Anxious and introverted four year old won't participate in anything

[Anonymous]

He’s 4. Take him to a playground.

[Anonymous]

I’m another person agreeing that organized sports should probably not be your focus/goal right now. Prioritize giving him opportunities to move his body and learn to regulate it. Swimming was amazing for my sensory-seeking little boy. As was the old air mattress we blew up on rainy days — so much bigger and more fun than a mini trampoline! Instead of organized soccer, kick a ball back and forth. Instead of organized basketball, take a ball to the playground court and practice dribbling, passing and even shooting if the hoop is low enough. If he’s amenable to sharing it/taking turns for a bit, bringing a stomp rocket to the park always draws in a crowd, and gives him and you a chance to socialize a bit in a pretty unstructured way.

He won’t outgrow his innate wiring, but over time he’ll figure out how to navigate situations/people/activities in a more comfortable way. And he’ll ultimately learn how to choose activities that sing to him. For example, my little boy always loved swimming but hated the “hurry up and wait” of summer swim and winter stroke clinics. However, take him to the beach and he’d play in the waves all day long. And as a young adult, he even got his scuba certification. But he still gets twitchy when he has to wait in line in a crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m another person agreeing that organized sports should probably not be your focus/goal right now. Prioritize giving him opportunities to move his body and learn to regulate it. Swimming was amazing for my sensory-seeking little boy. As was the old air mattress we blew up on rainy days — so much bigger and more fun than a mini trampoline! Instead of organized soccer, kick a ball back and forth. Instead of organized basketball, take a ball to the playground court and practice dribbling, passing and even shooting if the hoop is low enough. If he’s amenable to sharing it/taking turns for a bit, bringing a stomp rocket to the park always draws in a crowd, and gives him and you a chance to socialize a bit in a pretty unstructured way.

He won’t outgrow his innate wiring, but over time he’ll figure out how to navigate situations/people/activities in a more comfortable way. And he’ll ultimately learn how to choose activities that sing to him. For example, my little boy always loved swimming but hated the “hurry up and wait” of summer swim and winter stroke clinics. However, take him to the beach and he’d play in the waves all day long. And as a young adult, he even got his scuba certification. But he still gets twitchy when he has to wait in line in a crowd.

This. He is anxious at dropoff or at sports because he knows he's being asked to do something too far above his skill level. OP, I understand you want him to participate to develop those skills, but right now the gap is too big. Focus on his basic motor development and team sports can be a future goal.

If he can be very very good at just one thing, that will build confidence and respect from others. If he is the fastest runner, or the best hitter, best with fly balls, or whatever, then other issues will not be as stigmatizing. Figure out one area of potential strength and develop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not at 4. Your parenting is stressing him out

We're on a year long waitlist for OT. Sorry I'm not going to let my kid sit around and watch tv and hit his sisters because he needs physical activity. I'm not expecting Olympic level athletics, but he needs to move his body. If he doesn't like something we stop doing it. Not sure how that's stressing him out.

Take him to the pool or a playground or an indoor play space. Why does it only have to be a class?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, in the nicest possible way, it feels like you're overwhelmed and frustrated and you want him to just do a dropoff sport already because you've got your hands full with three kids and need a break. And he's probably picking up on that and it's contributing to the separation anxiety.

You need to maybe ratchet down your schedule and reduce your stress level overall. Yes he needs exercise, yes he needs to improve social skills, but right now team sports are not delivering on those goals. Stop beating your head on that wall and come up with another approach.

This is really unfair and untrue. None of these sports are drop off activities. We stayed the entire time, right next to him, on the field or in the water. None of this is about "getting a break", it's about trying to help him.

And when I say "drop off activities are better" I mean he has zero separation anxiety at camp and school, hunting right in. This is about him not feeling confident to participate in physical activities like swim lessons.

DP. OP. I think you need to think about how he can work on one thing at a time. Participating in a group is a skill in and of itself. He needs to work on that skill by itself: social skill groups are good places to do that. Learning to swim and participating in a swim class are, at least, two different skills. He should have a one-on-one for swim lessons (either parents or a private teacher) and then, when he has pretty good swim skills (could be years), try putting him in a class. Same with soccer or t-ball or whatever. First, he works on those skills in isolation at home with parents (or a teen coach) or whatever. Then, when he has some basic skills down, you join a rec team.

Both my boys got so much out of doing informal sports in the yard with DH. Throwing and catching footballs, frisbees, shooting baskets, kicking a soccer ball, etc. He mostly just focused on having fun and then would give them pointers every now and then. They started to think of sports as fun, and then wanted to do it with other kids. My confident but disorganized was much quicker to transition to "team" sports than my language delayed, anxious, uncoordinated kid, though. That kid has done much better with "team" sports on the playground, and then individual sports in the community (tennis, ninja, a little swimming).

It sounds like you don't have a lot to choose from in your area, so you may have to get creative.

[Anonymous]

OP, Special Olympics has a program called Young Athletes for kids under 8, with AND without ID (vs regular special olympics where the athlete must have ID). My dd enjoyed it when she was 4. They learn different skills in a no-pressure situation.

Perhaps there is one near you.

[Anonymous]

OP, we struggled with my super anxious, introverted, super active boy, too. The thing is he NEEDED to be active and really wanted to, too, but was the kind of anxious where he would shut down and refuse to participate. When I say that I tried everything, you should take that almost literally. (And to address the many PPs' concerns, I also spent hours a day at play grounds, free swim, free gym, and hiking in woods.)

The key for us was having my husband be the soccer coach. My presence was still required because he STILL struggled with participation at times. But then, if he ended up in a tree, I could go follow him and redirect him. Not only was his comfort level so much higher with his dad coaching, but if he sat out half the practice, we didn't feel responsible that he was misbehaving or adding too much of a burden on some other volunteer.

We also did a lot of behind the scenes encouragement. Talking about soccer, kicking the ball around in the backyard, inviting teammates over (of course I hosted all playdates for above reasons), and generally trying to be very calm and cheerful and low-pressure about the endeavor. ALso, very important, modeling making mistakes and messing up and laughing about it or just calmly talking through it.

The thing that some PPs may not realize is that kids who act like this often desperately want to participate. My son did and was upset and mortified when he didn't and creating a terrible pattern that we wanted to break. This took HUGE effort on our part -- I didn't mention that my son was the oldest of three at that age (and by 6, the oldest of four) so I was always wrangling little ones. But it totally worked! He ended up loving soccer, playing travel, and becoming very good! More importantly, he made friends, he got over his fears, he built confidence, he found a lifelong activity that he loves and shares with others.

Best of luck, OP. I know how hard it is.

[Anonymous]

Get an ABLLS-R. It will help prioritize skill strengths and deficits

[Anonymous]

OP, drop the idea of team sports, they are not happening for another 2-3 years for a child with this profile and trying to push it may increase the anxiety, which you definitely don't want. Focus on individual sports like swimming or tennis and 1:1 instruction if possible.

I don't want to sound jarring, but have you done ADOS testing for your child? Because introverted+anxious who doesn't participate could be a profile on the spectrum. I get that some parents don't want to get a label for a child so young, but basically you need to know what type of supports to provide. With the right structure it can help with anxiety too. There are lots of tools and tips, but you need to narrow down what's going on with your child.

[Anonymous]

He’s way too young. Just have him run around by himself in a field or park. Or bike, if he can do that. It will be years before he can play a sport.

[Anonymous]

In honesty a kid with this profile may never be successful in team type sports. Confidence will come from things he’s good at, whatever they are. Legos, even.