Annoying Stay at Home Know Mom Knows It All

[Anonymous]

Some of her points are valid choices but it's tone deaf and insufferable to say these aloud to people who don't have the luxury of affording organic food and private school and staying home.

The issue is that she's just a rude, arrogant, judgmental person.

I'd be polite, curt, and have a totally "c u next Tuesday!" attitude to this lady.

Is your brother a jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don't think this is a troll because it is so close to several women I know. Like change a few details (but keep aaaaaaall the judgment and superiority) and I could have written this.

The one I know like this is not actually a SAHM but her job is essentially a hobby -- she makes almost no money and she can take off time whenever she wants and if she ever decides she doesn't like it she can just leave, and because her husband is enormously successful, it won't impact their finances at all.

Which is great, actually -- I wish I had that set up. But she uses it as an excuse to be condescending towards both SAHMs (who she thinks are lazy and setting a bad example for their children) *and* most working moms (who she thinks don't prioritize their families enough and should have pivoted toward the kind of job she has, ignoring the fact that she makes like 20k a year and it might even cost her family money for her to have this job).

She's also incredibly judgmental about all parenting and has no humility about it at all. The irony is that our kids are kind of similar and we have similar types of successes and challenges with them, but we'll never be close because she refuses to acknowledge the challenges for what they are and is unwilling to admit that she doesn't know everything and doesn't have it all figured out. It's exhausting.

I know it's insecurity and I try to have empathy for her, but sometimes I just have to take a break from seeing her because she's so much. I used to think she might mellow as her kid got a bit older but then her DH got this huge promotion and they have even more money than they did before, which she is using to go crazy on private school/tutoring/private coaching and micromanage her child's life with extremely rigid expectations about what this will lead to. So it's the opposite of mellowing. Sigh.

I am OP, and I didn't come here to troll people. I don't understand the point of it. BUT, I do think you are right- my SIL is not an anomaly, and it does seem to me, especially now, that many of the people on here are cut from the same cloth as she is. It's also funny that those accusing me of trolling take personal shots at me, thereby trolling me!

Yep, it's probably all your sister in law. All her. Your brother is perfect and has nothing to do with any of these complaints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of her points are valid choices but it's tone deaf and insufferable to say these aloud to people who don't have the luxury of affording organic food and private school and staying home.

The issue is that she's just a rude, arrogant, judgmental person.

I'd be polite, curt, and have a totally "c u next Tuesday!" attitude to this lady.

Is your brother a jerk?

Hmmm. That's an interesting question. I would say no in that when the family gets together, he is still the same loving guy I grew up with. I would also say yes in that money has become his obsession. He works incredible hours and chooses consistently to take on more business when he is already more or less set for life. I am not sure if he works so much BECAUSE he is married to my SIL, or if his general absence from the family life causes her to be the way she is - or maybe it is both. He really never stops working though.

[Anonymous]

You’re mad that her opinions are different from yours?

[Anonymous]

People who are frequently wrong but rarely in doubt are annoying AF.

They're also ubiquitous in this area.

[Anonymous]

People who are that judgmental and tone deaf are rarely actually happy. Happy people don’t need to put down others to validate their own choices. I would view her through the lens of feeling sorry for her, and by extension her husband and kids. Imagine what it must be like to live with her or have her in your circle of friends. I agree it has nothing to do with SAH. This is just her pathetic personality.

[Anonymous]

You left a few things off the list OP:

-she supports redshirting
-she only invites her clique to daily Starbucks coffee
-she's a PTA president who thinks all meetings should be at 9am
-formula is the devil
-circumcision is the only acceptable choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don't think this is a troll because it is so close to several women I know. Like change a few details (but keep aaaaaaall the judgment and superiority) and I could have written this.

The one I know like this is not actually a SAHM but her job is essentially a hobby -- she makes almost no money and she can take off time whenever she wants and if she ever decides she doesn't like it she can just leave, and because her husband is enormously successful, it won't impact their finances at all.

Which is great, actually -- I wish I had that set up. But she uses it as an excuse to be condescending towards both SAHMs (who she thinks are lazy and setting a bad example for their children) *and* most working moms (who she thinks don't prioritize their families enough and should have pivoted toward the kind of job she has, ignoring the fact that she makes like 20k a year and it might even cost her family money for her to have this job).

She's also incredibly judgmental about all parenting and has no humility about it at all. The irony is that our kids are kind of similar and we have similar types of successes and challenges with them, but we'll never be close because she refuses to acknowledge the challenges for what they are and is unwilling to admit that she doesn't know everything and doesn't have it all figured out. It's exhausting.

I know it's insecurity and I try to have empathy for her, but sometimes I just have to take a break from seeing her because she's so much. I used to think she might mellow as her kid got a bit older but then her DH got this huge promotion and they have even more money than they did before, which she is using to go crazy on private school/tutoring/private coaching and micromanage her child's life with extremely rigid expectations about what this will lead to. So it's the opposite of mellowing. Sigh.

I am OP, and I didn't come here to troll people. I don't understand the point of it. BUT, I do think you are right- my SIL is not an anomaly, and it does seem to me, especially now, that many of the people on here are cut from the same cloth as she is. It's also funny that those accusing me of trolling take personal shots at me, thereby trolling me!

If you aren't a troll, can you just take a look at all of the examples that you wrote out? All of the things that you claims she does are self serving and obnoxious if she talks about her choices as if they are the best or only ones (eg sending your kid to private school is fine; saying that private school is universally "best" or "better" is just factually not true). Do you really need to crowdsource to confirm that someone who makes unnuanced assertions that all of her choices are the best is 1) a jerk and/or 2) not very smart/ capable of parsing out the fact that different people make choices for different reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are that judgmental and tone deaf are rarely actually happy. Happy people don’t need to put down others to validate their own choices. I would view her through the lens of feeling sorry for her, and by extension her husband and kids. Imagine what it must be like to live with her or have her in your circle of friends. I agree it has nothing to do with SAH. This is just her pathetic personality.

I mean, you're hating on a caricature, not even a real person. What does that say about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don't think this is a troll because it is so close to several women I know. Like change a few details (but keep aaaaaaall the judgment and superiority) and I could have written this.

The one I know like this is not actually a SAHM but her job is essentially a hobby -- she makes almost no money and she can take off time whenever she wants and if she ever decides she doesn't like it she can just leave, and because her husband is enormously successful, it won't impact their finances at all.

Which is great, actually -- I wish I had that set up. But she uses it as an excuse to be condescending towards both SAHMs (who she thinks are lazy and setting a bad example for their children) *and* most working moms (who she thinks don't prioritize their families enough and should have pivoted toward the kind of job she has, ignoring the fact that she makes like 20k a year and it might even cost her family money for her to have this job).

She's also incredibly judgmental about all parenting and has no humility about it at all. The irony is that our kids are kind of similar and we have similar types of successes and challenges with them, but we'll never be close because she refuses to acknowledge the challenges for what they are and is unwilling to admit that she doesn't know everything and doesn't have it all figured out. It's exhausting.

I know it's insecurity and I try to have empathy for her, but sometimes I just have to take a break from seeing her because she's so much. I used to think she might mellow as her kid got a bit older but then her DH got this huge promotion and they have even more money than they did before, which she is using to go crazy on private school/tutoring/private coaching and micromanage her child's life with extremely rigid expectations about what this will lead to. So it's the opposite of mellowing. Sigh.

I am OP, and I didn't come here to troll people. I don't understand the point of it. BUT, I do think you are right- my SIL is not an anomaly, and it does seem to me, especially now, that many of the people on here are cut from the same cloth as she is. It's also funny that those accusing me of trolling take personal shots at me, thereby trolling me!

If you aren't a troll, can you just take a look at all of the examples that you wrote out? All of the things that you claims she does are self serving and obnoxious if she talks about her choices as if they are the best or only ones (eg sending your kid to private school is fine; saying that private school is universally "best" or "better" is just factually not true). Do you really need to crowdsource to confirm that someone who makes unnuanced assertions that all of her choices are the best is 1) a jerk and/or 2) not very smart/ capable of parsing out the fact that different people make choices for different reasons?

Well, I didn't know I was "crowdsourcing". This is a free internet forum. How can I crowdsource when I don't know who anyone is? I was blowing off some steam. Sorry that bothers you, but I have an idea- how about if you just don't read the thread any longer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are frequently wrong but rarely in doubt are annoying AF.

They're also ubiquitous in this area.

+1. So true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: 1. she's right. Parents who work 9-5 or longer hours are only seeing their kids for 1hr in the am and 2-2.5hrs at night depending on bedtime monday-friday. Most of that is transition/routine. Eat, bath, bed - you do miss out on leisurely playing and no you can't get that time back. Especially between 0-4. A maid is not childcare. Outsourcing cleaning has nothing to do with this your point

2. Well raised kids in safe environments typically don't fall into the troubled teens pitfalls. But this also takes parents who are around and aware. You need to know who your kids friends are and what their influences are. You also need to have time and money to jump into action at the first sign

3. Public school can be too woke. 2nd graders don't really need to know they can be a girl, boy, plant, dog. There is a time and place for these discussions. Also public curriculum can be problematic depending on district. Maybe she choose the school based off what they can afford and what's the best learning environment for her kids. Who cares if it's ritzy besides you.

4. If you can't afford it don't buy it. Sounds like she doesn't need to play the points game. Great for her. hope you're at least paying your cc bills in full every month. As should everyone

5. Many parents want their kids to go to certain school. And maybe her kids want to attend. Who cares what her goals are. Are you cool with your kids not going to college or taking 6 years to finish community college? Be honest. But don't judge someone for wanting more. Personally I think college degrees minus specific programs are a waste right now. But this lady can afford to buy credentials for her kids why shouldn't she

6. Some volunteers don't know what they are doing. Is this a competitive team? Recreational? Maybe she played soccer and has some authority on the matter.

7. Maybe they like new cars and can easily afford it. Why are you keeping track of how often she switches or what she's driving?

8. Organic dairy and meat are beneficial. Dirty dozen for fruit and veg. Why do you care what someone else feeds their kids.

You're the only one who sounds like a judgemental b-you also sound super insecure and intimidated by this woman. Are you sad that she doesn't want anything to do with you? She never wanted to be sisters or besties! Because honestly with your attitude and beliefs this lady is better off not being associated with you

Found the sucker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don't think this is a troll because it is so close to several women I know. Like change a few details (but keep aaaaaaall the judgment and superiority) and I could have written this.

The one I know like this is not actually a SAHM but her job is essentially a hobby -- she makes almost no money and she can take off time whenever she wants and if she ever decides she doesn't like it she can just leave, and because her husband is enormously successful, it won't impact their finances at all.

Which is great, actually -- I wish I had that set up. But she uses it as an excuse to be condescending towards both SAHMs (who she thinks are lazy and setting a bad example for their children) *and* most working moms (who she thinks don't prioritize their families enough and should have pivoted toward the kind of job she has, ignoring the fact that she makes like 20k a year and it might even cost her family money for her to have this job).

She's also incredibly judgmental about all parenting and has no humility about it at all. The irony is that our kids are kind of similar and we have similar types of successes and challenges with them, but we'll never be close because she refuses to acknowledge the challenges for what they are and is unwilling to admit that she doesn't know everything and doesn't have it all figured out. It's exhausting.

I know it's insecurity and I try to have empathy for her, but sometimes I just have to take a break from seeing her because she's so much. I used to think she might mellow as her kid got a bit older but then her DH got this huge promotion and they have even more money than they did before, which she is using to go crazy on private school/tutoring/private coaching and micromanage her child's life with extremely rigid expectations about what this will lead to. So it's the opposite of mellowing. Sigh.

I am OP, and I didn't come here to troll people. I don't understand the point of it. BUT, I do think you are right- my SIL is not an anomaly, and it does seem to me, especially now, that many of the people on here are cut from the same cloth as she is. It's also funny that those accusing me of trolling take personal shots at me, thereby trolling me!

If you aren't a troll, can you just take a look at all of the examples that you wrote out? All of the things that you claims she does are self serving and obnoxious if she talks about her choices as if they are the best or only ones (eg sending your kid to private school is fine; saying that private school is universally "best" or "better" is just factually not true). Do you really need to crowdsource to confirm that someone who makes unnuanced assertions that all of her choices are the best is 1) a jerk and/or 2) not very smart/ capable of parsing out the fact that different people make choices for different reasons?

Well, I didn't know I was "crowdsourcing". This is a free internet forum. How can I crowdsource when I don't know who anyone is? I was blowing off some steam. Sorry that bothers you, but I have an idea- how about if you just don't read the thread any longer?

OP I get it. I don't know why people are responding like this (unless they are sensitive about these criticisms because they see some of themselves in your SIL).

People who are both very privileged and very judgmental are exhausting. That's it. I say that as a pretty privileged person myself. But especially when it comes to parenting, I try to start from a place of empathy. That's not always easy but I try to remind myself that I'm not a perfect parent or person and I certainly hope others will give me some grace when I don't get it right, so I try to offer that to others. People who don't get this are a drag on everyone because they just amp up the stress.

I totally understand why this would drive you crazy, and the fact that it's a family member and therefore not someone you can totally avoid makes it extra hard. I would assume her behavior comes from very deeply buried insecurity and try to have empathy for her even when she's behaving horribly. Also just learn to recognize when her judgment/condescension is triggering your insecurities (we all have them) and forgive yourself for feeling injured by it. You are human (so is she, even if she likes to pretend otherwise).

[Anonymous]

I buy organic food, and find it very important, because of family medical history, to live as healthy a life as possible (less plastics, watch ingredients in food, exercise, sunscreen, etc), but I don't talk about these things. That would be unproductive and rude.

The people I know who have perorated about such things were insecure in their role of mothers and unhappy for whatever reason. And yes, they were all stay-at-home mothers. I stay home myself, and happily! But I've noticed that there's a certain type of anxious, chip-on-shoulder SAHM that obsesses about these things out loud because they don't have enough real work with which to occupy their time and they somehow feel less than their working counterparts. Also usually they have young children, and are still figuring out their parenting.

It gets better, OP. My kids are now teens and no parent I know still talks like this, whether or not they work for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: 1. she's right. Parents who work 9-5 or longer hours are only seeing their kids for 1hr in the am and 2-2.5hrs at night depending on bedtime monday-friday. Most of that is transition/routine. Eat, bath, bed - you do miss out on leisurely playing and no you can't get that time back. Especially between 0-4. A maid is not childcare. Outsourcing cleaning has nothing to do with this your point

2. Well raised kids in safe environments typically don't fall into the troubled teens pitfalls. But this also takes parents who are around and aware. You need to know who your kids friends are and what their influences are. You also need to have time and money to jump into action at the first sign

3. Public school can be too woke. 2nd graders don't really need to know they can be a girl, boy, plant, dog. There is a time and place for these discussions. Also public curriculum can be problematic depending on district. Maybe she choose the school based off what they can afford and what's the best learning environment for her kids. Who cares if it's ritzy besides you.

4. If you can't afford it don't buy it. Sounds like she doesn't need to play the points game. Great for her. hope you're at least paying your cc bills in full every month. As should everyone

5. Many parents want their kids to go to certain school. And maybe her kids want to attend. Who cares what her goals are. Are you cool with your kids not going to college or taking 6 years to finish community college? Be honest. But don't judge someone for wanting more. Personally I think college degrees minus specific programs are a waste right now. But this lady can afford to buy credentials for her kids why shouldn't she

6. Some volunteers don't know what they are doing. Is this a competitive team? Recreational? Maybe she played soccer and has some authority on the matter.

7. Maybe they like new cars and can easily afford it. Why are you keeping track of how often she switches or what she's driving?

8. Organic dairy and meat are beneficial. Dirty dozen for fruit and veg. Why do you care what someone else feeds their kids.

You're the only one who sounds like a judgemental b-you also sound super insecure and intimidated by this woman. Are you sad that she doesn't want anything to do with you? She never wanted to be sisters or besties! Because honestly with your attitude and beliefs this lady is better off not being associated with you

1. Some people have to work in order to house and clothe and feed their kids. Judging this "choice" is idiotic, especially if the only reason you have a choice is because your *spouse* makes a lot of money. If you are so worried about other people's children, offer to support them so they can stay home with their kids. Otherwise, shut up.

2. No one knows if they are raising their kids well until it's said and done. It is ALWAYS hubris for parents of younger kids to claim that the problems parents of older kids encounter must be due to those parents' bad choices. Maybe it is, maybe it's not. You don't know yet. The best thing to do is just be quiet and focus on your own family. People who pontificate on this subject betray their own insecurities about parenting.

3. My kid's public is not woke like this and in 5 years she's never received any instruction on trans issues at all. The wokeness basically takes the form of "be tolerant of people who aren't like you, and also people's private lives are none of your business." There are absolutely private schools that are more woke. So OP's SIL is just wrong about this.

4. As with #2, pontificating on how the people should and should not spend money, when it does not impact you directly, is obnoxious. I also don't believe in buying on credit but it's not something I brag about because I'm not an a$$hole. I don't care what other people do.

5. Again, it's fine to have goals for your kids or to support their goals, but *shut up about it.* When you walk around saying that only an Ivy will do for your kid, the implication is that kids who don't go to Ivies aren't as good. You might think that privately. You might even be right about it. But it is basic etiquette to not say these things out loud, especially not to a family member who might not have the same resources. The issue here isn't wanting your kids to go to Ivies, it's not having basic manners and discretion about your life. It's the need to advertise this stuff to other people and expect them to be impressed. They are more likely to be annoyed and dislike you.

6. I am sure this is only an issue because the SIL is such a judgmental jerk in all these other ways. She has built up no good will, so when she complains about something that might be valid, like a volunteer coach who is a mess, OP doesn't want to hear it. And I wouldn't either.

7. This one is a little petty but again, the SIL sounds like a piece of work in all the other ways which means when she does something not that bad, like just preferring to lease nice newer cars because this is something she cares about, OP is understandably irritated. If the SIL had a good personality and wasn't constantly judging everyone about everything, I doubt this would matter.

8. The SIL is the one who cares what other people feed their kids. OP didn't say what she feeds her kids, only that the SIL has apparently announced what foods are okay and not okay for other people to feed their kids. So she's doing exactly what you are scolding OP for.