Boundaries in a long term marriage

[Anonymous]

This isn't a boundaries issue. Boundaries are about time, place, amount, when, who, how, etc. They are not about someone treating you with love and consideration. If your partner won't do that, no boundary will make him do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have boundaries in our marriage that have evolved. We both want to stay married, so they've worked. There have been tears and threats in creating and enforcing them, especially around financial priorities and a fair division of parenting responsibilities.

Why are people using the term boundaries to cover any negotiation in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

In my best relationships with my closest friends, we both try to push our own boundaries to make the other person happy, and we both strive to respect the other person’s boundaries.
For example, I would never call a SAHM friend around school drop off time because I know she is busy, but if I needed to, I know she would answer. She didn’t have to tell me that or set some kind of boundary.

I think these are harder in a marriage. There are a lot of gender dynamics at play and there is a lot of fluidity and confusion about what roles both partners should have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

The bold is seriously abusive. There is no healthy way to stay in this kind of environment, particularly if you have children.

There may be an underlying physical or mental health cause (brain tumor? bipolar?), but that is unlikely.

Way more likely that your abuser has been increasing boundary violations over time, slowing testing how much he can manipulate you via "coercive control" (google it). Some abusers don't get really abusive until their victim is firmly locked down by mortgage and kids and feelings of love and family obligation and thus less likely to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

Leave. Boundaries won't do a thing in a situation like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always read that you have to set boundaries in your relationship, when you want to be treated with respect and decency. How do you do this if the other spouse continually disrespects you and treats you like garbage. The only consequence you have left is to get a divorce?

You take enough time dating and cohabiting to make sure you two are compatible and capable of respecting boundaries.

This response is unhelpful and misses the point. This is about boundaries in a marriage, specifically with children. Dating and cohabiting phase is over. The question wasn’t retrospective - what could have been done differently. It was forward looking - what can I do in this situation from NOW ON. Responders often get this wrong.

What changed? Did you spouse begin treating you differently after you had kids? Or start treating you differently recently? Or did you decide now that you have kids to witness the behavior that the way you are treated is unacceptable?

Boundaries are a tool used to regain control in a relationship that is not working. I disagree that marriage requires boundaries in order to be treated with respect. If you have to tell someone not to insult, belittle you, control you, cheat, etc. and that there will be consequences if they do - you are already in a pretty bad place. If you are married to someone who has to be told not to insult you, the issue is not the lack of an explicit boundary and asking for one is not going to make them respect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

“I won’t continue this conversation with you if you criticize and call me names. “
(He continues to yell)
“Ok I am going to walk away now and we can continue discussing this when you can speak to me respectfully”
Then walk away

If this continues and you truly cannot have a conversation with him without him calling you names and insulting you then time to look at more drastic measures for yourself such a leaving.

Do you have a therapist with a focus on abusive relationships and can coach you on scripts? This would probably be helpful

Yeah good luck with that. People here have no idea how these men operate.

What, are the men going to lock you in or restrain you? Either one is an escalation that is a dealbreaker for most people.

Einstein, what happens when you come home again after your so-impressive boundary setting? You think he magically is transformed like a trained animal? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always read that you have to set boundaries in your relationship, when you want to be treated with respect and decency. How do you do this if the other spouse continually disrespects you and treats you like garbage. The only consequence you have left is to get a divorce?

Yup.

Either divorce or marital counseling.