I resent older relatives for not saving enough money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of it is also that people are living longer than they budgeted for, OP - which is a good thing, but also becomes complicated financially. My husband’s grandparents both lived much longer, healthier lives than they expected, and their kids stepped in to help bridge the difference. Not everyone can do that, but running out of money isn’t always a result of poor planning.

Go back to work!

[Anonymous]

So you’re mad at your parents for being broke, yet you’re also broke?

And you’re mad at them for having bad habits, when I don’t know a single person IRL, a single one, who doesn’t have a bad habit.

If you don’t want to support them, don’t. But feel your feelings around it, instead of blaming them. You think you’ll be the “bad guy” for not going into more debt than them, so deal with any issues around that, which is really the problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Set your boundaries and let it go. You can't fix everyone's problems.

It's more complicated if you're married and the older relatives are your in-laws.

If spouses don't agree on how to spend marital assets, then it becomes a different, and much more serious issue. My husband spends a lot on his ailing mother, but she got him out of a war-torn country when he was little, and she's been the glue that holds the family together. It's hard to begrudge her.

That makes sense. But would you feel different if you were OP and the post was about your in-laws and your spouse didn't want to enforce boundaries, but you did?

Then she has a decision to make. She can divorce her spouse, to protect her assets. Yet, people like to blame and whine. That’s also a possibility here.

[Anonymous]

We are in a position to help older family, but not so much so that it wouldn't hurt. Years ago, we went to our parents and asked them to make better choices planning for the future. They declined.

When an emergency happens, we will decline to assist them because we want to put our children first. You should support family, but sometimes supporting family means allocating resources to the most deserving if you can't pay for everything.

Children>>>>>spendthrift grandparents

[Anonymous]

You figure out your boundaries. They may be better off spending down assets and not getting your help. You get to decide how you help whether it's visits, money or other things or a combination. They don't get to dictate how you help. Of course dysfunctional people will guilt trip and manipulate. Give them choices of things that work for you...I can do x, or y or not help at all. Which do you chose?

[Anonymous]

New rule--the adult kids who extrapolated the most from their parents for free childcare should have to deal with their aging needs.

Unfortunately, the boomer elderly parents come after the more independent adult kids because they created leechy kids and familial dysfunction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New rule--the adult kids who extrapolated the most from their parents for free childcare should have to deal with their aging needs.

Unfortunately, the boomer elderly parents come after the more independent adult kids because they created leechy kids and familial dysfunction

I just feel like it doesn't work that way: helpful, kind parents typically also plan for their future. The non-helper, selfish parents are the ones who feel entitled to old age help. It makes what op describes even more frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Around us boomer grandparents are zero help with their grandchildren, they are too busy "living the life", lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Around us boomer grandparents are zero help with their grandchildren, they are too busy "living the life", lol.

All around us, boomer grandparents are retiring and can't wait for their first grandchildren so they can baby sit and be there financially for their millennial children. Two friends just bought 2nd homes so they can visit often without imposing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how we boomers are supposed to refrain from spending our kids’ god-given inheritance but if we run into geriatric financial woes then the kids have a god-given right to push us off the cliff.

Not only that, but they want their inheritance NOW. If I had said that to my Greatest Gen and Silent Gen parents, they would have laughed at me!

My greatest gen grandfather in law told DH he would pay off his student loan debt. Whoever executed the will ignored that. My DH's father called him screaming about money after the grandfather died and DH told him to F off. So the money was spent by the irresponsible boomer, who ended up dying of opiate OD, and DH had student loan debt that was only normalized starting with millennials, because boomers are selfish and pull up the ladder after themselves

Maybe in your pathetic family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New rule--the adult kids who extrapolated the most from their parents for free childcare should have to deal with their aging needs.

Unfortunately, the boomer elderly parents come after the more independent adult kids because they created leechy kids and familial dysfunction

I just feel like it doesn't work that way: helpful, kind parents typically also plan for their future. The non-helper, selfish parents are the ones who feel entitled to old age help. It makes what op describes even more frustrating.

That's why you need to put firm boundaries in place. The people venting have been unable to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you’re mad at your parents for being broke, yet you’re also broke?

And you’re mad at them for having bad habits, when I don’t know a single person IRL, a single one, who doesn’t have a bad habit.

If you don’t want to support them, don’t. But feel your feelings around it, instead of blaming them. You think you’ll be the “bad guy” for not going into more debt than them, so deal with any issues around that, which is really the problem here.

LOL you're accusing a young person who feels burdened by multi thousand dollar surprise medical bill for SOMEBODY ELSE of being broke? I have a top 1% net worth for a 32 year old and I would still complain if I needed to give my dad $5k for some crap that he should have saved for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New rule--the adult kids who extrapolated the most from their parents for free childcare should have to deal with their aging needs.

Unfortunately, the boomer elderly parents come after the more independent adult kids because they created leechy kids and familial dysfunction

I just feel like it doesn't work that way: helpful, kind parents typically also plan for their future. The non-helper, selfish parents are the ones who feel entitled to old age help. It makes what op describes even more frustrating.

+1. We have one set of grandparents that still work and are very well prepared for retirement. They are also always asking if they can watch the kids for an evening or afternoon. Other set has very limited savings, stopped working too early, are relying on kids as the retirement plan, and have never offered or been asked to babysit.

I get the frustration, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Around us boomer grandparents are zero help with their grandchildren, they are too busy "living the life", lol.

My boomer friends are just getting grandchildren in their 70s because they waited until their mid 30s to have kids and then their kids waited until they were in their mid 30s to have kids. They will likely die well before the grandkids graduate from HS and are already too old to be babysitting much. "Living the life" mostly consists of managing their medical issues, playing some pickleball and taking the occasional trip. It's gonna happen to you too now that nobody wants to have kids in their 20s any more.

[Anonymous]

I agree OP and it goes beyond money. Both my parents refused to consider relocation back to their family where we could be here to help. My father passed there, leaving my mother essentially destitute. She sold the house in an emergency situation and went to assisted living so at least she has the money for that. NOW she wants to come back but she is wheelchair-bound and is afraid of so many things (What if they drop me moving me to a plane seat?) it seems too late.