DC siding with abuser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having been raised in an unhappy family and from what I see now as an adult, I think that the vast majority of time, both parents are problematic. There isn't one good parent and one bad parent. Maybe one parent is less shi**y than then other but they both have flaws and lack the insight to minimize damage to the kids.

Exactly. I’m the poster who at age 50 that can look back and see that perhaps my mom really was weighing her choices carefully and doing her best. But her decision to stay was also based on her own messiness that led to a bunch of toxic nonsense from her also. It certainly didn’t feel like she was carefully considering er children. And she was a fabulous mom in many ways. But man, I hate looking back at how we were in the middle of their nonsense.

I begged to be able to live with my grandmother my last two years of high school to get away from BOTH of them, but they would not let me. As soon as I graduated college, I moved to NYC and saw them for just a few days at Xmas and thanksgiving. I was “gray rocking” then decades before I knew the term.

If you knew anything about the U.S. family court system you’d know that your abusive spouse will be right there abusing you via your children or more, once divorced and 50/50 coparenting.

Well of course I’m aware of that in my 50s, but your average teen isn’t going to get it. That is why I said that perhaps my mom was weighing her options and making what seemed like the best choice. But, it wasn’t the best choice when she lost her shit over the jelly jar not being put back on and would tell me and my sisters “that’s it, I’m calling the lawyer and divorcing” and then, not doing that. Or getting tipsy and crying to us about the toxic wasteland of her marriage. She was a mess, and it impacted us. And I generally agree with the view that a lot of times both partners are a mess and this is why kids don’t always “choose the right side.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having been raised in an unhappy family and from what I see now as an adult, I think that the vast majority of time, both parents are problematic. There isn't one good parent and one bad parent. Maybe one parent is less shi**y than then other but they both have flaws and lack the insight to minimize damage to the kids.

Exactly. I’m the poster who at age 50 that can look back and see that perhaps my mom really was weighing her choices carefully and doing her best. But her decision to stay was also based on her own messiness that led to a bunch of toxic nonsense from her also. It certainly didn’t feel like she was carefully considering er children. And she was a fabulous mom in many ways. But man, I hate looking back at how we were in the middle of their nonsense.

I begged to be able to live with my grandmother my last two years of high school to get away from BOTH of them, but they would not let me. As soon as I graduated college, I moved to NYC and saw them for just a few days at Xmas and thanksgiving. I was “gray rocking” then decades before I knew the term.

If you knew anything about the U.S. family court system you’d know that your abusive spouse will be right there abusing you via your children or more, once divorced and 50/50 coparenting.

Well of course I’m aware of that in my 50s, but your average teen isn’t going to get it. That is why I said that perhaps my mom was weighing her options and making what seemed like the best choice. But, it wasn’t the best choice when she lost her shit over the jelly jar not being put back on and would tell me and my sisters “that’s it, I’m calling the lawyer and divorcing” and then, not doing that. Or getting tipsy and crying to us about the toxic wasteland of her marriage. She was a mess, and it impacted us. And I generally agree with the view that a lot of times both partners are a mess and this is why kids don’t always “choose the right side.”

Not sure how frequenting she was breaking down like that but lots of parents flip their kid once in awhile at bad luck or their own spouse or their kid.
The key is to talk it out.
A mom saying sometimes that she’s in a bad marriage is better than not saying anything. Or did you go on to marry someone like your father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or you're the bad guy and you don't realize it.

Both parents suck in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does a DC side with a dad who is verbally abusive to the mom? I don’t understand it and am devastated.

Sounds like you are a bully and equally abusive. There is clearly more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does a DC side with a dad who is verbally abusive to the mom? I don’t understand it and am devastated.

Sounds like you are a bully and equally abusive. There is clearly more to the story.

If he's a big bully, ie power, or high income, or super fun PLUS bad mouthing the mom (ie parental alienation), then yes, I can see how a child would wrongfully go along with whatever abusive dad says or does.

[Anonymous]

Dad is modelling that Mom is a stupid, weak idiot who isn't worthy of respect. Kid brains don't want to believe that their parent is abusive, so it's more logical to them to think that Mom is just worthless and dumb. Please talk to a therapist who specializes in abuse. Your kids being turned against you is far worse than leaving them alone with Dad some of the time.

[Anonymous]

Because kids are scared and vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

The kid is probably confused, scared, and "siding with" whoever they think they need to in order to be safest (physically & emotionally). I grew up with a dad who physically abused me & verbally/emotionally abused my mother in front of me (in hindsight I think he likely physically abused her too). I hated him. I am now no contact with him. But at the time I recall sometimes "siding with" him ... so that the rest of the day and that night would be slightly less awful for me, and because if I stood up for my mom instead she was likely to tell me off for disrespecting my father instead of appreciating it and standing up to him.

In a situation where kids are witnessing one parent abuse the other -- especially if the kid is getting dragged in and expected to take sides-- the family dynamics are very messed up for everyone. It is bad for the parent being abused, and bad for the kid. OP, is there any way to get at least yourself and the kid into family therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having been raised in an unhappy family and from what I see now as an adult, I think that the vast majority of time, both parents are problematic. There isn't one good parent and one bad parent. Maybe one parent is less shi**y than then other but they both have flaws and lack the insight to minimize damage to the kids.

Exactly. I’m the poster who at age 50 that can look back and see that perhaps my mom really was weighing her choices carefully and doing her best. But her decision to stay was also based on her own messiness that led to a bunch of toxic nonsense from her also. It certainly didn’t feel like she was carefully considering er children. And she was a fabulous mom in many ways. But man, I hate looking back at how we were in the middle of their nonsense.

I begged to be able to live with my grandmother my last two years of high school to get away from BOTH of them, but they would not let me. As soon as I graduated college, I moved to NYC and saw them for just a few days at Xmas and thanksgiving. I was “gray rocking” then decades before I knew the term.

If you knew anything about the U.S. family court system you’d know that your abusive spouse will be right there abusing you via your children or more, once divorced and 50/50 coparenting.

Well of course I’m aware of that in my 50s, but your average teen isn’t going to get it. That is why I said that perhaps my mom was weighing her options and making what seemed like the best choice. But, it wasn’t the best choice when she lost her shit over the jelly jar not being put back on and would tell me and my sisters “that’s it, I’m calling the lawyer and divorcing” and then, not doing that. Or getting tipsy and crying to us about the toxic wasteland of her marriage. She was a mess, and it impacted us. And I generally agree with the view that a lot of times both partners are a mess and this is why kids don’t always “choose the right side.”

Not sure how frequenting she was breaking down like that but lots of parents flip their kid once in awhile at bad luck or their own spouse or their kid.
The key is to talk it out.
A mom saying sometimes that she’s in a bad marriage is better than not saying anything. Or did you go on to marry someone like your father?

No, I married someone very different than my father. I was sort of lucky because my parent’s marriage didn’t really turn into a complete toxic wasteland until I was 16 for a bunch of complicated reasons. My younger sisters definitely have many greater challenges because they lived with this for many more years.

The OP asked why a child might side with an abuser. Lots of responders who lived through this as kids are giving potential reasons why. I said initially that I never “sided” with my dad and my mom would have perceived her daughters as on her side. And that was somewhat true, but we also felt betrayed by our mom for not helping us get out of something terrible. And I am certain that my mom didn’t handle this well at all with us — she went from her alcoholic father who mistreated her to my alcoholic dad who mistreated her. She wasn’t talking about this in some effective way with us that was helpful. She let him drive us around drunk so the idea we more protected because she was in the house may or may not have been true. From my perspective, I think it is unlikely my dad would have taken any real custody of us — but perhaps her fear was he would. I don’t know. I wasn’t in her head.

Our house was full of sick secrets to protect my dad who was a well loved local celebrity that people LOVED (other than those of us who lived with him). It was a mess. My mom is dead, and I think I have a reasonably balanced view of her parenting. She did some things well, but her lack of self esteem created major issues. She needed therapy and probably meds. My dad is alive and I am very, very low contact. I didn’t “choose” him. I am fully aware he is a terrible person.