help my kid learn to be nicer on text

[Anonymous]

Your kid wasn’t ready for a phone. You need to take it away completely and try again next school year. She’s going to wreck herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of 18yo daughter here -- I remember her telling me about my friend's 14yo who had just gotten on text, Snapchat and Instagram and was making what were --from her perspective-- mistakes. She said "He's in social media potty-training and the s&*t is going everywhere. He'll learn to contain it eventually, though." Sounds like that's what's happening with your daughter?

It's good you're doing what you can (as an old person lol) to try to help with this potty-training. Your fears that she will alienate friends are legitimate, but it sounds like she has some friends who can model whatever proper texting behavior is for their age (I readily admit I have zero clue). At this same stage I was constantly giving my kids the (not) Mark Twain quote about remaining silent and being thought a fool vs speaking and removing all doubt. It got in for my son... my daughter is TBD...

This is a great way to put it. Potty training. That’s what it feels like. Because it’s a change in her, that doesn’t feel like her. A phase that I don’t want her to have to learn the hard way.

Someone else said I was way too involved. No. I’m *not* seeking this info. She’s telling me stuff, her friend in the car was telling me stuff, and I get phone alerts for this very reason. Because she sucks at texting.

She had a dumb phone before, could text friends. Was doing fine. But adding face time and group chats is too exciting and she’s making mistakes. (Mistakes ok, mistakes in front of many people when she can’t see their reactions, less ok.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t intended to be mean or trollish but I’ll be honest - You seem very impulsive in your responses here on this thread yourself. Reactive. Perhaps she gets that from you? I have adhd and when in the wrong mood can be rather thoughtless in my responses too. My best friend is more hyperactive adhd than me and oh boy some stuff she says on text …

You could have her read her responses outloud after sending (or before preferably ) and see if that gives her food for thought. If she will engage with that process with you which she likely won’t.

I’d let her face the consequences - she wil learn after a few fights and lose friendships. The more you read of her messages the more you will get worked up. Spot check every couple weeks instead and limit her time on it.

Op here again. How it went yesterday: she heard me out. She took a break. My husband and I talked about it alone after our kids were asleep. He would like to take a period where she steps away from the phone. We’ll keep it most of the day, and she can have it for texting friends directly and for making plans. Not for chatting all day long.

So she hasn’t lost her phone, but we’re pulling it back.

I think what I see a potentially embarrassing for her is others seeing the extent of her immaturity. She is younger than all of them with a summer birthday.

In person, she blends in. We can’t let her do this to herself just as we would not let her do an embarrassing showcase on a middle school stage. And before we give her the phone back fully, the three of us need to have some conversations. She knows legal issues, she knows bullying or dangerous issues. She knows about annoying spammers on group chat. She doesn’t realize *social* issues and manners apply. Kids are not typically worried about manners amongst each other, but it applies to group texting: not screenshotting, and holding back some comments.

Thanks everyone.

[Anonymous]

I’ve learned over the years, less is more in an OP. The more detail you give, the more people jump on you. The more generally you keep your post, the better.

I apologize for being reactive. It’s my experience that I ask something on dcum every 6 months. And I get help. But there is always a frustrating person who wants to unproductively turn the tables on me. When they don’t know me at all. “You seem immature” could have been because I had 3 minutes to type out my problem and don’t care to tidy up the text.

I’m upset by it every time. If I happen to read and respond to someone else’s post, I kindly answer with information that directly helps them. I don’t make assumptions about their character.

I’ve never been tempted to get on a post and call out someone. So when I responded here, I’m trying to hold my ground against someone who I feel is making the situation more dramatic. I’m tired of ignoring these people.

It makes me leave dcum for months. A lot of you are good people, and honest people, but there are others who love, love to be b**chy.

Can’t anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

No I can't because I just roll my eyes at people who post unhelpful things. No one was really that mean to you anyways

[Anonymous]

It's fine, OP. Tough to take but you never know what is going on with the other person who just typed that response to you.

A while back, I posted a message on the Health forum about taking my DD in for a scoliosis check due to some imbalance in her shoulders. The responses ran the gamut from really, really helpful to one poster who was repeatedly calling me out for being obsessed with my DD's appearance and that I should be accepting of body differences to another one who claimed that I it was insensitive of me to post such a trivial issue in the health forum since other post were about people being diagnosed with cancer. I just responded to the good and ignored the others.

[Anonymous]

Teach the parable of the pillow feathers, how bad statement can't be stuffed back in once they are out.

Teach that sending a text message is as permanent as publishing a book, so you have to think before you reply.

Take your hands off the phone while you think about how to reply.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

And the new ones: is it embarrassing? Can it be maliciously misinterpreted?

But the phon down before you hit Send.

Expression is powerful. Create a separate document or self-chat, like a diary, where you can express your immediate reaction privately to yourself before you decide whether to share with others.

I wish the apps had a setting to force slow replies, or delays for unsend/takebacks.

[Anonymous]

As you can see from the comments, your daughter is not alone. Even fully grown adults reply with off the cuff inappropriate remarks, and lash out because they are insecure about their own behavior behind remarked upon.

[Anonymous]

Gee, I wonder where OP’s daughter learned to poorly communicate and overshare online?

[Anonymous]

No one on here overshares.

[Anonymous]

You might check with her school to see if they are teaching any social media skills. If she has a teacher she respects you might ask them to talk to her about this. Sometimes hearing it from anyone other than a parent makes it more "true" to kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might check with her school to see if they are teaching any social media skills. If she has a teacher she respects you might ask them to talk to her about this. Sometimes hearing it from anyone other than a parent makes it more "true" to kids.

As a teacher it is not my job to teach your kids how to text appropriately. I have way too much actual content to teach to sit with other people’s children and help them learn how to manage the phones they probably shouldn’t even have. I’m a parent myself and some of you really need to learn how to parent instead of assuming the teacher will just handle that for you.

[Anonymous]

I think don't worry about saving her from the natural consequences of this. They way you have talked to her is fine, and you can revisit the conversation, but for the most part, let it go and let her learn. It's good for her development.

[Anonymous]

Both my daughters around this age were bullied via text and social media— all their “friends” talking on a separate group chat that doesn’t include them, and then constantly referring to what was said on those chats to rub it in… snapchats calling unkind names, think rhymes with “bore” and “stitch”… my girls are both kind, friendly, fashionable and cool. I could never figure out why this was happening to them, but it was very painful for a few years. One suffered from an embarrassing tic brought on by the social anxiety it caused. We’re even changing schools as a result for the younger one. Op, I’m glad you’re paying attention to how your daughter behaves on her phone. I do think it’s immaturity, but it is attention seeking and can cause real pain in other kids.

[Anonymous]

Op, thank you for starting this tread. I also turn to DCUM once in a while to hear different views.
I check my child’s messages once in a while. I have just found out that my DD was unkind (to say it mildly) to another child. There were several mean messages between the kids on a group chat, and my child escalated by sending a direct message with religious insults.

I feel defeated as a parent. We had a long chat with DD to point to her actions underlining the importance of knowing when to walk away from a discussion.

I reached out to child’s parents and apologized on behalf of our family.

I am at a loss what else to do…