DC siding with abuser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a trauma response of your kid and a bit or Stockholm syndrome. Often times they feel loved unconditionally by you and not unconditionally loved by the abuser. They seemingly take the abusers side bc they are still seeking that love and approval from them.

+1 they don’t want to be the target, and they are still socialized to believe each of their parents is always thinking about and caring for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or you're the bad guy and you don't realize it.

+1

There's three sides to every story.

OP should take a step back and re-assess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I can't imagine how hurtful that is. My husband is verbally abusive and my kids and I act like a team to back each other up when he starts on one of us.

I know a girl who sided with her father when he made mean remarks to her mother. In that situation, it was because the mother had severe anxiety issues, and didn't know how to fight back effectively and communicate her side of things (even though she is ivy-educated and very intelligent).

The interesting thing, though, is that daughter grew up and matured and is now much kinder to her mother. The two have reconnected. But it was really hard during all her adolescence.

Don't stay silent, OP. Take your child apart and explain how people should treat other.

What a horrible position to put your kids in. You make them live with an abuser and expect them to go against him to protect you. Don't be surprised if they resent that.

SHAME ON YOU. You don't know my situation or that of my kids. Don't you dare judge my choices. And FYI, my teens are now 19 and 14 and support me 100%.

You absolute worm.

FWIW, I agree that its crappy to use your kids like that.

But dang, calling someone an "absolute worm" is a GREAT insult. Well done.

Even though, yeah, shame on you for the abuser response. But well done on the insults!

[Anonymous]

Poor kid. He is supposed to come first. He is not, and now you are now the bad guy also.
I have been in such position twice. I left both times as it got so bad for everyone -mentally and physically.
I removed myself completely from even seeing the abusers and my kids. Not seeing my kids was not my choice. It was extremely hard but necessary.
All worked out without me blaming the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you triangulate.

Get some help, you are damaging your child.

+1000

You are an ADULT, he is a CHILD. You are on the verge of screwing this kid up massively, OP, if you don't learn how to handle this as an adult and a mother should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was verbally abusive to all of us, and physically abusive to us kids, never our mom. My mom was the queen of being passive-aggressive, loved to play victim and a huge martyr, and it was annoying AF and sometimes I really DID side with my dad's verbal abuse because she frustrated the hell out of me too, and I kind of felt like she deserved it.

How lovely.

This thread is proof positive that women get no fair shakes.

[Anonymous]

Their frontal lobes are not thoroughly formed. They have not been to therapy. How can you expect them to act like an adult would who has processed and been through therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was verbally abusive to all of us, and physically abusive to us kids, never our mom. My mom was the queen of being passive-aggressive, loved to play victim and a huge martyr, and it was annoying AF and sometimes I really DID side with my dad's verbal abuse because she frustrated the hell out of me too, and I kind of felt like she deserved it.

Same. I raged inside when my mom didn't stand up for me or herself. Now, as an adult, she constantly wants to vent about him to me, and I just can't. I finally asked her not to speak about my father to me anymore, and she stopped. I have a separate relationship with both of them now. They don't talk about each other to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was verbally abusive to all of us, and physically abusive to us kids, never our mom. My mom was the queen of being passive-aggressive, loved to play victim and a huge martyr, and it was annoying AF and sometimes I really DID side with my dad's verbal abuse because she frustrated the hell out of me too, and I kind of felt like she deserved it.

Same. I raged inside when my mom didn't stand up for me or herself. Now, as an adult, she constantly wants to vent about him to me, and I just can't. I finally asked her not to speak about my father to me anymore, and she stopped. I have a separate relationship with both of them now. They don't talk about each other to me.

Good.

But don’t think being married w kids or coparenting w an abuser or selfish narc is easy. All you have are bad options. So you pick the least bad bad option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was verbally abusive to all of us, and physically abusive to us kids, never our mom. My mom was the queen of being passive-aggressive, loved to play victim and a huge martyr, and it was annoying AF and sometimes I really DID side with my dad's verbal abuse because she frustrated the hell out of me too, and I kind of felt like she deserved it.

How lovely.

This thread is proof positive that women get no fair shakes.

Oh, don't worry - my mom was verbally and emotionally abusive as hell too. She's no innocent victim in this family history, as much as she liked to pretend she was.

[Anonymous]

Having been raised in an unhappy family and from what I see now as an adult, I think that the vast majority of time, both parents are problematic. There isn't one good parent and one bad parent. Maybe one parent is less shi**y than then other but they both have flaws and lack the insight to minimize damage to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I can't imagine how hurtful that is. My husband is verbally abusive and my kids and I act like a team to back each other up when he starts on one of us.

I know a girl who sided with her father when he made mean remarks to her mother. In that situation, it was because the mother had severe anxiety issues, and didn't know how to fight back effectively and communicate her side of things (even though she is ivy-educated and very intelligent).

The interesting thing, though, is that daughter grew up and matured and is now much kinder to her mother. The two have reconnected. But it was really hard during all her adolescence.

Don't stay silent, OP. Take your child apart and explain how people should treat other.

What a horrible position to put your kids in. You make them live with an abuser and expect them to go against him to protect you. Don't be surprised if they resent that.

SHAME ON YOU. You don't know my situation or that of my kids. Don't you dare judge my choices. And FYI, my teens are now 19 and 14 and support me 100%.

You absolute worm.

FWIW, I agree that its crappy to use your kids like that.

But dang, calling someone an "absolute worm" is a GREAT insult. Well done.

Even though, yeah, shame on you for the abuser response. But well done on the insults!

I thought it sounded stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been raised in an unhappy family and from what I see now as an adult, I think that the vast majority of time, both parents are problematic. There isn't one good parent and one bad parent. Maybe one parent is less shi**y than then other but they both have flaws and lack the insight to minimize damage to the kids.

Exactly. I’m the poster who at age 50 that can look back and see that perhaps my mom really was weighing her choices carefully and doing her best. But her decision to stay was also based on her own messiness that led to a bunch of toxic nonsense from her also. It certainly didn’t feel like she was carefully considering er children. And she was a fabulous mom in many ways. But man, I hate looking back at how we were in the middle of their nonsense.

I begged to be able to live with my grandmother my last two years of high school to get away from BOTH of them, but they would not let me. As soon as I graduated college, I moved to NYC and saw them for just a few days at Xmas and thanksgiving. I was “gray rocking” then decades before I knew the term.

[Anonymous]

OP and any battered women, read Lundy Bancroft. Very few people understand what you’re going through or how you can heal, protect yourself, protect your child. DCUM is not a good resource for you.

I’m sorry for your pain.

The one at the top of the list is fiction but the rest can be helpful for you.

https://lundybancroft.com/books/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having been raised in an unhappy family and from what I see now as an adult, I think that the vast majority of time, both parents are problematic. There isn't one good parent and one bad parent. Maybe one parent is less shi**y than then other but they both have flaws and lack the insight to minimize damage to the kids.

Exactly. I’m the poster who at age 50 that can look back and see that perhaps my mom really was weighing her choices carefully and doing her best. But her decision to stay was also based on her own messiness that led to a bunch of toxic nonsense from her also. It certainly didn’t feel like she was carefully considering er children. And she was a fabulous mom in many ways. But man, I hate looking back at how we were in the middle of their nonsense.

I begged to be able to live with my grandmother my last two years of high school to get away from BOTH of them, but they would not let me. As soon as I graduated college, I moved to NYC and saw them for just a few days at Xmas and thanksgiving. I was “gray rocking” then decades before I knew the term.

If you knew anything about the U.S. family court system you’d know that your abusive spouse will be right there abusing you via your children or more, once divorced and 50/50 coparenting.