Celebrating parents 50th anniversary- sibling planned party without asking

[Anonymous]

How have you celebrated your parents (or ILs) 50th anniversary? Did you ask them what they wanted to do (e.g., party, family trip, etc.) or just do it as a surprise? My sister booked an event venue for next summer on their anniversary date without really asking anyone (including my parents) first. I don't want to be a jerk about it, I just thought there would be more of a conversation about what they wanted to do, the costs (since we'd be sharing the cost along with our other sibling), and a date/location that would work for everyone. I'm not sure, if given the option, that my parents would prefer a party over a trip with their kids/grandkids. The whole thing seems a bit presumptuous to me, but I'm also probably clouded by my immediate family's personal situation (we will be living overseas and travelling back to our small city hometown in the high summer season will be very expensive) and I don't want to make it all about us. I know my sister thinks she is doing a good thing, and she's already told a lot of people the party, so I don't know if I should just go along and try to make it work or suggest we take a step back (provided she could even get the deposit back).

[Anonymous]

We had to cancel my ILs anniversary party because FIL passed unexpectedly, so I say just have a party while you can so you don’t regret it later on. Our parents won’t be with us forever.

[Anonymous]

This is probably about your situation, OP. And that sibling is taking over?

I would think a trip with kids and grandkids would be way more expensive than a party. And where would you go that you wouldn't have to be traveling from, as well. Were you hoping they'd come to you?

Not to say that it doesn't s*ck. But if I have learned anything having elderly parents and siblings is that nothing goes smoothly, and things happen at the least convenient times.

I am guessing sibling figured you would say no and didn't want that. And I know lots of parents who want their kids celebrating their 50th, and for people to celebrate them for lasting that long.

[Anonymous]

Oh good grief OP, grow up and celebrate your parents!

[Anonymous]

1) Ask your parents
2) tell sibling that going forward you very one who is sharing costs needs to be involved in the decision making
3) only do what you can afford

[Anonymous]

Your parents are important to more people than your immediate family. Generally speaking, I think it’s lovely to give everyone an opportunity to celebrate them with a party.

A party doesn’t preclude a family trip if that’s important to you. Have you spoken to your parents about it? Do they object to the party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Ask your parents
2) tell sibling that going forward you very one who is sharing costs needs to be involved in the decision making
3) only do what you can afford

DP, but i’ll add that if you can’t come back for the party due to the expense, I’m sure people will understand.

[Anonymous]

I’m pro-family parties in general but if she didn’t clear the date with you first, I think you are well within reason to decline if you can’t make it work. Or just travel back on your own.

[Anonymous]

If the expectations are that you all chip in for the cost, then you absolutely have grounds for feeling frustrated that she did not consult you about the date or the venue. If you pay, you get a say.

That said, sometimes a group can't pull an event together because of "death by committee". Everyone has an opinion about how to do it and disagree with others, and things fall through. If you suggest that you all take a step back and plan it from scratch, how do you envision the process? What is your idea for a proper celebration? Who's going to do the majority of the research and planning, logistics, etc? If you don't have clear ideas and can't offer to take on the lead role to make it happen, then perhaps it's a good thing that your sister is taking charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the expectations are that you all chip in for the cost, then you absolutely have grounds for feeling frustrated that she did not consult you about the date or the venue. If you pay, you get a say.

That said, sometimes a group can't pull an event together because of "death by committee". Everyone has an opinion about how to do it and disagree with others, and things fall through. If you suggest that you all take a step back and plan it from scratch, how do you envision the process? What is your idea for a proper celebration? Who's going to do the majority of the research and planning, logistics, etc? If you don't have clear ideas and can't offer to take on the lead role to make it happen, then perhaps it's a good thing that your sister is taking charge.

OP here. Yeah that's a fair point that her taking charge means I probably won't have to do anything other than show up and pay my share, lol. It just wouldn't occur to me to plan something like this without consulting sibling co-hosts! I guess I expected her to at least check on school schedules before setting a date, but shrug, maybe that's too much to expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the expectations are that you all chip in for the cost, then you absolutely have grounds for feeling frustrated that she did not consult you about the date or the venue. If you pay, you get a say.

That said, sometimes a group can't pull an event together because of "death by committee". Everyone has an opinion about how to do it and disagree with others, and things fall through. If you suggest that you all take a step back and plan it from scratch, how do you envision the process? What is your idea for a proper celebration? Who's going to do the majority of the research and planning, logistics, etc? If you don't have clear ideas and can't offer to take on the lead role to make it happen, then perhaps it's a good thing that your sister is taking charge.

OP here. Yeah that's a fair point that her taking charge means I probably won't have to do anything other than show up and pay my share, lol. It just wouldn't occur to me to plan something like this without consulting sibling co-hosts! I guess I expected her to at least check on school schedules before setting a date, but shrug, maybe that's too much to expect.

She didn't pick a random date right - it was their anniversary. I think you're being a bit dramatic. The only thing I question is if she asked them if they wanted a party? Neither my parents or my ILs wanted parties so we didn't have one.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the OP. Not reasonable to schedule without checking out the date with the parents (unless it was a surprise party) and the other siblings, and not reasonable to book without consulting the other siblings who are paying. I will also say I think it would be unreasonable for OP to expect the party to be held on a date other than the anniversary because they don't want to travel during "high summer" but siblings should have at least made sure of no big conflicts like other trips scheduled, work or sports requirements, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is that if you ask older parents what they want many of them will say nothing because they don't want to be a bother or put a big expense on their children. Sometimes you really do need to just do something and let them thank you later.

[Anonymous]

Not really related to the party, but I would watch out as your parents age, OP.

Sharing elder care with my sibling is going to be bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the expectations are that you all chip in for the cost, then you absolutely have grounds for feeling frustrated that she did not consult you about the date or the venue. If you pay, you get a say.

That said, sometimes a group can't pull an event together because of "death by committee". Everyone has an opinion about how to do it and disagree with others, and things fall through. If you suggest that you all take a step back and plan it from scratch, how do you envision the process? What is your idea for a proper celebration? Who's going to do the majority of the research and planning, logistics, etc? If you don't have clear ideas and can't offer to take on the lead role to make it happen, then perhaps it's a good thing that your sister is taking charge.

OP here. Yeah that's a fair point that her taking charge means I probably won't have to do anything other than show up and pay my share, lol. It just wouldn't occur to me to plan something like this without consulting sibling co-hosts! I guess I expected her to at least check on school schedules before setting a date, but shrug, maybe that's too much to expect.

She didn't pick a random date right - it was their anniversary. I think you're being a bit dramatic. The only thing I question is if she asked them if they wanted a party? Neither my parents or my ILs wanted parties so we didn't have one.

The first post says the parents weren't consulted either (unclear if it's a surprise party).

What if the anniversary is on a weekday? You really wouldn't at least send a courtesy text to your own siblings first? Heck we checked with our immediate families on our wedding date because it was important that our parents/siblings be able to attend! At the time my SIL was living in Europe FWIW. I'm glad we have a more open relationship than this one seems to be.