Celebrating parents 50th anniversary- sibling planned party without asking

[Anonymous]

If you're living overseas wouldn't it be expensive to travel during other school holidays also?

How involved did you expect to be when you live far away from everyone else?

[Anonymous]

Not to sound harsh, but maybe your sister doesn't really want you there? You come across as rather high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

I am with you OP. Your sister sounds bossy. Is she the oldest?

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses are interesting. I would think if someone were to ask on here- “hey I’m thinking about throwing an anniversary (or retirement, or whatever) party for my parents and split the cost with my siblings, should I ask them first before planning it?” the answer would be universally yes.

[Anonymous]

My parents didn't want a party; they wanted a family trip. Given that your sister has already started the ball rolling with the party, you may be stuck, although I don't see why you should pay for something you didn't help plan. Are you sure she expects you to?

I would also ask your parents if they're interested in doing something before/after your sister's party: "Since we're traveling over anyway, Mom & Dad, we'd love to get to spend some more time with you. Are you interested in all going on a trip? Or would you like up to come for a visit before or after?"

[Anonymous]

My ILs didn't want one either, but DH's extended family is pretty small and they're reserved. My parents hasn't come up yet but we attended one for my aunt/uncle recently and it was like a raucous family reunion so we'll probably have one when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses are interesting. I would think if someone were to ask on here- “hey I’m thinking about throwing an anniversary (or retirement, or whatever) party for my parents and split the cost with my siblings, should I ask them first before planning it?” the answer would be universally yes.

Yes, there are a lot of moving parts, and if the expectation is that OP help pay for and attend the event, s/he should be consulted. Other people don't get to dictate what you do with your time or money, no matter how well-intentioned they are.

[Anonymous]

My mother and I have a "no surprise part pact" we promise to tell the other if someone is planning a surprise party. I have enacted the pact twice so far.
We both HATE surprises. Mostly because there waa 50th anniversary surprise party for my grandparents, her parents and my grandmother became physically ill from the shock of it.
So my advice, reconsider the surprise aspect please. Seems like you need more communication with your siblings in gereral.

[Anonymous]

I think your sister is very inconsiderate, OP. Towards her parents as well as yourself.

Tell her she should consult her parents, and also remark that since you'll be living abroad at that time, she should have consulted you too, and that you don't appreciate that she's making reservations without thinking of asking what's convenient for the principal attendees.

[Anonymous]

Sister does not want to spend the money or time that a trip would entail. Spending one third the cost of a party is way less than spending money for her entire family to travel plus one third the cost of your parents travel.

As you are overseas, it’s even worse if the trip is near your country or to your country. You make it out like a bandit while everyone else spends their travel budget and PTO.

[Anonymous]

I’m the oldest sister and planned my parents’ 50th with the help of my sisters (who - as an aside - never offered a dime, not even to cover their own meals). We told our parents we wanted to celebrate their 50th with a visit and family dinner. So we all flew to our hometown for a long weekend, did family photos, got dressed for dinner and then surprised our parents with a limo and a private dinner where we recreated details from their wedding - same flowers and cake - and put framed photos from their wedding around the room. At an earlier visit I’d sneakily photographed my mom’s address book and used that to send anniversary announcements to all their friends and family, asking them to send a card to help them celebrate. My mom is an introvert and she said the weekend was absolutely perfect.

My ILs planned a family cruise, but it was cancelled because of Covid so we’re just now rescheduled for later this year. It’s a land trip with family and friends to a foreign country and the flights alone are a bazillion dollars. My MIL is doing all the planning.

It is a little surprising that your sister didn’t talk through the details with you before booking, but my experience with surprising my parents was really positive - but I would not have done that for a big party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is that if you ask older parents what they want many of them will say nothing because they don't want to be a bother or put a big expense on their children. Sometimes you really do need to just do something and let them thank you later.

Exactly.

I've noticed that efforts to gain consensus about what to do often lead to nothing happening. So while the thought of getting everyone's input and deciding as a group sounds nice, sometimes you just have to make a call and get 'er done which sounds like what your sister did. Seems like your parents are ok with the idea if things are moving forward. That said, OP has every right to bow out if the date doesn't work for her or if family finances preclude traveling there, since it wasn't cleared with her first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

sometimes a group can't pull an event together because of "death by committee". Everyone has an opinion about how to do it and disagree with others, and things fall through. If you suggest that you all take a step back and plan it from scratch, how do you envision the process? What is your idea for a proper celebration? Who's going to do the majority of the research and planning, logistics, etc? If you don't have clear ideas and can't offer to take on the lead role to make it happen, then perhaps it's a good thing that your sister is taking charge.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is that if you ask older parents what they want many of them will say nothing because they don't want to be a bother or put a big expense on their children. Sometimes you really do need to just do something and let them thank you later.

Exactly.

I've noticed that efforts to gain consensus about what to do often lead to nothing happening. So while the thought of getting everyone's input and deciding as a group sounds nice, sometimes you just have to make a call and get 'er done which sounds like what your sister did. Seems like your parents are ok with the idea if things are moving forward. That said, OP has every right to bow out if the date doesn't work for her or if family finances preclude traveling there, since it wasn't cleared with her first.

Not before you agree on a date and a budget. That needed to be an all sibling conversation.

OP, if there’s no turning back from the current plan, I would only pay what I would have agreed to if consulted. If Sister took control, it’s now her responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How have you celebrated your parents (or ILs) 50th anniversary? Did you ask them what they wanted to do (e.g., party, family trip, etc.) or just do it as a surprise? My sister booked an event venue for next summer on their anniversary date without really asking anyone (including my parents) first. I don't want to be a jerk about it, I just thought there would be more of a conversation about what they wanted to do, the costs (since we'd be sharing the cost along with our other sibling), and a date/location that would work for everyone. I'm not sure, if given the option, that my parents would prefer a party over a trip with their kids/grandkids. The whole thing seems a bit presumptuous to me, but I'm also probably clouded by my immediate family's personal situation (we will be living overseas and travelling back to our small city hometown in the high summer season will be very expensive) and I don't want to make it all about us. I know my sister thinks she is doing a good thing, and she's already told a lot of people the party, so I don't know if I should just go along and try to make it work or suggest we take a step back (provided she could even get the deposit back).

If you can figure out a better date for you, her and them do it. Otherwise be happy anything is getting done.

Behind my back my brother went and got my dad formula 1 tickets and flights one for $5k and I only got him a dinner gift certificate. For his 80th. So yeah, sometimes siblings don’t ask you, they just do.