High maintenance, high debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You tell them one time, tell them their SO needs to get on a budget, and if the SO is not willing to do that, you would advise against merging finances in any way, including cohabitating. If SO doesn't, that's fine, but you will not be bailing either of them out financially. Tell them this is the final time you will be hearing this advice then don't bring it up again, otherwise you are badgering and become the baddie.

p.s. your AC needs to nail their SO down on how much debt they have before they get married and s/he needs to realize that will definitely impact their living standards

Yes to all of this. Both PPs.

[Anonymous]

Best to have all this talk before kids start to date. If someone likes to spend, this is not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you bring it up if your AC is dating someone who is very high maintenance, spends lavishly on grooming, dressing, traveling, partying, cars etc while earning low and having existing large student loans and ever growing credit card debt? Is it inappropriate to voice concern knowing well how financial hardships can ruin marriages or wiser to hope they'll figure it out on their own?

If you already know they have large student loans and ever-growing credit card debt, then it sounds like you've already discussed this with your AC. How else would you know those specific details? I don't follow. I wish my parents had guided me more about what matters most in a marriage, like sharing the same values and priorities. A saver and an overspender will inevitably experience conflict.

[Anonymous]

This would be a shock to my core as my family, grandparents are pretty frugal. I wouldn't care if they dated someone not as frugal or frugal at all, but someone who didn't align with our values at all with finances would be a huge shock.

eg. Theirs a difference in being frugal vs not caring about saving a dollar vs being careless about their finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you bring it up if your AC is dating someone who is very high maintenance, spends lavishly on grooming, dressing, traveling, partying, cars etc while earning low and having existing large student loans and ever growing credit card debt? Is it inappropriate to voice concern knowing well how financial hardships can ruin marriages or wiser to hope they'll figure it out on their own?

I wouldn't bring it up in the context of a specific relationship because those comments have a way of making it to the girlfriend, which rarely goes well. The trick is to talk to your boys about frivolous women when the boys are young and impressionable so that they know it when they see it. Better yet, it is imperative that the mother herself model good behavior for her boys so they have an expectation that their future wives will be financially responsible.

We taught our boys to look for the stereotypical nice girls without tattoos and no student debt.

[Anonymous]

Mine seem to take advice better coming from a 3rd party - esp a podcast:

something about planning long-term dreams together and investing early and keeping goals in mind and also something about communication/accountability

Churches and big sprawling but close-knit families were once the source of life advice like this but it seems we have neither anymore so we have ted talks and memes.

yes it's your job as a parent to life-coach. You just have to find a method to deliver the information so that they will pay attention

Good luck!

I came from a very small family with no church community and had to learn the hard way. But i did run away when I met an otherwise gorgeous man who was very deeply in debt and had very frivolous spending habits. I think my mom was a good role model - she didn't have much fun but she did manager her $$ well!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would for sure. My oldest is in HS and I already tell all my kids this. 😂 Similar financial goals and values are crucial for a happy relationship.

My boys are in middle and (late) elementary school and I already tell them this. 😂 Conspicuous consumption for the sake of showing off is not one of our family values.

[Anonymous]

How do you know the details of this person’s finances?

[Anonymous]

If the XCX is good he’s not giving her up OP. You should have discussed with him when he was younger. Just hope they don’t get married. But for your sake, I would not bring it up, wait for him to raise the issue with you if he ever does.

[Anonymous]

I had no debt. I owned a home and had a good job. But my husband’s parents did not like that a had two very young children from my prior relationship. They thought their 35 yo son should marry a specific type of person. They told him so. They told me, too.

22 years on, we are still happily married and added another bub to the mix, the older two embraced him as their father with whole hearts and he is their hero and favorite person.

My mil, now a widow, is very lonely. I have always been respectful and polite, and brought the children to visit annually. I do this because I love my husband dearly, and don’t want to make his life difficult. But she and I are not close, and I am not interested in being so. She is constantly trying to force a friendship on me. I am not interested. She sees her son far less than she would have had they never openly disapproved of me. It hurt me, but it hurt him more.

I understand that finances are a different issue. But I would be very careful about what you say. Better to discuss topics (debt) than people. And better yet to do it very carefully.

You don’t want to be the lonely widow one day.

[Anonymous]

I came from a lower middle class family and had student debt. My MIL certainly didn’t approve of me. DH and I have been together 27 years. I work full time, raise 2 kids, paid off the debt, and we are a happy couple. Be very careful what you say and assume. It will get back to the significant other and negatively impact your future relationship. Your child is an adult and can make their own decisions without interference or judgement by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would for sure. My oldest is in HS and I already tell all my kids this. 😂 Similar financial goals and values are crucial for a happy relationship.

+1 We talk a lot about finances, spending, debt. How too many Americans are terrible about saving and living beyond their means.

It’s not only Americans, people in other countries are just as bad with finances except maybe in Asia where they have a pretty high savings rate. The only difference is here it’s easy to get a credit card so people are easily tempted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you bring it up if your AC is dating someone who is very high maintenance, spends lavishly on grooming, dressing, traveling, partying, cars etc while earning low and having existing large student loans and ever growing credit card debt? Is it inappropriate to voice concern knowing well how financial hardships can ruin marriages or wiser to hope they'll figure it out on their own?

I wouldn't bring it up in the context of a specific relationship because those comments have a way of making it to the girlfriend, which rarely goes well. The trick is to talk to your boys about frivolous women when the boys are young and impressionable so that they know it when they see it. Better yet, it is imperative that the mother herself model good behavior for her boys so they have an expectation that their future wives will be financially responsible.

We taught our boys to look for the stereotypical nice girls without tattoos and no student debt.

?No student debt is a measure of being “nice”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you bring it up if your AC is dating someone who is very high maintenance, spends lavishly on grooming, dressing, traveling, partying, cars etc while earning low and having existing large student loans and ever growing credit card debt? Is it inappropriate to voice concern knowing well how financial hardships can ruin marriages or wiser to hope they'll figure it out on their own?

I wouldn't bring it up in the context of a specific relationship because those comments have a way of making it to the girlfriend, which rarely goes well. The trick is to talk to your boys about frivolous women when the boys are young and impressionable so that they know it when they see it. Better yet, it is imperative that the mother herself model good behavior for her boys so they have an expectation that their future wives will be financially responsible.

We taught our boys to look for the stereotypical nice girls without tattoos and no student debt.

?No student debt is a measure of being “nice”?

It’s a matter of being privileged most of the time. If the person has hundreds of thousands of dollars in school debt that’s different. I’m glad my dh didn’t discuss my school debt with his parents, but I also only had 20k. It’s very normal for Americans to have college debt.

I have a friend with more than 100k and her degrees took her nowhere. If my son were marrying her I prob wouldn’t like it because she’s not going to pay them off herself. Her BE degree is in psychology and master’s in management. No solid job experience. Can’t keep a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would for sure. My oldest is in HS and I already tell all my kids this. 😂 Similar financial goals and values are crucial for a happy relationship.

+1

My kids knew about this before they started dating