Boundaries in a long term marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People misunderstand boundaries as “the way I want people to treat me and they must comply”. They aren’t. Boundaries are about what you can do and are prepared to do. So if your husband calls you vile names but you need him for money and have no other pressure levers, you don’t have a boundary. Bc no matter how many times you say “you can’t treat me this way”, he knows he can.

This. My friend has a boundary about cheating, but her husband constantly cheats. Why? Because he knows she won't leave because of her low self esteem and despite the fact that she has a job she could be fine with single, she likes the lifestyle he can provide. So why would he respect the boundary when he gets to do whatever he wants anyways.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s YOUR boundary. That someone else keeps crossing it has more to do with you than them. If it is truly your boundary, then you need to hold to that and decide what consequence you feel is rightful. The other person doesn’t have to comply, in which case YOU have to decide if the crossing of the boundary is more important that the relationship. The other person has already told you how they feel about that boundary va the relationship, so the ball is in your court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always read that you have to set boundaries in your relationship, when you want to be treated with respect and decency. How do you do this if the other spouse continually disrespects you and treats you like garbage. The only consequence you have left is to get a divorce?

You take enough time dating and cohabiting to make sure you two are compatible and capable of respecting boundaries.

People change. Circumstances change. Magical thinking where one can go back and change the past does not work.

[Anonymous]

You could ask for a trial separation - even if it’s in the same house, with separate bedrooms. Or - you do not engage, and when the vile insults begin, you leave the room or house. Spend as little time with him as possible. No se* whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

But when it’s as bad as you describe, OP - if there’s any way out of the marriage, I would do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

Boundaries are not about changing the other person. Boundaries are about what you will accept, where is your line.

This. You lose your leverage when you are already married. It becomes about tuning them out, spending time apart, or divorcing. They won’t change their behavior. You can only state your responses and follow through.
Sometimes to maintain your boundary, you cannnot stay with a person who makes vile baseless insults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

Mental health issues if he changed recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

“I won’t continue this conversation with you if you criticize and call me names. “
(He continues to yell)
“Ok I am going to walk away now and we can continue discussing this when you can speak to me respectfully”
Then walk away

If this continues and you truly cannot have a conversation with him without him calling you names and insulting you then time to look at more drastic measures for yourself such a leaving.

Do you have a therapist with a focus on abusive relationships and can coach you on scripts? This would probably be helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

“I won’t continue this conversation with you if you criticize and call me names. “
(He continues to yell)
“Ok I am going to walk away now and we can continue discussing this when you can speak to me respectfully”
Then walk away

If this continues and you truly cannot have a conversation with him without him calling you names and insulting you then time to look at more drastic measures for yourself such a leaving.

Do you have a therapist with a focus on abusive relationships and can coach you on scripts? This would probably be helpful

+1 That's how to enforce your boundary!! Good example PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

“I won’t continue this conversation with you if you criticize and call me names. “
(He continues to yell)
“Ok I am going to walk away now and we can continue discussing this when you can speak to me respectfully”
Then walk away

If this continues and you truly cannot have a conversation with him without him calling you names and insulting you then time to look at more drastic measures for yourself such a leaving.

Do you have a therapist with a focus on abusive relationships and can coach you on scripts? This would probably be helpful

Yeah good luck with that. People here have no idea how these men operate.

[Anonymous]

We have boundaries in our marriage that have evolved. We both want to stay married, so they've worked. There have been tears and threats in creating and enforcing them, especially around financial priorities and a fair division of parenting responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’ve lost perspective. You would never advise a daughter or friend to date a guy who treats her that way. There’s no boundary you can set. You’re past that point. He’s the type of person who does it. Now you have to ask yourself if you’re the type of person to take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’ve lost perspective. You would never advise a daughter or friend to date a guy who treats her that way. There’s no boundary you can set. You’re past that point. He’s the type of person who does it. Now you have to ask yourself if you’re the type of person to take it.

I think so. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see no evidence that OP needs to change.

It's rarely that one sided. But sometimes it actually is.

There’s no evidence in OP’s post at all. Just a rhetorical question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples?

Vile and baseless insults, really crazy stuff. Not going to repeat them here but nothing a civilized person would say.

“I won’t continue this conversation with you if you criticize and call me names. “
(He continues to yell)
“Ok I am going to walk away now and we can continue discussing this when you can speak to me respectfully”
Then walk away

If this continues and you truly cannot have a conversation with him without him calling you names and insulting you then time to look at more drastic measures for yourself such a leaving.

Do you have a therapist with a focus on abusive relationships and can coach you on scripts? This would probably be helpful

Yeah good luck with that. People here have no idea how these men operate.

What, are the men going to lock you in or restrain you? Either one is an escalation that is a dealbreaker for most people.