Celebrating parents 50th anniversary- sibling planned party without asking

[Anonymous]

I’ve found these big anniversaries bring out a ton of emotions. My in-laws had a huge fight the week of their celebration and my FIL spent part of the week saying he wasn’t going to come. Needless to say, it was awkward and annoying.

I told my DH that we’re planning our celebrations and not putting our kids through this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these big anniversaries bring out a ton of emotions. My in-laws had a huge fight the week of their celebration and my FIL spent part of the week saying he wasn’t going to come. Needless to say, it was awkward and annoying.

I told my DH that we’re planning our celebrations and not putting our kids through this nonsense.

Yeah my sister insisted on throwing a huge party for my parents 50th and it was such a joke. They’ve never really had a happy marriage, there were separations and infidelities, they almost divorced a couple times but would have been too expensive since my mom SAH so many years. They were bickering the morning of about random sh-t as usual and I was just like, why are we celebrating these unhappy people sticking together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the expectations are that you all chip in for the cost, then you absolutely have grounds for feeling frustrated that she did not consult you about the date or the venue. If you pay, you get a say.

That said, sometimes a group can't pull an event together because of "death by committee". Everyone has an opinion about how to do it and disagree with others, and things fall through. If you suggest that you all take a step back and plan it from scratch, how do you envision the process? What is your idea for a proper celebration? Who's going to do the majority of the research and planning, logistics, etc? If you don't have clear ideas and can't offer to take on the lead role to make it happen, then perhaps it's a good thing that your sister is taking charge.

OP here. Yeah that's a fair point that her taking charge means I probably won't have to do anything other than show up and pay my share, lol. It just wouldn't occur to me to plan something like this without consulting sibling co-hosts! I guess I expected her to at least check on school schedules before setting a date, but shrug, maybe that's too much to expect.

Honestly OP, just buy your airline ticket now back home next summer, you have a year notice! I have to fly my butt to my cousin’s wedding somewhere in Estonia and I didn’t even get a year notice (6 months) for a summer wedding!

I planned a similar thing and paid for it all myself. I had input from everyone and it made it that much more difficult. I would have loved to do a trip but we had family members who couldn’t afford it and others who could afford it but would never spend money on the kind of trip my in laws would like. They like to travel 5 star but don’t have the money to pay to fly anyone else because my in laws took 1 international trip a year and maybe 2-4 domestic (including visiting us). I am happy we had the party and they loved it but they couldn’t have it now and they can’t travel anymore due to health issues. My husband offered to fly with them but the last two big trips (including an international one) my MIL ended up in the hospital and broken bones.

Celebrate your parents and book tickets soon (maybe refundable) to save $$

[Anonymous]

Tell her you can contribute x amount and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

This is a year out, not in the next few weeks. The idea of beat dates is laughable, because most people don’t have dates for things a year out.

A 50th is a big deal, and it should be celebrated!

I think, OP, your issue is that your sister moved ahead with this and you feel like she gets “credit” and you don’t.

A party of this time is online with a big wedding. If one or two guests, including you, can’t attend - oh well. This is 50
Years of history..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these big anniversaries bring out a ton of emotions. My in-laws had a huge fight the week of their celebration and my FIL spent part of the week saying he wasn’t going to come. Needless to say, it was awkward and annoying.

I told my DH that we’re planning our celebrations and not putting our kids through this nonsense.

Yeah my sister insisted on throwing a huge party for my parents 50th and it was such a joke. They’ve never really had a happy marriage, there were separations and infidelities, they almost divorced a couple times but would have been too expensive since my mom SAH so many years. They were bickering the morning of about random sh-t as usual and I was just like, why are we celebrating these unhappy people sticking together?

That is weird. Some people are so check the box it’s bad. My spouse is but he’s on the spectrum. Takes everything literally or as a rule. Will have a rage attack and then the next day act like we should go get it on. That’s particularly psychotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you can contribute x amount and leave it at that.

Planning sucks so be glad she didn’t group think this all and is just doing it. If you do want to help plan, speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a year out, not in the next few weeks. The idea of beat dates is laughable, because most people don’t have dates for things a year out.

A 50th is a big deal, and it should be celebrated!

I think, OP, your issue is that your sister moved ahead with this and you feel like she gets “credit” and you don’t.

A party of this time is online with a big wedding. If one or two guests, including you, can’t attend - oh well. This is 50
Years of history..

Honestly if a sibling wants all the control and the credit they should just pay for it all themselves- I think that’s completely fair. I would be upset if my sibling planned something like this without asking AND expected me to pay, mainly because they have a higher income and expensive tastes so tend to pick things unaffordable for us.

[Anonymous]

You should tell your parents. DH and his siblings planned a quasi-surprise party for his parents, but his parents planned a cruise for their anniversary without an inkling that anything else would be going on. SIL had to rescind all the invites and cancel the party.

[Anonymous]

She booked the venue. She probably hasn’t planned the actual details, yet. She likely chose a date on or very near their anniversary so even the date can’t be much of a shock. Booking ahead like this likely will get you a popular venue that may not be available if your sister has waited.

Just be glad this part has been handled. Trying to plan something like this long distance, much less in a different country, would be a nightmare. If you want input as to the food served, the flavor of the cake, the music played, the decorations, etc tell your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She booked the venue. She probably hasn’t planned the actual details, yet. She likely chose a date on or very near their anniversary so even the date can’t be much of a shock. Booking ahead like this likely will get you a popular venue that may not be available if your sister has waited.

Just be glad this part has been handled. Trying to plan something like this long distance, much less in a different country, would be a nightmare. If you want input as to the food served, the flavor of the cake, the music played, the decorations, etc tell your sister.

Exactly. OP you sound really ungrateful, no offense.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she has dealt with you and others in the family and knows that unless she does it, it will never get done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you can contribute x amount and leave it at that.

THIS. Don’t ask her what things cost. Give an amount you are comfortable with. Basic courtesy says that if someone wants to split costs, I can approve or veto how the money is spent. Don’t be a door mat, but don’t be a jerk. “Hey, sis, thanks for doing all the legwork on the anniversary. Here is our contribution. We look forward to celebrating mom and dad with you in June!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should tell your parents. DH and his siblings planned a quasi-surprise party for his parents, but his parents planned a cruise for their anniversary without an inkling that anything else would be going on. SIL had to rescind all the invites and cancel the party.

+1. Before kids, we loved to travel for our anniversary. Once we are empty-nesters, we hope to rekindle that tradition. Most people aren’t waiting around for someone to plan how they are going to spend their anniversary day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should tell your parents. DH and his siblings planned a quasi-surprise party for his parents, but his parents planned a cruise for their anniversary without an inkling that anything else would be going on. SIL had to rescind all the invites and cancel the party.

+1. Before kids, we loved to travel for our anniversary. Once we are empty-nesters, we hope to rekindle that tradition. Most people aren’t waiting around for someone to plan how they are going to spend their anniversary day.

Completely agree with this. Everyone is different when it comes to anniversary celebrations. We had a 50th party for my grandparents years ago but the next generation (my aunts/uncles) have foregone big parties and celebrated in their own way.