Reply to Husband makes jokes at my expense in front of the kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For example, he has no problem with what I cook and has said many times I am great cook, but out of nowhere will say the food is bad and he’s going to get a stomachache (“uh oh, I better get a barf bag “) or say the kids may get sick from something I make. He says this in front of them often and thinks it’s hysterical. [b]I’ve stopped laughing and recently said it sounds like he should take over making meals because he keeps making these “jokes,” so obviously he has an issue with the food I make.[/b]

He did not like that answer and said I’ve gotten very “uptight.” Um, [b]after spending an hour cooking for him and my kids because he did not want take out, I don’t need him saying the food is bad and trying to get them into making fun of the food, too. It kinda feels humiliating[/b] after a while, even like he’s messing with my head.

When I’ve given him a taste of his own medicine, making fun of something he did or made, wow, does he get defensive and snide. He does not take it as a joke, at all. [b]I think the behavior is doing damage to our relationship and he’s not getting it[/b]. He’s free to a jerk and turn things around and say haha can’t take a joke, but [b]the treatment only goes one way[/b]. Anyone else deal with this? Did things just get worse? [/quote]

First, use this as your script, OP. Tell him what you told us. See the bold above in particular. Talk at a time when the kids are not around and not coming in to interrupt. When DH is not thinking of going out the door to some activity or work.

Ensure that YOU are calm and collected and wont' get emotional here because he will only see the emotion and will get defensive and possibly say you're "overreacting." And be sure he understands with crystal clarity that this is NOT ABOUT just this one meal and this one time he mocked you; this is part of a larger pattern. And if one partner in a couple sees a pattern and a problem, then there IS a problem.

OP, what is his family of origin like? Did his parents do this to each other? Did he grow up being told that "teasing" was fine? Does he have siblings who teased him and maybe still interact like this, mocking and "joking" as how they talk to each other? If that is the case, he has learned this behavior and believes it's normal, and he may be unable to understand any difference between gentle teasing acceptable to both parties, and mocking that hurts. I am not saying to let him off the hook because his family does this and it's a learned behavior; I'm saying this might be some context for why he is so oblivious to how harmful it is (IF that's the case in his family of origin). You might need to point out to him, if it applies, that his dad does this to his mom, or his sibling does it to him, etc. And that even if that's how they interact, over time, to YOU, it has become demeaning and dismissive. The fact re: your cooking for an hour, only to be joked about rather than simply thanked, is pretty indicative of how ingrained his "teasing" is. He is modeling this for your kids--that is the worst part, even worse than what it's doing to you (which is awful enough).

Second, please, NEVER stoop to his level. Never again "give him a taste of his own medicine" as incredibly tempting as I know that is. That only models for your kids that it's fine to respond to unkindness with snark and more unkindness. I know! He deserves to be verbally slapped. But try not to cave to that instinct. And if you want him to stop, but you also respond in kind, it gives him ammo to tell you, "Well, you do it too, so don't tell me to stop."

Third, consider therapy or some kind of short-term couples communication workshop. Anything. He needs to stop this behavior. Tell him what he sees as "joking" is making you reconsider how you see him as a husband and especially as a father. [i]Your kids soon will be "joking" at you in the same way and you will find it impossible to redirect them or change it because dad will have taught it to them.[/i]

The "you're uptight" thing is bad. It's in the same category as: "You can't take a joke." "Lighten up." "I only tease people I love!" "Unclench." "You knew I liked to joke around when you married me." "You've gotten so serious, where's the fun person I married?" and many more little digs that try to make the [i]target[/i] of mockery into the person who is in the wrong, and the perpetrator into the person who is fun, bubbly, lighthearted, "just joking." This is a very damaging dynamic, OP. And the mocker often never can see why it's a problem. That's why involving a third party like a counselor or therapist could help. But first you have to have a difficult "come to Jesus" and "take me seriously about this" talk. Don't wing it. Make notes and set a time for it.

Adding -- My relative did this with his wife all their lives, not quite as bad as your DH, but jokingly portraying his wife as less than intelligent, bumbling, a bit dim and scatterbrained. As a teen, their now-adult DC did much the same toward mom. The DC grew up with this and now definitely loves mom, but looks on her as...bumbling, a bit dim, etc., and that won't ever change. The DH, DW and DC are all close and love each other a lot, I know, but the interaction by joking about "how silly mom is" really did create a permanent kind of low-level contempt I still see there. They love her but think she's a bit of a joke herself, and it's not true, but they got years of humor out of it. And because she's an extremely conflict-avoidant person, she never spoke up but played along. Please don't avoid the conflict and end up with your husband and kids loving you [i]but not respecting you or ever thanking you[/i] for anything, OP. [/quote]
 I would do this in front of a third party therapist. Do a couple sessions with therapist individually that you need this abusive pattern to stop and have a recent example you want ti then walk through all together and resolve. With therapist. Then continue therapy for accountability check ins or to vet conflicts. [/quote]

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