Anxious and introverted four year old won't participate in anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I think my question was misinterpreted somewhat. I'm more worried about ways to build his confidence via activities. Not necessarily sports related, that's just what we've tried. I want him to feel comfortable in groups and work on social skills and he's having a hard time with that. Open to non sport suggestions.

I should also add- we live in a very rural area. There are no trampoline places. All activities are through our very small parks department. Most kids do soccer and t ball because it's one of the few activities available for kids this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I think my question was misinterpreted somewhat. I'm more worried about ways to build his confidence via activities. Not necessarily sports related, that's just what we've tried. I want him to feel comfortable in groups and work on social skills and he's having a hard time with that. Open to non sport suggestions.

I don't think things that make him anxious, or that he isn't ready for, are going to develop his confidence.

Is he in preschool? To me, social skills come more naturally in groups with consistent peers. Very adult directed classes aren't the place to build them.

Have you looked into services through your public schools?

I agree with the suggestion of SPACE.

I guess my fear with this is that the longer we wait the more anxious he'll be because it will be new to him. He told us he's worried because he doesn't know what he's doing and "all the other kids do". Obviously that's not true but my instinct was to do as much as possible so that he's comfortable in these settings vs being the new kid.

[Anonymous]

Waiting will also bring some maturity. Kids with ADHD (if he has that) and even anxiety are behind their peers in development, so even though I would say that a lot of kids are not ready for structured activities at 4, he is possibly behind even that curve but will be ready in a few years as opposed to farther behind. Preschool/daycare are also great places to work on getting used to new things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I think my question was misinterpreted somewhat. I'm more worried about ways to build his confidence via activities. Not necessarily sports related, that's just what we've tried. I want him to feel comfortable in groups and work on social skills and he's having a hard time with that. Open to non sport suggestions.

I don't think things that make him anxious, or that he isn't ready for, are going to develop his confidence.

Is he in preschool? To me, social skills come more naturally in groups with consistent peers. Very adult directed classes aren't the place to build them.

Have you looked into services through your public schools?

I agree with the suggestion of SPACE.

I guess my fear with this is that the longer we wait the more anxious he'll be because it will be new to him. He told us he's worried because he doesn't know what he's doing and "all the other kids do". Obviously that's not true but my instinct was to do as much as possible so that he's comfortable in these settings vs being the new kid.

Well, it's not just a matter of joining a team vs doing nothing (contrary to what rude and angry PPs make it seem). He can be working with parents on building foundational skills like hand-eye coordination and catching a ball, improving his cardio fitness by running/swimming/whatever, and basically just preparing for the sport. He will be a lot more confident if he has these basic skills and he can work on them as *preparation* for joining the team.

He's not going to be comfortable because he has anxiety and is inattentive. If he's not able to pay attention well enough to participate, it won't be a good experience for him and he won't be comfortable, even though he thinks he wants to do what the other kids do. I get that you want to improve his social skills, but putting him in situations that he is not ready for is not going to do it. It will just sour him on the notion of sports.

He is still very young, and kids with special needs are often a little less mature than their age. Many four year olds are not truly ready for a team sport and they only attend because their parents want to socialize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is inattentive ADHD and SPD. Middle kid with two sisters he's close to. Very sweet and loving but also extremely physical (little boy energy plus the SPD, constantly pushing, jumping etc). We're desperate for him to find a sport he likes to channel that energy and boost his confidence as he is hard on himself and very anxious about failure. Every attempt has been a disaster. He won't leave our side, cries and clings to us. Drop off activities have been better but there aren't many yet.

Any tips for a kid like this? He doesn't need to be good at anything we just want to help him with his self confidence but he won't try. We've tried swimming, soccer, gymnastics and t ball, all the same experience.

I think you need to learn a lot more about special needs. Kids do well if they can. There's no "he won't try". You need to try harder to find the right fit teacher and setting for him. 1:1 swimming is good and important, maybe you need a more low-pressure instructor or you should just get in the pool and play with him yourself.

I think you are expecting WAY too much, given his profile, that he be on a mainstream sports team at age 4. Social skills are really really important in team sports-- reading body language and predicting how others will move and what they will do are social skills. And then there's inattentiveness, which is also a huge problem in a sport like t ball where you're supposed to patiently wait for the batter to hit, without getting distracted. And then the SPD also makes it harder for him. A team sport is great as a goal but as an expectation in the present, it isn't realistic and that's why you're not having success.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, in the nicest possible way, it feels like you're overwhelmed and frustrated and you want him to just do a dropoff sport already because you've got your hands full with three kids and need a break. And he's probably picking up on that and it's contributing to the separation anxiety.

You need to maybe ratchet down your schedule and reduce your stress level overall. Yes he needs exercise, yes he needs to improve social skills, but right now team sports are not delivering on those goals. Stop beating your head on that wall and come up with another approach.

[Anonymous]

What happens if you go to a playground together? For years my husband and I were the weird/trying too hard parents at the playground because it got my very anxious younger child to give it a try. We always had the goal of scaling back as much as possible. But we just kept going and going and it took time but now he plays independently with other kids in all sorts of ways. Playground sports whatever. But that’s at age 6 not 4. Some kids still have really significant separation anxiety at 4 and they need to be slowly helped to see they can separate safely. That’s the idea of SPACE, which we didn’t really know about but our older child had been through a sort of exposure therapy for a different issue and we tried to adapt what we learned through that process to our son. Kids change a lot at this age, give him some time and don’t get frustrated.

For the sensory piece, get a small trampoline and a crash pad. He can jump off it for hours. We also have a set of gymnastics mats and a bunch of balance toys, like our own mini OT gym. We don’t live in a mansion but dedicating a whole room to “a safe space to be totally wild” has been wonderful for both kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is the nature of his SPD? Yes he needs exercise and is energetic, but he needs certain specific types of sensory input and activity to regulate his system. Twirling, crashing into stuff, refusing certain sensations, whatever it is, he needs a sport that provides it. If there is one. You need to take him to an OT if you haven't yet. Even if it's a long drive, a skilled clinician can really help here. It's not like you just try 20 different sports and happen upon the one that is right. And there's no sport where being inattentive is helpful, so it's always going to be an uphill climb for him. He may not succeed in a sport until the inattentive is somehow addressed.

Honestly, I say this as someone from a small town myself: Living in a small town means you drive far or you miss out on things. Sometimes things your kids really need. When I look back on my childhood I see so many special needs that went unrecognized, that in a better school district could have been addressed and it would have made a big difference in people's lives.

[Anonymous]

I had a kid like this and team sports at 4 were just a no. We tried soccer and baseball and it was just a mess. The team environment just amps up the anxiety and team sports at this age are very chaotic which some kids do not handle well (and others don't care at all -- it's interesting).

What worked great were group classes where the instructor taught specific skills and the kids did them independently. Gymnastics and rock climbing and ballet. In that order because gymnastics did the best job of tiring the kids out -- they would run laps around the gym and do these rotations that kept them in constant motion. It was awesome. Rock climbing for 4 and 5 year olds is sort of silly but they got them up on the rock wall and played games and learned how the ropes worked and it's like a sneaky workout because the kids think they are just goofing around. Ballet was the least amount of exercise (at that age) but the best for a calm environment that is super organized and where everything is explained really clearly over and over again -- there is something about the repetition and the way the class is set up that really seems rewarding for the kids and I was impressed by how chill the kids were during class.

Oh and swimming! The classes are short but my kid LOVED swimming at this age.

In soccer my kid cried every single day. In gymnastics he had a blast and left smiling.

You just need to find the right sports. Your kid may just not be ready for team sports. Try again in middle elementary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, in the nicest possible way, it feels like you're overwhelmed and frustrated and you want him to just do a dropoff sport already because you've got your hands full with three kids and need a break. And he's probably picking up on that and it's contributing to the separation anxiety.

You need to maybe ratchet down your schedule and reduce your stress level overall. Yes he needs exercise, yes he needs to improve social skills, but right now team sports are not delivering on those goals. Stop beating your head on that wall and come up with another approach.

This is really unfair and untrue. None of these sports are drop off activities. We stayed the entire time, right next to him, on the field or in the water. None of this is about "getting a break", it's about trying to help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is the nature of his SPD? Yes he needs exercise and is energetic, but he needs certain specific types of sensory input and activity to regulate his system. Twirling, crashing into stuff, refusing certain sensations, whatever it is, he needs a sport that provides it. If there is one. You need to take him to an OT if you haven't yet. Even if it's a long drive, a skilled clinician can really help here. It's not like you just try 20 different sports and happen upon the one that is right. And there's no sport where being inattentive is helpful, so it's always going to be an uphill climb for him. He may not succeed in a sport until the inattentive is somehow addressed.

Honestly, I say this as someone from a small town myself: Living in a small town means you drive far or you miss out on things. Sometimes things your kids really need. When I look back on my childhood I see so many special needs that went unrecognized, that in a better school district could have been addressed and it would have made a big difference in people's lives.

It's not about the drive. We're on the waitlist, it's a year long. My older daughter is in OT and it's a four hour long commitment every Tuesday, and we do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you go to a playground together? For years my husband and I were the weird/trying too hard parents at the playground because it got my very anxious younger child to give it a try. We always had the goal of scaling back as much as possible. But we just kept going and going and it took time but now he plays independently with other kids in all sorts of ways. Playground sports whatever. But that’s at age 6 not 4. Some kids still have really significant separation anxiety at 4 and they need to be slowly helped to see they can separate safely. That’s the idea of SPACE, which we didn’t really know about but our older child had been through a sort of exposure therapy for a different issue and we tried to adapt what we learned through that process to our son. Kids change a lot at this age, give him some time and don’t get frustrated.

For the sensory piece, get a small trampoline and a crash pad. He can jump off it for hours. We also have a set of gymnastics mats and a bunch of balance toys, like our own mini OT gym. We don’t live in a mansion but dedicating a whole room to “a safe space to be totally wild” has been wonderful for both kids.

Playgrounds are ok, he wants us right next to him but he'll climb etc. We've built an OT room in our house with a trampoline, climbing wall etc that we use more in the winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, in the nicest possible way, it feels like you're overwhelmed and frustrated and you want him to just do a dropoff sport already because you've got your hands full with three kids and need a break. And he's probably picking up on that and it's contributing to the separation anxiety.

You need to maybe ratchet down your schedule and reduce your stress level overall. Yes he needs exercise, yes he needs to improve social skills, but right now team sports are not delivering on those goals. Stop beating your head on that wall and come up with another approach.

This is really unfair and untrue. None of these sports are drop off activities. We stayed the entire time, right next to him, on the field or in the water. None of this is about "getting a break", it's about trying to help him.

And when I say "drop off activities are better" I mean he has zero separation anxiety at camp and school, hunting right in. This is about him not feeling confident to participate in physical activities like swim lessons.

[Anonymous]

OP have you tried previewing activities before they start? Like take him to the same pool where the class is and let him splash around? Or the same field etc. Our anxious DD does much better when she has seen a place with us.

[Anonymous]

Oh also try social stories - take pictures of the process of going to the pool and getting to the pool deck and getting in the pool and make a little book about it