DC siding with abuser

[Anonymous]

Why does a DC side with a dad who is verbally abusive to the mom? I don’t understand it and am devastated.

[Anonymous]

Why are you putting your child in this uncomfortable position of “picking sides”? Grow up. You are the adult. I’m sorry if your ex husband or whatever was rude or verbally abusive but please leave your daughter out of it.

[Anonymous]

It’s a trauma response of your kid and a bit or Stockholm syndrome. Often times they feel loved unconditionally by you and not unconditionally loved by the abuser. They seemingly take the abusers side bc they are still seeking that love and approval from them.

[Anonymous]

This isn't uncommon at all. Like PP said, it is a trauma response. He wants his approval. He wants his dad to love him and thinks that by supporting him, he will get that love. And depending on how long he's witnessed this abuse, he likely thinks that if he takes your side, dad will act like that towards him.

I can understand being devastated, but I think you need to understand that your kid is just another victim of your ex husband. As he gets older, he will realize that his dad is a POS. I hope you are able to get some therapy OP.

[Anonymous]

Or you're the bad guy and you don't realize it.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I can't imagine how hurtful that is. My husband is verbally abusive and my kids and I act like a team to back each other up when he starts on one of us.

I know a girl who sided with her father when he made mean remarks to her mother. In that situation, it was because the mother had severe anxiety issues, and didn't know how to fight back effectively and communicate her side of things (even though she is ivy-educated and very intelligent).

The interesting thing, though, is that daughter grew up and matured and is now much kinder to her mother. The two have reconnected. But it was really hard during all her adolescence.

Don't stay silent, OP. Take your child apart and explain how people should treat other.

[Anonymous]

My dad was verbally abusive to all of us, and physically abusive to us kids, never our mom. My mom was the queen of being passive-aggressive, loved to play victim and a huge martyr, and it was annoying AF and sometimes I really DID side with my dad's verbal abuse because she frustrated the hell out of me too, and I kind of felt like she deserved it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you triangulate.

Get some help, you are damaging your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was verbally abusive to all of us, and physically abusive to us kids, never our mom. My mom was the queen of being passive-aggressive, loved to play victim and a huge martyr, and it was annoying AF and sometimes I really DID side with my dad's verbal abuse because she frustrated the hell out of me too, and I kind of felt like she deserved it.

I could have written this. I was mad at my mom for how she acted towards me, mad at how she acted towards my dad in ways that often made him angry (I did not agree with how he acted when he was angry but I understood why he was angry), mad at her for not leaving him so my siblings and I had to deal with the dysfunction. I was mad at my dad too, but for different reasons and was less able to show it because he was more likely to hit me or chase me out of the house. They are still together. It's better but not good. I see them rarely and always with a plan to leave if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I can't imagine how hurtful that is. My husband is verbally abusive and my kids and I act like a team to back each other up when he starts on one of us.

I know a girl who sided with her father when he made mean remarks to her mother. In that situation, it was because the mother had severe anxiety issues, and didn't know how to fight back effectively and communicate her side of things (even though she is ivy-educated and very intelligent).

The interesting thing, though, is that daughter grew up and matured and is now much kinder to her mother. The two have reconnected. But it was really hard during all her adolescence.

Don't stay silent, OP. Take your child apart and explain how people should treat other.

What a horrible position to put your kids in. You make them live with an abuser and expect them to go against him to protect you. Don't be surprised if they resent that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I can't imagine how hurtful that is. My husband is verbally abusive and my kids and I act like a team to back each other up when he starts on one of us.

I know a girl who sided with her father when he made mean remarks to her mother. In that situation, it was because the mother had severe anxiety issues, and didn't know how to fight back effectively and communicate her side of things (even though she is ivy-educated and very intelligent).

The interesting thing, though, is that daughter grew up and matured and is now much kinder to her mother. The two have reconnected. But it was really hard during all her adolescence.

Don't stay silent, OP. Take your child apart and explain how people should treat other.

What a horrible position to put your kids in. You make them live with an abuser and expect them to go against him to protect you. Don't be surprised if they resent that.

SHAME ON YOU. You don't know my situation or that of my kids. Don't you dare judge my choices. And FYI, my teens are now 19 and 14 and support me 100%.

You absolute worm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I can't imagine how hurtful that is. My husband is verbally abusive and my kids and I act like a team to back each other up when he starts on one of us.

I know a girl who sided with her father when he made mean remarks to her mother. In that situation, it was because the mother had severe anxiety issues, and didn't know how to fight back effectively and communicate her side of things (even though she is ivy-educated and very intelligent).

The interesting thing, though, is that daughter grew up and matured and is now much kinder to her mother. The two have reconnected. But it was really hard during all her adolescence.

Don't stay silent, OP. Take your child apart and explain how people should treat other.

What a horrible position to put your kids in. You make them live with an abuser and expect them to go against him to protect you. Don't be surprised if they resent that.

SHAME ON YOU. You don't know my situation or that of my kids. Don't you dare judge my choices. And FYI, my teens are now 19 and 14 and support me 100%.

You absolute worm.

You can yell at people all you want. If you’re in such a bad situation leave. Don’t use your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I can't imagine how hurtful that is. My husband is verbally abusive and my kids and I act like a team to back each other up when he starts on one of us.

I know a girl who sided with her father when he made mean remarks to her mother. In that situation, it was because the mother had severe anxiety issues, and didn't know how to fight back effectively and communicate her side of things (even though she is ivy-educated and very intelligent).

The interesting thing, though, is that daughter grew up and matured and is now much kinder to her mother. The two have reconnected. But it was really hard during all her adolescence.

Don't stay silent, OP. Take your child apart and explain how people should treat other.

What a horrible position to put your kids in. You make them live with an abuser and expect them to go against him to protect you. Don't be surprised if they resent that.

SHAME ON YOU. You don't know my situation or that of my kids. Don't you dare judge my choices. And FYI, my teens are now 19 and 14 and support me 100%.

You absolute worm.

You are the one who described her husband as abusive and dared to tell op what to do with her child, as if she would have never told them how to treat others until you suggested it. Your kids will have to live with how they were treated, your inability or unwillingness to change the situation, how you were treated, and that despite their efforts to act as a team, they couldn't stop the abuse. Those are hard things to cope with. I hope they are able to build healthier living environments for themselves in the future, with all the help they need to do so. And I hope that if they come to you with regrets about their experiences that you are able to respond with compassion rather than defensiveness and name-calling.

[Anonymous]

Well, I don’t think I supported my dad’s verbal abuse, but I did lose a ton of respect for my mom who stayed. She also would not address the actual issues and instead would lose her mind over the jelly jar not being put back on. It wasn’t a good look. She also dragged us into it with “I’m going to leave him this time” nonsense and she never left.

I’m sorry this is happening to you, but there are many reasons kids go along with this stuff. The reality is your kids are going to judge you hard. Now in my 50s, I can see that perhaps my mom was making a lot of trade offs to stay that maybe benefited me. I will never know since I cannot do a controlled study where I live two lives where she left and stayed to see which was better for me. She certainly exhibited a ton of inappropriate behavior herself in the chaos of the terrible dynamic they had. It was a mess that I hope to never replicate for my kids.

My mom is dead and I don’t have tons of fond memories when I think back even though she did many of the “right” things too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was verbally abusive to all of us, and physically abusive to us kids, never our mom. My mom was the queen of being passive-aggressive, loved to play victim and a huge martyr, and it was annoying AF and sometimes I really DID side with my dad's verbal abuse because she frustrated the hell out of me too, and I kind of felt like she deserved it.

Sounds like she was an actual victim. Not playing a victim.

Hope you have a good marriage.