Extended Family Birthday celebrations for kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One set of grandparents always came for the kids b-days (even when they were teens), one didn't. What's the big deal if you have cake in NYC and again at home? Be happy her grandparents want to be so engaged in her life!

OP here. I'm not sure how this wouldn't be a big deal? Clean guest room and wash the sheets, make sure I have enough food for multiple meals a day, bake a cake, clean the house, cancel events we've already scheduled.
?

You sound like a martyr. Your DH can do the cleaning or hire a cleaning service, get a cake at the grocery store and make whatever food you would be making anyway or get some premade food/takeout. Tell ILs you already have plans and they can either tag along or if that’s not appropriate they can stay home and babysit DD. It’s really not that complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be clear that THIS was what your DD wanted - to go away on a trip for her birthday. So that's what we are doing this year. Grandparents aren't going, that's fine - they can figure out how/when to give her a bday gift.

You don't need a party to get a gift - my aunts/uncles and grandparents mailed us checks (or bought bonds for us) every year for our bdays when we were little. Birthdays happen whether you have a party or not.

I get that they wanted you to host a party where they would come to your house, but that's not what's happening because the birthday child wanted to do something else.

I get that daughter wanted a trip and chose that. But would she really object to a family party too? Family traditions are wonderful, especially when they celebrate a family member, and this sounds like you can do both if you wanted.

My kids often choose trips over gifts and parties. But we also have cake at home around the birthday. We don’t have family that wants to celebrate with us. If we did, we’d invite them - we’re older parents and grandparents have passed.

I’m not saying you should have the party. Just saying that if daughter isn’t anti party and you feel like having family over to celebrate, it’s a nice tradition that you would be continuing.

I agree with this very balanced poster. It's your DD birthday and not the grandparents' bday. But if she's like it, why not just do cake with family too especially if they're local? We have done this when the friend bday was at a kid venue that wouldn't be of interest (like a playspace) - just cut another cake at home and reuse the same decor.

[Anonymous]

OP's parents are hosting the granddaughter for a spa visit and overnight. Do the ILs have the money to host your daughter at a local hotel for an overnight as well? Offer that option to them. If they have financial limitations, I can understand why they would be disappointed to know that the other set of grandparents gets a private celebration, while they get none.

But also get creative and encourage them to take granddaughter out for a celebratory movie or museum or picnic or other low cost outing that doesn't involve you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One set of grandparents always came for the kids b-days (even when they were teens), one didn't. What's the big deal if you have cake in NYC and again at home? Be happy her grandparents want to be so engaged in her life!

OP here. I'm not sure how this wouldn't be a big deal? Clean guest room and wash the sheets, make sure I have enough food for multiple meals a day, bake a cake, clean the house, cancel events we've already scheduled.

You're phrasing it like I have a cake all made and am refusing two people some slices.

We JUST saw them last weekend, like 4 days before her birthday. Why couldn't they have celebrated her then? Why does it have to be after?

NP and it is a big deal. Just say no. Your daughter is old enough to go to NYC to celebrate so she’s not a baby. How old is she?

We stopped having the relatives visiting for the kids birthdays when they were in mid elementary. Each side came on separate weekends, for two different celebrations, because competing grandmas wanted all of the attention. It stopped when the kids got older and it was obvious they loved their grandparents but weren’t as over the moon excited they came for their birthdays. Now they send a card and call and that’s it for birthdays. My kids plan birthday parties with friends and we see extended family at other times in the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One set of grandparents always came for the kids b-days (even when they were teens), one didn't. What's the big deal if you have cake in NYC and again at home? Be happy her grandparents want to be so engaged in her life!

OP here. I'm not sure how this wouldn't be a big deal? Clean guest room and wash the sheets, make sure I have enough food for multiple meals a day, bake a cake, clean the house, cancel events we've already scheduled.

You're phrasing it like I have a cake all made and am refusing two people some slices.

We JUST saw them last weekend, like 4 days before her birthday. Why couldn't they have celebrated her then? Why does it have to be after?

You're right, particularly because you just saw them last weekend. If it was about celebrating DD's birthday, the grandparents would have done it then. This is probably more about these grandparents have a difficult time adjusting to how things will change as DD gets older. My MIL, who is a lovely woman and I get along great with her, had a tough time accepting that birthday parties were going to look different as DCs got more independent. For a few years it was more about meeting her expectations and not about what DCs wanted to do to celebrate.

It just seems silly to recreate another birthday celebration that the birthday girl doesn't actually want.

[Anonymous]

We did an extra party for extended relatives and now that my son is older, it’s the only party. We keep thinking we will stop, but it has become the big family get together. We actually had an out of state relative request we plan the date early enough so she could plan to attend. I think it’s kind of nice. But we do not mind having it. I can see why you woukd not want to be pushed into having it.

[Anonymous]

"They keep asking when they can come up and celebrate her birthday, but the thing is- we aren't?"

Bruh, we already did. Remember when we spent the entire weekend with you? Celebrating DD's birthday...? Do they have dementia?

[Anonymous]

It is weird you or your husband didn’t head this off at the pass while you were at their house a few days before her birthday. “Hey, let’s grab a cake at the grocery store and sing happy birthday at dinner tonight” would have saved you a lot of headache.

But I also don’t think “hosting” requires much. Grandparents can show up and stay at my house in the exact state we live in it every day. And any of us can order some pizza. If they don’t like our cleaning or food, then they could stop coming. If it my husband’s family, he deals with the entertaining and vice versa. But, if you really don’t want to host them just say they can give her the present the next time you visit them in X weeks or months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"They keep asking when they can come up and celebrate her birthday, but the thing is- we aren't?"

Bruh, we already did. Remember when we spent the entire weekend with you? Celebrating DD's birthday...? Do they have dementia?

It should have been on the parent to make it a birthday celebration during the recent visit. Otherwise op would have been mad they were stealing her thunder if they tried to organize it. The grandparents just want to have a birthday thing. Its not that hard and it’s the parents job to figure it out. That didn’t happen and now look at what’s happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One set of grandparents always came for the kids b-days (even when they were teens), one didn't. What's the big deal if you have cake in NYC and again at home? Be happy her grandparents want to be so engaged in her life!

OP here. I'm not sure how this wouldn't be a big deal? Clean guest room and wash the sheets, make sure I have enough food for multiple meals a day, bake a cake, clean the house, cancel events we've already scheduled.
?

You sound like a martyr. Your DH can do the cleaning or hire a cleaning service, get a cake at the grocery store and make whatever food you would be making anyway or get some premade food/takeout. Tell ILs you already have plans and they can either tag along or if that’s not appropriate they can stay home and babysit DD. It’s really not that complicated.

What’s not complicated is just doing nothing with the grandparents! It isn’t their birthday! OP doesn’t have t cater to them. Good grief, people really do need bear spray to get the boomers to back off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One set of grandparents always came for the kids b-days (even when they were teens), one didn't. What's the big deal if you have cake in NYC and again at home? Be happy her grandparents want to be so engaged in her life!

OP here. I'm not sure how this wouldn't be a big deal? Clean guest room and wash the sheets, make sure I have enough food for multiple meals a day, bake a cake, clean the house, cancel events we've already scheduled.
?

You sound like a martyr. Your DH can do the cleaning or hire a cleaning service, get a cake at the grocery store and make whatever food you would be making anyway or get some premade food/takeout. Tell ILs you already have plans and they can either tag along or if that’s not appropriate they can stay home and babysit DD. It’s really not that complicated.

What’s not complicated is just doing nothing with the grandparents! It isn’t their birthday! OP doesn’t have t cater to them. Good grief, people really do need bear spray to get the boomers to back off!

I don’t think every birthday needs to be a big event for the family. Sounds like a lot if grandparents desperately need something to do and they expect their kids to provide the itinerary. If they really need a big party they should cough up the money for the cake (by 10-12 the cake the kid is hardly excited about).

My parents were and still are hooked on celebrating every birthday. I still remember them buying the same big birthday cake from the same bakery forcing us the sit in front of it for photos. By age 12 it was excruciating. Then one day I realized it was all about them. Now they’re trying to force the same thing with my kids.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you've had family birthday parties for your daughter in the past? If so, I can see why grandparents may have expected that to continue if you didn't communicate clearly about it. It does sound like they see this as a tradition, and I think lots of families would think of this as a nice tradition. Not sure why all these posters think it's "manipulative" that grandparents want to participate in their grandchild's birthday celebration. So many people on here really seem joyless.

OP if you weren't up for a party, you should have said so and made a point of celebrating with them while you were up there for the weekend. I think at this point, you just need to be honest and let them know that you are tired and are skipping the party this year, but remind them "isn't it nice that we were able to spend the weekend with you so recently?"

[Anonymous]

No the boomers keep asking when they are going to be invited to a party to celebrate the birthday. They 100% expect OP to throw an extra party just for their benefit. This is stupid, entitled and ridiculous boomer behavior.

Just be direct and repeat that you are not having a second party. They can FaceTime a Happy Birthday or do a regular call, send a card through the mail, send a gift or not or just stew that their grandchild is enjoying her birthday in NYC rather than celebrating in a manner that works better for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"They keep asking when they can come up and celebrate her birthday, but the thing is- we aren't?"

Bruh, we already did. Remember when we spent the entire weekend with you? Celebrating DD's birthday...? Do they have dementia?

It should have been on the parent to make it a birthday celebration during the recent visit. Otherwise op would have been mad they were stealing her thunder if they tried to organize it. The grandparents just want to have a birthday thing. Its not that hard and it’s the parents job to figure it out. That didn’t happen and now look at what’s happened.

I kind of agree. OP shouldn't worry at this point but it would have been simple to say, "Since you're coming up this weekend and we'll be in NYC for Calliope's birthday, I'm going to grab a cake we can have after lunch for a casual, early celebration with you guys. Sound OK?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For her birthday this year DD chose several days in NYC instead of a party. We're going over her actual birthday (this Th-S) and will celebrate there. Both sets of grandparents are pretty upset about this (one local, one is like 4 hours away). They keep saying we aren't celebrating DD. We just spent the weekend with the 4 hour away grandparents and I sort of expected them to give DD her presents in person, but they didn't and didn't mention it. They keep asking when they can come up and celebrate her birthday, but the thing is- we aren't? Presents, cake and celebrating will be on her actual birthday up there. We invited both sets to come to NYC with us, but they declined. Local grandparents will be taking DD for a day the next week and having her spend the night to celebrate.

DH says that growing up he always had a family birthday party with cake, ice cream and relatives in addition to his friend party. I never lived near relatives and my grandparents would mail my gifts and call me instead. I had a friend party on the weekend.

Does anyone else do an extra party for extended family?

Birthday celebrations of my children usually last for a week. We have a celebration at home, usually cake, a movie or outing, and take out dinner. They usually get an expensive present from us. Then we have a dinner celebration at some nice restaurant for the extended family. Usually they get money gifts from the extended family. Then they have a big birthday party and invite their friends. So, yes, my kids have at least 3 birthday celebrations.