I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me

[Anonymous]

A recent event has shown me that I go above and beyond for friends when they don’t do the same for me. I feel extremely disappointed when these things happen. If you’ve BTDT, how can I overcome this? Of course I can just stop doing the things, but it seems to be deeper rooted than that.

[Anonymous]

That's because you're doing things transactionally and expect something in return. If you truly serve others you would never feel this way. And coincidentally, others will do more for you in return.

Stop being so selfish.

[Anonymous]

Same op same. AND no I don't do things to get anything back but its really hard to notice being there for everyone in your life yet right now it's the lowest point of my life and no one is there for me at all. So now I feel like I'd rather be all alone than one sided relationships and that is where I'm at right now. I feel you it what I'm trying to say, it's freeing stepping back from these relationships. Perhaps take a step back and see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's because you're doing things transactionally and expect something in return. If you truly serve others you would never feel this way. And coincidentally, others will do more for you in return.

Stop being so selfish.

Found the taker right here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's because you're doing things transactionally and expect something in return. If you truly serve others you would never feel this way. And coincidentally, others will do more for you in return.

Stop being so selfish.

I'm not the OP, but you don't know what they are talking about.

In everyday friendships and within families there are people who are givers and takers. It is not about expecting something in return, it is that if there is ever any need at all from the Giver, the takers don't reciprocate or help out in moments of need.

I'm guessing you are a taker.

[Anonymous]

I had to laugh. Right out of the gate the Taker shows their true color and is consistently called on it. Hopefully they might reflect on their attitude.

[Anonymous]

I’m a past member of this club!

I think it comes from thinking we are closer to a person they they think we are. In other words, we misjudge the closeness. Anxiety may also play a role.

In certain situations, too much kindness can be perceived as trying to please.

I recommend the book The Charisma Myth—just the part on kindness charisma and how it can be perceived in a bad way if we are overly kind.

[Anonymous]

One thought OP - is it possible your people dont know what you need? I have a pretty high EQ and am sensitive to pepole’s needs, so I tend to see and deliver. I’ve learned that some of my people care just as much about me but dont spot my needs as easily. I wish they would notice like I notice theirs, but it’s not who they are. That said, if I ASK, they deliver for me the same way I do for them. Obviously it would be preferable to have people notice but some people just dont - and it doesn’t make them bad people or me and they dont love you.

[Anonymous]

Same, OP. It hurts.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP that's being labeled a taker.

OP (and others like her) don't know how to ask for what you want?

"Ask and you shall receive" has been a mantra in personal life and career. Others can't read your mind if you don't ask for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP that's being labeled a taker.

OP (and others like her) don't know how to ask for what you want?

"Ask and you shall receive" has been a mantra in personal life and career. Others can't read your mind if you don't ask for it!

Dude, if I have to tell you give as well as take, you're a child. This sort of "well, you didn't specifically ask me to reciprocate, so you can't be mad that I never do" mentality is just more selfishness on your part. Did you have to ask for what you took/received from the people you're not giving back to? Probably not.

There are people in this world who pay attention to what needs doing and get it done, and then there are people like you who need to be asked to help.

Lazy, and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP that's being labeled a taker.

OP (and others like her) don't know how to ask for what you want?

"Ask and you shall receive" has been a mantra in personal life and career. Others can't read your mind if you don't ask for it!

Dude, if I have to tell you give as well as take, you're a child. This sort of "well, you didn't specifically ask me to reciprocate, so you can't be mad that I never do" mentality is just more selfishness on your part. Did you have to ask for what you took/received from the people you're not giving back to? Probably not.

There are people in this world who pay attention to what needs doing and get it done, and then there are people like you who need to be asked to help.

Lazy, and selfish.

So you're just victim blaming? How ironic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A recent event has shown me that I go above and beyond for friends when they don’t do the same for me. I feel extremely disappointed when these things happen. If you’ve BTDT, how can I overcome this? Of course I can just stop doing the things, but it seems to be deeper rooted than that.

It is deeper rooted than that, and it's not your job to fix. Some people don't understand reciprocity, feel entitled, and believe that the world is theirs for the taking. If you don't specifically stop them, or specifically ask them to give back, they'll just take without giving. They have very little shame about this, because they project onto the people they're taking from so as not to have to take responsibility for their part of the equation. For a perfect example of this, look at the taker PP who called you selfish and told you to ask.

You need to stop doing the things for these people, for your own good. The decent-but-kinda-oblivious ones will notice the disconnect, and step up to fix it and reconnect. The others will fall off; you may stop hearing from them entirely until/unless they need or want something from you. This is why we don't stop giving: we're afraid to "lose friends". Thing is, these people aren't your friends in a way that feels nourishing and supportive and friendly to you. They're not better than nothing; they're draining you. Continuing to give to people who don't pour back into you is depleting, and it's an act of violence against yourself. Work on your self-esteem and remind yourself that you deserve the love and support you give others.

You'll probably need to make better friends. The good news is that once you dial in your standards, the right people will rise to meet them, and you'll get the same kind of energy you give.

[Anonymous]

1) Stop thinking of friendship as quid pro quo, 2) stop doing "things for people" who don't support you.

[Anonymous]

I take the long view. Favors and services among friends and relatives sometimes cannot be repaid immediately and certain relationships will always be uneven due to differences in age and financial situations.

For example, my much older cousin always bought me birthday gifts. I never bought him gifts. But then when he helped me organize my wedding I bought him a really nice Apple computer with all the accessories. I had kids first among my cousins. None of them really knew what to make of my pregnancy and kids. But now they're having kids and I'm the doting relatives who remembers their kids' birthdays and sends gifts, which they never did for mine. And all that is perfectly fine.

For friends, it's sort of the same difference: we all have personalities that make us pay attention to different things, but we all care for each other sincerely. I have done a lot for my friends, and they've done a lot for me. But not in the same ways, or at the same period of time. Which is also fine.