Extended Family Birthday celebrations for kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be clear that THIS was what your DD wanted - to go away on a trip for her birthday. So that's what we are doing this year. Grandparents aren't going, that's fine - they can figure out how/when to give her a bday gift.

You don't need a party to get a gift - my aunts/uncles and grandparents mailed us checks (or bought bonds for us) every year for our bdays when we were little. Birthdays happen whether you have a party or not.

I get that they wanted you to host a party where they would come to your house, but that's not what's happening because the birthday child wanted to do something else.

I get that daughter wanted a trip and chose that. But would she really object to a family party too? Family traditions are wonderful, especially when they celebrate a family member, and this sounds like you can do both if you wanted.

My kids often choose trips over gifts and parties. But we also have cake at home around the birthday. We don’t have family that wants to celebrate with us. If we did, we’d invite them - we’re older parents and grandparents have passed.

I’m not saying you should have the party. Just saying that if daughter isn’t anti party and you feel like having family over to celebrate, it’s a nice tradition that you would be continuing.

the problem is that it's not been revealed what this is really all about—the grandparents wants, not the kids wants. So if they're a bright young kid, they've picked up on this and probably want nothing to do with it.

to add—it's clear it's NOT a "nice tradition", it's a weird emotional manipulation. Kid is smart to stay away from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be clear that THIS was what your DD wanted - to go away on a trip for her birthday. So that's what we are doing this year. Grandparents aren't going, that's fine - they can figure out how/when to give her a bday gift.

You don't need a party to get a gift - my aunts/uncles and grandparents mailed us checks (or bought bonds for us) every year for our bdays when we were little. Birthdays happen whether you have a party or not.

I get that they wanted you to host a party where they would come to your house, but that's not what's happening because the birthday child wanted to do something else.

I get that daughter wanted a trip and chose that. But would she really object to a family party too? Family traditions are wonderful, especially when they celebrate a family member, and this sounds like you can do both if you wanted.

My kids often choose trips over gifts and parties. But we also have cake at home around the birthday. We don’t have family that wants to celebrate with us. If we did, we’d invite them - we’re older parents and grandparents have passed.

I’m not saying you should have the party. Just saying that if daughter isn’t anti party and you feel like having family over to celebrate, it’s a nice tradition that you would be continuing.

OP here- I agree that DD isn't anti party. It's more that I'm incredibly burnt out right now. I don't have it in me to host them for a weekend, cook food for all that, another cake for DD and clean house before. I was very excited to go away on a vacation and not have to host a party (I always host a massive party for her at my house for her friends and my inlaws come to that).

The other set of grandparents are taking her out to dinner, spa day and sleepover, which is lovely because it doesn't require anything from me.

[Anonymous]

As the kids got older, the big family birthdays have slowed down. Sounds like that's where you want to head but family isn't ready to get there yet.

[Anonymous]

I always host a family party and a separate friend party for my two kids. It’s our tradition but one that may require flexibility as the kids are getting older and I don’t have the bandwidth to host people for an entire weekend or longer when I just want to have people over for a few hours. My MIL lives 2.5 hours away and SIL lives out of the country. When I was growing up, we had separate parties but it was for local family. No one was hosting out of town family for the weekend.

It’s fine to tell people you don’t have the energy to host right now in addition to traveling. Tell them they are welcome to come a different weekend and take your daughter out for dinner.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never had a family birthday party and it’s fine. As a kid my parents celebrated with me and as an adult it was friends or my own wife and kids.

I’ve had to attend family celebrations for my ILs and they’re fine but no one is really celebrating.Its just a chance for one branch of the ILs to inflict demands on the other about whose house to go to or whose sheet cake has to be praised as if it wasn’t straight from a box.

[Anonymous]

One set of grandparents always came for the kids b-days (even when they were teens), one didn't. What's the big deal if you have cake in NYC and again at home? Be happy her grandparents want to be so engaged in her life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One set of grandparents always came for the kids b-days (even when they were teens), one didn't. What's the big deal if you have cake in NYC and again at home? Be happy her grandparents want to be so engaged in her life!

Because THEY are angry that their wishes on HER birthday aren’t being put first. What a huge red Flag!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For her birthday this year DD chose several days in NYC instead of a party. We're going over her actual birthday (this Th-S) and will celebrate there. Both sets of grandparents are pretty upset about this (one local, one is like 4 hours away). They keep saying we aren't celebrating DD. We just spent the weekend with the 4 hour away grandparents and I sort of expected them to give DD her presents in person, but they didn't and didn't mention it. They keep asking when they can come up and celebrate her birthday, but the thing is- we aren't? Presents, cake and celebrating will be on her actual birthday up there. We invited both sets to come to NYC with us, but they declined. Local grandparents will be taking DD for a day the next week and having her spend the night to celebrate.

DH says that growing up he always had a family birthday party with cake, ice cream and relatives in addition to his friend party. I never lived near relatives and my grandparents would mail my gifts and call me instead. I had a friend party on the weekend.

Does anyone else do an extra party for extended family?

Yes. One party for friends of birthday child. One party for the relatives.

In your situation, why can't the 4-hour grandparents come in a couple of weeks for cake and presents? Are they opposed to that, or are you?

[Anonymous]

Real question, are the local grandparents your parents and the out of towners are ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Growing up I had local grandparents and far away grandparents. Far away set sent a card with money and called me on the phone.

Local grandparents had 6 kids and 10 grandkids plus a lot of family friends, neighbors, and farm hands that all were treated like family. At the local grandparents, dinner was served every Sunday at 6pm. On the first Sunday of the month, my Grandma made a sheet cake and we sang happy birthday to whoever was there that had a BD that month. I don’t remember ever getting a card or gift from that side of the family - just cake and the joy of being celebrated.
My grandma did have a “signature dessert” for each of her children and their spouse. On their month we would have sheet cake + however many signature desserts were needed for the months’ celebrants. My dad always got banana cake with chocolate frosting.

That was then, this is now.

If DD wants to go to NYC, what kind of creep would be angry at her for doing that? It's her birthday, not the grandparents' birthday!

Agree but in boomerville everyday is GRANNY day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One set of grandparents always came for the kids b-days (even when they were teens), one didn't. What's the big deal if you have cake in NYC and again at home? Be happy her grandparents want to be so engaged in her life!

OP here. I'm not sure how this wouldn't be a big deal? Clean guest room and wash the sheets, make sure I have enough food for multiple meals a day, bake a cake, clean the house, cancel events we've already scheduled.

You're phrasing it like I have a cake all made and am refusing two people some slices.

We JUST saw them last weekend, like 4 days before her birthday. Why couldn't they have celebrated her then? Why does it have to be after?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Real question, are the local grandparents your parents and the out of towners are ILs?

OP here. Yes and both sides are a bit miffed. My parents always have their own separate celebration with the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you suggest celebrating her birthday then?
"since we're in town let's set aside a night to celebrate together" This is so weird that it was just ignored and not discussed at all. What kid doesn't want more birthday celebrations? Unless your kid is one of the few who wouldn't this is totally up a kid's alley. Could have gone out to dinner one night, had the birthday song, dessert, or cake back at Grandma's. A ball was dropped somewhere or poor communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One set of grandparents always came for the kids b-days (even when they were teens), one didn't. What's the big deal if you have cake in NYC and again at home? Be happy her grandparents want to be so engaged in her life!

OP here. I'm not sure how this wouldn't be a big deal? Clean guest room and wash the sheets, make sure I have enough food for multiple meals a day, bake a cake, clean the house, cancel events we've already scheduled.

You're phrasing it like I have a cake all made and am refusing two people some slices.

We JUST saw them last weekend, like 4 days before her birthday. Why couldn't they have celebrated her then? Why does it have to be after?

Just celebrate the next time you see them. Win win.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. It gets to be too much as they get older and hate things like this and schedules are full of activities. Once you set the precedent you are stuck.