Husband makes jokes at my expense in front of the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This needs to be a BIG discussion with him. If he can’t hear that he’s hurting your feelings then that is a deal breaker. It doesn’t matter his intent, when you say “you hurt my feelings” he needs to STOP. I can’t imagine my dh keeping it up and telling me I need to chill.

Also, make it clear to your kids that this is NOT funny. How old are they? They can help him with dinner and clean up if they're old enough.

If it continues I would consider taking their plates and dumping them, and refusing to cook. Have a very serious discussion with your husband about how he treats you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he always been that immature?

Is the only way he “connects” with the young kids is via bad humor or put downs.

If so, not good. Undeveloped brain.

This.

My husband is like this to an extent. Thinks he's a big joker with the slightly inappropriate jokes. When the kids were little, it was a bonding thing, silly and usually cute. It's not now that they are teens and the jokes are less appropriate. It's not at my expense though.

I think there's a couple of options. One is to talk to him afterwards every time and tell him it's an issue, not you're not uptight, it's not ok/hurts your feelings. If that doesn't work, then another is to brightly say, "Sounds like Daddy has some great ideas for dinner for the next week. I look forward to taking a break from cooking." And then do it. Be pleasant but direct with him. Tell him that talking to him about it didn't work so you are trying something new. Every time someone asks about dinner, direct to him. This would make my husband furious but it would also be effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For example, he has no problem with what I cook and has said many times I am great cook, but out of nowhere will say the food is bad and he’s going to get a stomachache (“uh oh, I better get a barf bag “) or say the kids may get sick from something I make. He says this in front of them often and thinks it’s hysterical. I’ve stopped laughing and recently said it sounds like he should take over making meals because he keeps making these “jokes,” so obviously he has an issue with the food I make.

He did not like that answer and said I’ve gotten very “uptight.” Um, after spending an hour cooking for him and my kids because he did not want take out, I don’t need him saying the food is bad and trying to get them into making fun of the food, too. It kinda feels humiliating after a while, even like he’s messing with my head.

When I’ve given him a taste of his own medicine, making fun of something he did or made, wow, does he get defensive and snide. He does not take it as a joke, at all. I think the behavior is doing damage to our relationship and he’s not getting it. He’s free to a jerk and turn things around and say haha can’t take a joke, but the treatment only goes one way. Anyone else deal with this? Did things just get worse?

I missed this in my first reading, but you are spot on here - he's "punishing" you and deliberately trying to put you in what he perceives is your place. Is he otherwise manipulative or belittling?

[Anonymous]

My DH used to do this as a way of trying to be relational and funny but it's a symptom of low level social skills. He had to be told that it is disrespectful. I got mad at him enough that he has stopped doing it now.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry such a jerk? You made a mistake. You should divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have thick skin and learn how to fire back with some sick burns.


They’re just jokes. Stop being so lame.

Did you read the OP? She fires back and he gets pissy. They're only "just jokes" if both parties can make jokes.

[Anonymous]

I'd nip it in the bud in front of the kids by immediately responding that at their ages they already know it's not nice to make fun of the food someone prepares for them, so he can cook next time if he's not mature enough to realize how rude that was. I'd probably take my plate and eat elsewhere.

The fact that turnabout is not fair play to him says it all; it was meant as an insult to you- not to be funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH used to do this as a way of trying to be relational and funny but it's a symptom of low level social skills. He had to be told that it is disrespectful. I got mad at him enough that he has stopped doing it now.

Agree.
At minimum it’s this.
At worst it’s he’s jerk who likes and audience (the kids) to put you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have thick skin and learn how to fire back with some sick burns.


They’re just jokes. Stop being so lame.

Here some excellent petty role modeling for the kids at the dinner table daily! Verbal sparring!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For example, he has no problem with what I cook and has said many times I am great cook, but out of nowhere will say the food is bad and he’s going to get a stomachache (“uh oh, I better get a barf bag “) or say the kids may get sick from something I make. He says this in front of them often and thinks it’s hysterical. I’ve stopped laughing and recently said it sounds like he should take over making meals because he keeps making these “jokes,” so obviously he has an issue with the food I make.

He did not like that answer and said I’ve gotten very “uptight.” Um, after spending an hour cooking for him and my kids because he did not want take out, I don’t need him saying the food is bad and trying to get them into making fun of the food, too. It kinda feels humiliating after a while, even like he’s messing with my head.

When I’ve given him a taste of his own medicine, making fun of something he did or made, wow, does he get defensive and snide. He does not take it as a joke, at all. I think the behavior is doing damage to our relationship and he’s not getting it. He’s free to a jerk and turn things around and say haha can’t take a joke, but the treatment only goes one way. Anyone else deal with this? Did things just get worse?

First, use this as your script, OP. Tell him what you told us. See the bold above in particular. Talk at a time when the kids are not around and not coming in to interrupt. When DH is not thinking of going out the door to some activity or work.

Ensure that YOU are calm and collected and wont' get emotional here because he will only see the emotion and will get defensive and possibly say you're "overreacting." And be sure he understands with crystal clarity that this is NOT ABOUT just this one meal and this one time he mocked you; this is part of a larger pattern. And if one partner in a couple sees a pattern and a problem, then there IS a problem.

OP, what is his family of origin like? Did his parents do this to each other? Did he grow up being told that "teasing" was fine? Does he have siblings who teased him and maybe still interact like this, mocking and "joking" as how they talk to each other? If that is the case, he has learned this behavior and believes it's normal, and he may be unable to understand any difference between gentle teasing acceptable to both parties, and mocking that hurts. I am not saying to let him off the hook because his family does this and it's a learned behavior; I'm saying this might be some context for why he is so oblivious to how harmful it is (IF that's the case in his family of origin). You might need to point out to him, if it applies, that his dad does this to his mom, or his sibling does it to him, etc. And that even if that's how they interact, over time, to YOU, it has become demeaning and dismissive. The fact re: your cooking for an hour, only to be joked about rather than simply thanked, is pretty indicative of how ingrained his "teasing" is. He is modeling this for your kids--that is the worst part, even worse than what it's doing to you (which is awful enough).

Second, please, NEVER stoop to his level. Never again "give him a taste of his own medicine" as incredibly tempting as I know that is. That only models for your kids that it's fine to respond to unkindness with snark and more unkindness. I know! He deserves to be verbally slapped. But try not to cave to that instinct. And if you want him to stop, but you also respond in kind, it gives him ammo to tell you, "Well, you do it too, so don't tell me to stop."

Third, consider therapy or some kind of short-term couples communication workshop. Anything. He needs to stop this behavior. Tell him what he sees as "joking" is making you reconsider how you see him as a husband and especially as a father. Your kids soon will be "joking" at you in the same way and you will find it impossible to redirect them or change it because dad will have taught it to them.

The "you're uptight" thing is bad. It's in the same category as: "You can't take a joke." "Lighten up." "I only tease people I love!" "Unclench." "You knew I liked to joke around when you married me." "You've gotten so serious, where's the fun person I married?" and many more little digs that try to make the target of mockery into the person who is in the wrong, and the perpetrator into the person who is fun, bubbly, lighthearted, "just joking." This is a very damaging dynamic, OP. And the mocker often never can see why it's a problem. That's why involving a third party like a counselor or therapist could help. But first you have to have a difficult "come to Jesus" and "take me seriously about this" talk. Don't wing it. Make notes and set a time for it.

Adding -- My relative did this with his wife all their lives, not quite as bad as your DH, but jokingly portraying his wife as less than intelligent, bumbling, a bit dim and scatterbrained. As a teen, their now-adult DC did much the same toward mom. The DC grew up with this and now definitely loves mom, but looks on her as...bumbling, a bit dim, etc., and that won't ever change. The DH, DW and DC are all close and love each other a lot, I know, but the interaction by joking about "how silly mom is" really did create a permanent kind of low-level contempt I still see there. They love her but think she's a bit of a joke herself, and it's not true, but they got years of humor out of it. And because she's an extremely conflict-avoidant person, she never spoke up but played along. Please don't avoid the conflict and end up with your husband and kids loving you but not respecting you or ever thanking you for anything, OP.

I would do this in front of a third party therapist. Do a couple sessions with therapist individually that you need this abusive pattern to stop and have a recent example you want ti then walk through all together and resolve. With therapist. Then continue therapy for accountability check ins or to vet conflicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to have thick skin and learn how to fire back with some sick burns.


They’re just jokes. Stop being so lame.

Then why can't he 'take a joke?'

Op go on strike. Do not make any more meals for him ( if the kids don't complain contibue to make food just for them/yourself) if he says something say you don't like my food, remember?

Get your affairs in order so you are able to divorce if need be.

This approach feels so good but it's passive-aggressive and will do nothing to show the DH why he's utterly wrong. He'll only get angry and insist OP is even more the bad guy and he's just a fun ol' joker and she does not "get it." Rather than passive-agressively going on strike, she needs to speak up very clearly. Then put meals on a rota system so he is making half of them, or all of them at weekends, or whatever. If my own DH wanted to cook at home rather than get takeout, he would also immediately suggest that HE cook. This DH seems...entitled and spoiled.

Also: This is not really about this one meal or her cooking in general. He mocks her cooking but I would bet that he makes "joking" digs at other things she does and says too, not just cooking. Right, OP?

That's why OP shouldn't make this 100 percent about cooking and shouldn't let him make it 100 percent about how she "can't take a joke." It's about a much bigger issue. His "sense of humor" is skewed because he thinks that it's funny to hurt her, and when she says it's hurtful, he dismisses her feelings. That's called contempt. It's toxic. If other things are good, this behavior can be dealt with and unlearned so knee-jerk divorce is not necessarily the outcome here.

It isn't passive aggressive if you TELL HIM WHY YOU ARE NOT COOKING. I never said not informing him!

[Anonymous]

He puts her down

He criticizes cooking

He has a temper tantrum when you bc all him out or dish it back.

go to a tergosit every time you need something cleared up or divorce him. He’s a a-hole, and it doesn’t matter if that organically happened to him or it’s driven by further mental disorders of his.

Set some boundaries (no put downs, no yelling, no nonsense criticizing) and then enforce them (back to therapy, trial separation).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to have thick skin and learn how to fire back with some sick burns.


They’re just jokes. Stop being so lame.

Then why can't he 'take a joke?'

Op go on strike. Do not make any more meals for him ( if the kids don't complain contibue to make food just for them/yourself) if he says something say you don't like my food, remember?

Get your affairs in order so you are able to divorce if need be.

This approach feels so good but it's passive-aggressive and will do nothing to show the DH why he's utterly wrong. He'll only get angry and insist OP is even more the bad guy and he's just a fun ol' joker and she does not "get it." Rather than passive-agressively going on strike, she needs to speak up very clearly. Then put meals on a rota system so he is making half of them, or all of them at weekends, or whatever. If my own DH wanted to cook at home rather than get takeout, he would also immediately suggest that HE cook. This DH seems...entitled and spoiled.

Also: This is not really about this one meal or her cooking in general. He mocks her cooking but I would bet that he makes "joking" digs at other things she does and says too, not just cooking. Right, OP?

That's why OP shouldn't make this 100 percent about cooking and shouldn't let him make it 100 percent about how she "can't take a joke." It's about a much bigger issue. His "sense of humor" is skewed because he thinks that it's funny to hurt her, and when she says it's hurtful, he dismisses her feelings. That's called contempt. It's toxic. If other things are good, this behavior can be dealt with and unlearned so knee-jerk divorce is not necessarily the outcome here.

It isn't passive aggressive if you TELL HIM WHY YOU ARE NOT COOKING. I never said not informing him!

If she makes it all about the cooking/criticism of the cooking, he will believe that's the problem. It's actually a symptom of a much worse issue, his oblivious willingness to hurt his wife (and the fact he's teaching the kids to think hurtful "jokes" are merely fun). Yes, she can and should drop the rope re: cooking in whatever way keeps her and the kids fed, but she should not center this whole conflict on cooking. He will never get the real message, which is that he needs to stop being a self-centered a$$ who mistakes nasty digs for "humor."

[Anonymous]

What an ungrateful + disrespectful man this is!! 😲

I would simply stop cooking ANYthing for your husband from now on!

Good riddance!

[Anonymous]

I actually looked this up because my husband does this to me and I see I’m not alone. Another thing is If I make a joke about myself he takes it to the next level and does this dumb laugh to get the kids to laugh. I think that stupid laugh is a way for him not to look stupid if no one laughs. They used to laugh, his they’re 15 and 20 and don’t find it funny. One day my younger son told him to stop. Now they view it as abusing their mother. I could say a lot of embarrassing things about him too that are actually true but I don’t. Both my kids and myself are so tired of him and all his shitty ways. Not a bad guy but not a great one either. Every time one of us watch a show he doesn’t want to watch he makes a bunch of judgmental comments about people’s looks. When my son tells him to stop his response is always this is my house and I’ll say and do what I want. He has no consideration for anyone else.