Husband’s spending out of control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could not live with a man with this character flaw. Someone who must keep up with the Jones has deep rooted mental problems. The kind that would lead to affairs, for example. I would have serious misgivings about raising a child with him, short of his agreement to get mental health help.

Agree.
Shallow person with no values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could not live with a man with this character flaw. Someone who must keep up with the Jones has deep rooted mental problems. The kind that would lead to affairs, for example. I would have serious misgivings about raising a child with him, short of his agreement to get mental health help.

Agree.
Shallow person with no values.

My ex husband was this way. He would buy anything at top dollar. He ultimately was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and put on Zoloft. Our marriage ultimately crumbled.

It is very very stressful to live with a spouse with these characteristics.

[Anonymous]

I totally identify with you. My spouse is the same, earns around the same amount but many friends make more than 500k or are millionaires.
My spouse is insecure and didn't grow up with money while my parents were upper middle class but saved a lot.

My spouse spends so much. Always needs the new car, the nicest place, the fancy furniture, right clothing. It is exhausting. Luckily his salary tends to go up each year but I feel the spending does too. I don't know if it is sustainable forever. It might end in divorce.

[Anonymous]

It depends on your savings. I think a lot of people on dcum talk about “having the money for it” just means they have MXED OUT THEIR 401k and have like 6 or 12 months emergency savings, and maybe a bucket set aside for a specific purchase (like future down payment). And so everything else is fair game for spending.

That’s not how we live. We have identified where and what we want to spend on, based on how much we make and what our values are, and the rest goes to savings. It’s always seemed bizarre to me to set your savings first and then plan on spending everything up to that cap, especially when you have a high enough income that you can live very comfortably below that cap.

[Anonymous]

Were you not present when he purchased a car for YOU and for nursery furniture? If you went along with it, it’s difficult to complain now. I understand you don’t want to be the wallet police. The answer is to make a BUDGET. If he won’t figure out a budget, get counseling.

[Anonymous]

That’s tough. A while back my DH kept buying costly things but wouldn’t use it. This was so annoying to both of us (he didn’t like my complaining).

So we agreed to set aside a certain amount for personal spending and it worked well. He came to his senses on his own and stopped buying and warehousing those things too, thankfully.

Regarding eating out and cars, etc, I would just say I don’t like those places/cars. If he insists, take turns choosing restaurants and he can only replace his car, not yours, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. You had to sign the purchase agreement for the house, right? You didn’t just wave a wand and end up with a $1m+ mortgage? You do know that $50k isn’t an exorbitant price for a new car in 2024, right!

Sounds like you could use some assertiveness coaching and or some deep reflection on your own priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get him to agree that now that you've had a baby it's time for the two of you to review your budget and spending. Diapers cost a lot, for example. What are the two of you NOT going to buy so you can allocate money towards diapers?

If you can get him on board with seeing "here are all the things we NEED to spend money on" and compare that to how much is coming in, he'll be more likely to get on board with "here is how much we can spend on WANTS".

If you have to invest in a meeting with a financial advisor, do that. If you have to pursue friendships with people who are a little more humble in their spending habits, do that.

OP here. We can afford basic and some luxury expenses. I just worry if will why out of hand.

I do admit I buy the most expensive diaper and wipes but that’s a preference for me.

OP, do you see the fallacy in what you are saying here. Buying expensive diapers and wipes because that's your preference. Buying an expensive car is his preference. Each of you has to not buy your preference, but what is sensible for your budget. If you said I buy the expensive diapers and wipes because the cheaper ones irritate my baby's skin, that would be justifiable if you are trying to learn to budget.

So maybe you both need a lesson in understanding how live a life that allows you to have more kids, pay for college and retirement. You also probably need to discuss why he is doing this. This kind of behavior is generally born out of insecurity.

I’m not sure that OP understands that she behaves exactly like her husband. Or maybe she believes because it’s on a smaller scale it doesn’t matter. But even on a smaller scale if you do it regularly, it adds up to the cost of an expensive party.

It’s hard to tell if spending is unreasonable because we don’t know your down payment and monthly costs. But what I do know is that when it comes to money, so long as you can afford your lifestyle and are planning and saving for the future, there needs to be compromise. Diapers are important to you and spending more on a car is important to him.

[Anonymous]

Is OP Graham’s mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is within budget but it’s still concerning.

We bought a large expensive home that all of our friends bought. I would have been happier with a smaller home but he had to have all the bells and whistles.

Our friends have a certain car and he bought me a new one. Again, I would have gone with a cheaper car.

We had to have the same nursery furniture, a PT newborn care specialist, a baby moon, etc.

He buys the most expensive food and alcohol when we have parties.

We had to have multiple expensive baby items.

We have to eat at pricey restaurants like our friends do.

Our friends make more than us. We can sustain this level of purchasing with multiple kids, childcare, private schools, etc.

What’s the problem? This sounds like a normal upper middle class life.

OP here. A $50k car isn’t middle class. A $1.8m house isn’t middle class. That’s a lot of money.

In this region it is middle class.

No, it is not! You are out of touch. NP here

[Anonymous]

You describe a scenario where you have no agency; he bought the house and (your) car without your input? You had no say?

[Anonymous]

^THAT is the real problem. It sounds like you have poor communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is within budget but it’s still concerning.

We bought a large expensive home that all of our friends bought. I would have been happier with a smaller home but he had to have all the bells and whistles.

Our friends have a certain car and he bought me a new one. Again, I would have gone with a cheaper car.

We had to have the same nursery furniture, a PT newborn care specialist, a baby moon, etc.

He buys the most expensive food and alcohol when we have parties.

We had to have multiple expensive baby items.

We have to eat at pricey restaurants like our friends do.

Our friends make more than us. We can sustain this level of purchasing with multiple kids, childcare, private schools, etc.

What’s the problem? This sounds like a normal upper middle class life.

OP here. A $50k car isn’t middle class. A $1.8m house isn’t middle class. That’s a lot of money.

The car is. The house isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is within budget but it’s still concerning.

We bought a large expensive home that all of our friends bought. I would have been happier with a smaller home but he had to have all the bells and whistles.

Our friends have a certain car and he bought me a new one. Again, I would have gone with a cheaper car.

We had to have the same nursery furniture, a PT newborn care specialist, a baby moon, etc.

He buys the most expensive food and alcohol when we have parties.

We had to have multiple expensive baby items.

We have to eat at pricey restaurants like our friends do.

Our friends make more than us. We can sustain this level of purchasing with multiple kids, childcare, private schools, etc.

What’s the problem? This sounds like a normal upper middle class life.

OP here. A $50k car isn’t middle class. A $1.8m house isn’t middle class. That’s a lot of money.

In this region it is middle class.

Time and time again this forum insists that’s middle class, and the data do not support it. That’s wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get him to agree that now that you've had a baby it's time for the two of you to review your budget and spending. Diapers cost a lot, for example. What are the two of you NOT going to buy so you can allocate money towards diapers?

If you can get him on board with seeing "here are all the things we NEED to spend money on" and compare that to how much is coming in, he'll be more likely to get on board with "here is how much we can spend on WANTS".

If you have to invest in a meeting with a financial advisor, do that. If you have to pursue friendships with people who are a little more humble in their spending habits, do that.

OP here. We can afford basic and some luxury expenses. I just worry if will why out of hand.

I do admit I buy the most expensive diaper and wipes but that’s a preference for me.

OP, do you see the fallacy in what you are saying here. Buying expensive diapers and wipes because that's your preference. Buying an expensive car is his preference. Each of you has to not buy your preference, but what is sensible for your budget. If you said I buy the expensive diapers and wipes because the cheaper ones irritate my baby's skin, that would be justifiable if you are trying to learn to budget.

So maybe you both need a lesson in understanding how live a life that allows you to have more kids, pay for college and retirement. You also probably need to discuss why he is doing this. This kind of behavior is generally born out of insecurity.

I’m not sure that OP understands that she behaves exactly like her husband. Or maybe she believes because it’s on a smaller scale it doesn’t matter. But even on a smaller scale if you do it regularly, it adds up to the cost of an expensive party.

It’s hard to tell if spending is unreasonable because we don’t know your down payment and monthly costs. But what I do know is that when it comes to money, so long as you can afford your lifestyle and are planning and saving for the future, there needs to be compromise. Diapers are important to you and spending more on a car is important to him.

To be fair, the price differential between Pampers and Luvs might be something like $200 over the course of a year. You can’t really compare it to the difference between buying a $1.8m house instead of a $1.2m house for example.