7 yo who hurts parent to express anger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A colleague experienced this from her son when he was similar age. No neuropsych issues. No family upheaval happening like divorce or marital discord. What finally stopped him pushing or hitting his mom was her husband pinning the child to the sofa and explaining clearly that physical aggression against women was completely unacceptable. That's counter to modern parenting principles of no physicality no matter what, but sometimes physical restraint (not hitting) is warranted and can be the fastest way to halting that behavior.

I’m not sure I can cosign being rough with the kid, but I have definitely seen very mild and ineffective reactions to child aggression that do no good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

I respectfully disagree. The 7 year is a child. He hasn't yet learned how to manage all his feelings and he likely feels most comfortable letting it all out on "mom".
Don't respond with consequences or withholding. Give more love, more special time.

7 is old enough to learn that there are consequences for hitting. The kid is 7, not 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

The initial advice I got was to ignore it to not give attention to negative behavior (it’s not like hitting that would be impossible to ignore, it’s things like slamming his body into mine when he walks by or digging his chin into me hard when I’m hugging him). That didn’t work. So now he does have immediate consequences that are significant to him. If it was that easy I wouldn’t be posting here. That’s why I’m asking for people who have btdt

You need a plan set up with a behavioral psychologist.

[Anonymous]

My kid is 4, but will try and hit me. I take both of his wrists in my hand. And I calmly say that I do not hit him and he will not hit me.

I hold his wrists until he agrees to stop hitting.

My kid is also a crasher and a digger with the chin. I get up immediately and walk away and say "you will not do that to me."

The question here is leveling this up for a slightly older kid. My oldest kid was similar to this too (genetics seriously). I used to redirect edgy energy into leaning into each others hands, like bracing each other to see who was "stronger."

I'm not sure I'm describing it well but that kid is now much older and a million times better than he was at 7. So I think it worked.

[Anonymous]

Op you are not alone. My 7yo sometimes hits me (mom, hardly ever dad). It’s getting better as he has learned to control his emotions better. I have held him down, punished, yelled, spoken gently, ignored. I don’t think anything really worked but time.

[Anonymous]

What were the “mild” things? How long ago was the neuropsych?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What were the “mild” things? How long ago was the neuropsych?

1.5 years ago, mild anxiety, some social pragmatic communication but the neuropsych said not enough to raise flags given the norm currently for kids who went to preschool in masks and spread out (and therefore didn’t learn all the non verbal communication the way they typically would), some executive function but neuropsych said mild and that expecting 5yos to have exec function is kind of silly. Im not anti adhd diagnosis, I was actually hoping for it bc he’s been a tough kid since he was 2. highly / profoundly gifted (I hate the terms, just saying it bc it’s not like typical gifted), definitely not asd. I have another neuropsych scheduled for the winter bc i just really want there to be some addressable root cause of his intense feelings, but overall it sounds like a dx is unlikely given he’s not showing any problems at all outside of the home and everyone reports him being always happy and perfectly behaved

[Anonymous]

If your child is fine at school, and venomous toward you at ho.e that's what I used to call it), it's because he feels safe with you, and has held it together, held it in all day at school and then let's it all go with you at home. While that doesn't make it easier, I hope it makes you feel just a little bit better. Mine was the same way.

Calm from you, try not to react. And just say something along the lines of, "when your ready to treat me with respect, we can play together (or read or make a snack or whatever). And walk away/disengage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He “ won’t engage” with a therapist?
What does this mean?

Will not talk, shuts down, gets silly. She said it can be hard with kids this age (or any age) in that they sniff out what you’re trying to do and if they don’t want to talk about feelings or whatever they just won’t. After a couple sessions she said it wouldn’t help him for him to directly have therapy (vs parent coaching for me) if he won’t engage.

Parent coaching is great, but I’m puzzled the therapist said that. Kids of 7 usually have play based therapy because it is unusual for them to participate in talk therapy like an adult. I would look for another therapist for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He “ won’t engage” with a therapist?
What does this mean?

Will not talk, shuts down, gets silly. She said it can be hard with kids this age (or any age) in that they sniff out what you’re trying to do and if they don’t want to talk about feelings or whatever they just won’t. After a couple sessions she said it wouldn’t help him for him to directly have therapy (vs parent coaching for me) if he won’t engage.

Parent coaching is great, but I’m puzzled the therapist said that. Kids of 7 usually have play based therapy because it is unusual for them to participate in talk therapy like an adult. I would look for another therapist for your child.

She tried all sorts of play (from things like playing the game sorry (which he loves) and each getting to ask each other questions when they drew certain cards. The minute she started to touch even directionally on feeling type things he shut down and turned silly….to art which he loves generally). Kids this age (or at least my kid) can generally pick up when someone is nudging them towards areas that make them uncomfortable. I think she was quite good generally and she specializes in kids behavior, but he wasn’t having it even as play therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He “ won’t engage” with a therapist?
What does this mean?

Will not talk, shuts down, gets silly. She said it can be hard with kids this age (or any age) in that they sniff out what you’re trying to do and if they don’t want to talk about feelings or whatever they just won’t. After a couple sessions she said it wouldn’t help him for him to directly have therapy (vs parent coaching for me) if he won’t engage.

Parent coaching is great, but I’m puzzled the therapist said that. Kids of 7 usually have play based therapy because it is unusual for them to participate in talk therapy like an adult. I would look for another therapist for your child.

She tried all sorts of play (from things like playing the game sorry (which he loves) and each getting to ask each other questions when they drew certain cards. The minute she started to touch even directionally on feeling type things he shut down and turned silly….to art which he loves generally). Kids this age (or at least my kid) can generally pick up when someone is nudging them towards areas that make them uncomfortable. I think she was quite good generally and she specializes in kids behavior, but he wasn’t having it even as play therapy

Adding - I’m not saying I won’t try another therapist, I’ve been asking around for suggestions of a different once, just clarifying it wasn’t talk therapy. He was willing to engage in the play but was very aware once it was just casual play and would not allow it to head in any meaningful direction

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to sympathize. I also have a tough kid who takes it out on me (mom) and I feel judged a ton by people with easy compliant children. Mine is also gifted and no diagnoses. You are doing great. As for strategies when there is an outburst there is not much that can be done in the moment except to try to lower the temperature. We have had some success with the strategies in the book “the explosive child”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

The initial advice I got was to ignore it to not give attention to negative behavior (it’s not like hitting that would be impossible to ignore, it’s things like slamming his body into mine when he walks by or digging his chin into me hard when I’m hugging him). That didn’t work. So now he does have immediate consequences that are significant to him. If it was that easy I wouldn’t be posting here. That’s why I’m asking for people who have btdt

OP, this isn't hurting you to express anger. Children his age have little sense of other peoples' physical boundaries and if he has ADHD, this is going to be a constant fight. When he hugs you appropriately or walks with you appropriately, praise him. Give him a sense of what is appropriate. Don't connect his physicality with anger. Giving him a consequence for digging his chin into you when he hugs you is really not appropriate and it's going to spiral on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

This is all completely false. But way to blame the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

The initial advice I got was to ignore it to not give attention to negative behavior (it’s not like hitting that would be impossible to ignore, it’s things like slamming his body into mine when he walks by or digging his chin into me hard when I’m hugging him). That didn’t work. So now he does have immediate consequences that are significant to him. If it was that easy I wouldn’t be posting here. That’s why I’m asking for people who have btdt

I think we need more details here. He’s not hurting you out of aggression or anger? What is the root cause? You said it’s things like slamming his body into you or digging his chin into you. Is he trying to get more sensory input? Is he having trouble with impulse control? We need to understand the “why” to solve this.