when he’s over excited and a little too wild

He does not see anything beyond usual bickering between dh and me. Dh and I are not always on the same page for parenting but he travels a ton for work so parenting is largely left to me either way. I agree with pp we would ideally be on exact same page

I appreciate hearing the stories from those of you that have seen improvement with age and the strategies you’ve tried. I’ll look up the few specific resources mentioned