I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP that's being labeled a taker.

OP (and others like her) don't know how to ask for what you want?

"Ask and you shall receive" has been a mantra in personal life and career. Others can't read your mind if you don't ask for it!

Dude, if I have to tell you give as well as take, you're a child. This sort of "well, you didn't specifically ask me to reciprocate, so you can't be mad that I never do" mentality is just more selfishness on your part. Did you have to ask for what you took/received from the people you're not giving back to? Probably not.

There are people in this world who pay attention to what needs doing and get it done, and then there are people like you who need to be asked to help.

Lazy, and selfish.

So you're just victim blaming? How ironic.

How does being a taker make YOU the victim?! Thieves aren't victims. They're perps.

This! God I hate the takers. Hate hate hate them.

[Anonymous]

People who truly help others to solve needs, are relieved when they can take a break from helping and focus on their own lives. They are usually capable enough that they do not have a mindset of bartering for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who truly help others to solve needs, are relieved when they can take a break from helping and focus on their own lives. They are usually capable enough that they do not have a mindset of bartering for help.

Yep. Usually we're exhausted/drained from helping others who don't help us in return.

Of course, the shadow side of this is that, if we've gone too long without our love/kindness being reciprocated, we become chronically self-sufficient to the point of not being able to let others help because we don't trust that they will.

Reason #toomany that the takers suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who truly help others to solve needs, are relieved when they can take a break from helping and focus on their own lives. They are usually capable enough that they do not have a mindset of bartering for help.

Yep. Usually we're exhausted/drained from helping others who don't help us in return.

Of course, the shadow side of this is that, if we've gone too long without our love/kindness being reciprocated, we become chronically self-sufficient to the point of not being able to let others help because we don't trust that they will.

Reason #toomany that the takers suck.

No, you are missing the point--people who are truly competent, helping the needy, at a certain point just want to be left alone--they are not looking for reciprocity. They just want some peace and quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all of the responses. After reflecting and reading, I think I have a few issues.

1) I think I am closer to certain “friends” than I am. Example, I would rearrange my day and drive an hour to go to a friend’s event. However, when I have an event, they RSVP yes, but then don’t show up and never say anything about it, yet they still talk to me about other things. They aren’t dodging me. Clearly, they didn’t see it as that important to be there.

2) I have an internal issue where I sacrifice too much for others. It’s almost that I’ll do anything to keep a friendship or not disappoint a friend so that they don’t put me on the back burner. The things that I do for people is far beyond expectation, and when things don’t work out, or if they don’t do the same for me, I am disappointed. If I hadn’t been pressed from the beginning, I wouldn’t be disappointed in the end. Example - a friend wanted to go on a weekend getaway with me and was only available for a specific weekend. I rearranged so many things, paid extra money, and had to cancel another trip to make it happen. A few weeks before, my friend says she can no longer go for a very valid reason. If I had the same reason she had, I would’ve worked it out. She didn’t, and isn’t wrong for it. I am disappointed that it didn’t work out, but more disappointed that I did all of this extra work to make it happen, where I could’ve just said the weekend didn’t work for me in the beginning.

Some people are takers, and I think I’ve done a good job of ridding myself of those types of friends. I’m really beginning to think that I am the problem.

Yeah.. I think you need to explore the “people pleaser” in you and maybe some fears of abandonment or of being disliked. I would also suggest not going out of your way to rearrange so much for other people. Although I am generous and go out of my way for others, I also don’t break my back to accommodate everyone. Sometimes I have events and people ask me to change the time or rearrange something specifically for them, and if it’s not a big deal, then sure, I can be flexible. If it’s a pretty big inconvenience, or it impacts other people, then I have hard boundaries. There is kind of an art to balancing when to be generous and when to stay firm in your boundaries so you don’t get taken advantage of.

OP here. Thank you. This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP that's being labeled a taker.

OP (and others like her) don't know how to ask for what you want?

"Ask and you shall receive" has been a mantra in personal life and career. Others can't read your mind if you don't ask for it!

My sister told me this exact thing…in fact she said, the kindergartners in my school know they need to ask if they need help…so why don’t I do it. It stung so bad. I am in my late 40s..and have only realized in the last 5-6 years that how my behavior and helping others was perceived as people pleasing. I see my own DD doing that and it is upsetting, because her school friends treat her the same, with unkindness.

IMHO there are two things:

1. The world loathes people are truly kind and helpful. Starting in ES, I have noticed that kids who are bullies, unhelpful, unkind. Call themselves”popular” are the ones that succeed. Their parents are generally the same personality, so they have teachers on their side. These are PTA high level moms, so their kids get all the opportunities, of speaking in stage, photos in the year end book etc etc.

2. There is a smaller proportion of moms ( and das) that teach their child to be kind and respectful in the last few decades, than in the past. This leads to more bullying starting at preschool level, in neighborhood playgrounds etc. Children that don’t fight back,talk back or are not disrespectful, are in the minority and mostly considered “ people pleaser” or “loser”.

I feel this may be a location thing too. DMV area is ruthless because the adults are ruthless and then they pass it on to their children.

[Anonymous]

I think friendships should be reciprocal however there shouldn't be an expectation to reciprocate martyrdom, self-sacrifice and people pleasing behaviour. You are doing that for you because it makes you feel some kind of superiority - the above and beyond isn't for others, it is for yourself.

It is healthy for people to not fall into people pleasing / martyrdom land and to have boundaries and prioritize and decision make in healthy ways. You not being able to do that is your issue, it doesn't make them bad.

I wouldn't twist myself and my life into a pretzel to accommodate my friends and I have zero expectation that they should do the same for me. If they do it, their choice and no I won't reciprocate their unhealthy behaviour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP that's being labeled a taker.

OP (and others like her) don't know how to ask for what you want?

"Ask and you shall receive" has been a mantra in personal life and career. Others can't read your mind if you don't ask for it!

My sister told me this exact thing…in fact she said, the kindergartners in my school know they need to ask if they need help…so why don’t I do it. It stung so bad. I am in my late 40s..and have only realized in the last 5-6 years that how my behavior and helping others was perceived as people pleasing. I see my own DD doing that and it is upsetting, because her school friends treat her the same, with unkindness.

IMHO there are two things:

1. The world loathes people are truly kind and helpful. Starting in ES, I have noticed that kids who are bullies, unhelpful, unkind. Call themselves”popular” are the ones that succeed. Their parents are generally the same personality, so they have teachers on their side. These are PTA high level moms, so their kids get all the opportunities, of speaking in stage, photos in the year end book etc etc.

2. There is a smaller proportion of moms ( and das) that teach their child to be kind and respectful in the last few decades, than in the past. This leads to more bullying starting at preschool level, in neighborhood playgrounds etc. Children that don’t fight back,talk back or are not disrespectful, are in the minority and mostly considered “ people pleaser” or “loser”.

I feel this may be a location thing too. DMV area is ruthless because the adults are ruthless and then they pass it on to their children.

Being kind and respectful can be done without people pleasing and bending over backwards and sacrificing yourself. Having boundaries and priorities is a good thing - it doesn't mean you aren't kind or respectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who truly help others to solve needs, are relieved when they can take a break from helping and focus on their own lives. They are usually capable enough that they do not have a mindset of bartering for help.

Yep. Usually we're exhausted/drained from helping others who don't help us in return.

Of course, the shadow side of this is that, if we've gone too long without our love/kindness being reciprocated, we become chronically self-sufficient to the point of not being able to let others help because we don't trust that they will.

Reason #toomany that the takers suck.

No, you are missing the point--people who are truly competent, helping the needy, at a certain point just want to be left alone--they are not looking for reciprocity. They just want some peace and quiet.

Is this taker pp again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who truly help others to solve needs, are relieved when they can take a break from helping and focus on their own lives. They are usually capable enough that they do not have a mindset of bartering for help.

Yep. Usually we're exhausted/drained from helping others who don't help us in return.

Of course, the shadow side of this is that, if we've gone too long without our love/kindness being reciprocated, we become chronically self-sufficient to the point of not being able to let others help because we don't trust that they will.

Reason #toomany that the takers suck.

No, you are missing the point--people who are truly competent, helping the needy, at a certain point just want to be left alone--they are not looking for reciprocity. They just want some peace and quiet.

Is this taker pp again?

No...you didn't read the post correctly, I never take and I don't need to or want to.