7 yo who hurts parent to express anger

[Anonymous]

If you’ve had a child do this please tell me how you addressed this. He has had a neuropsych with some various mild things but no specific big dx. He will not engage with a therapist - I do speak to a child psych for strategies but am interested in hearing others

He does not have any problems at all with school or friends. If you haven’t been in this situation please don’t say “I would not allow it” - it isn’t helpful….you think I “allow” it?

[Anonymous]

Is it directed at mom, dad or both?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it directed at mom, dad or both?

Mom 100%. I’m by far primary care giver. There is no physical aggression by any adults (spanking him, dv, etc)

[Anonymous]

He “ won’t engage” with a therapist?
What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

You will get more helpful responses in the special needs section.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He “ won’t engage” with a therapist?
What does this mean?

Will not talk, shuts down, gets silly. She said it can be hard with kids this age (or any age) in that they sniff out what you’re trying to do and if they don’t want to talk about feelings or whatever they just won’t. After a couple sessions she said it wouldn’t help him for him to directly have therapy (vs parent coaching for me) if he won’t engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He “ won’t engage” with a therapist?
What does this mean?

Will not talk, shuts down, gets silly. She said it can be hard with kids this age (or any age) in that they sniff out what you’re trying to do and if they don’t want to talk about feelings or whatever they just won’t. After a couple sessions she said it wouldn’t help him for him to directly have therapy (vs parent coaching for me) if he won’t engage.

Parent coaching sounds like a great idea. You need new skills to respond and, eventually, teach him to handle frustration differently. Did the neuropsych give any recommendations?

For parenting skills, Dr. Dan Shapiro's class is excellent for kids for whom "regular" parenting techniques aren't enough. https://www.parentchildjourney.com/

[Anonymous]

A colleague experienced this from her son when he was similar age. No neuropsych issues. No family upheaval happening like divorce or marital discord. What finally stopped him pushing or hitting his mom was her husband pinning the child to the sofa and explaining clearly that physical aggression against women was completely unacceptable. That's counter to modern parenting principles of no physicality no matter what, but sometimes physical restraint (not hitting) is warranted and can be the fastest way to halting that behavior.

[Anonymous]

If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

[Anonymous]

Are there any family changes that have happened of are happening? ( new baby, moving soon or moved recently)?

My son was having outbursts of aggression, but was 5 at the time, due to new baby sister. It lasted almost 6 months to a year. Just kept responding back firm but with love. Tried ways to let him know I love him no matter what and did special 1:1 things with him. But it was hard to manage his emotions during this phase, slowly things tempered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

I respectfully disagree. The 7 year is a child. He hasn't yet learned how to manage all his feelings and he likely feels most comfortable letting it all out on "mom".
Don't respond with consequences or withholding. Give more love, more special time.

[Anonymous]

Well fine but figure out how not to get hurt. How to avoid being hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he isn’t doing this at school, then you are allowing it. This is ridiculous that your child is physically hurting you and he is getting away with it. He is not doing this at school presumably because he’s aware it wouldn’t fly in that setting. There needs to be immediate consequences tied to this behavior in your home. This honestly is a type of domestic violence. You are the victim. Put a stop to this with consequences.

The initial advice I got was to ignore it to not give attention to negative behavior (it’s not like hitting that would be impossible to ignore, it’s things like slamming his body into mine when he walks by or digging his chin into me hard when I’m hugging him). That didn’t work. So now he does have immediate consequences that are significant to him. If it was that easy I wouldn’t be posting here. That’s why I’m asking for people who have btdt

[Anonymous]

Well you do allow it if you don’t impose a consequence every single time.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a solution, but I have the exact same situation with my 8yo daughter. She has an anxiety diagnosis and has some characteristics of autism but didn’t meet the criteria for the diagnosis. It’s just me, not her dad. I also tried ignoring. I’ve tried immediate consequences, and it helps a little in the moment but as soon as she is upset, she doesn’t remember in that moment, and it happens again.