Divorced childless friend putting down husbands

[Anonymous]

*probably does the same behind my back as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ARE they tools? Why is it fine for women to complain about their loser husbands to their friends, but a friend can't bring up how awful their friends husbands are?

Imagine if you divorced because of whatever issue, say emotional labor. And then all you see are your friends complaining about the exact same thing. I don't think it is that big of an issue, BUT I do think I'd mention something. I don't believe she is jealous, there could be a multitude of reasons for this behavior, but if it's bothering people or having friends slow fade (as pps suggest), I think it would benefit her and your friendships to bring it up and tell her to tone it down.

It is absolutely not appropriate to comment negatively on someone else’s spouse or children. If you don’t want to hear a friend vent, stop her and change the subject. But someone’s family members are off limits for disrespect. Unless you have zero social grace, which is apparently the case for OP’s friend.

So Jenny's husband is allowed to beat her, cheat on her and neglect their children, but heaven forbid anyone whisper something negative about John!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ARE they tools? Why is it fine for women to complain about their loser husbands to their friends, but a friend can't bring up how awful their friends husbands are?

Imagine if you divorced because of whatever issue, say emotional labor. And then all you see are your friends complaining about the exact same thing. I don't think it is that big of an issue, BUT I do think I'd mention something. I don't believe she is jealous, there could be a multitude of reasons for this behavior, but if it's bothering people or having friends slow fade (as pps suggest), I think it would benefit her and your friendships to bring it up and tell her to tone it down.

It is absolutely not appropriate to comment negatively on someone else’s spouse or children. If you don’t want to hear a friend vent, stop her and change the subject. But someone’s family members are off limits for disrespect. Unless you have zero social grace, which is apparently the case for OP’s friend.

So Jenny's husband is allowed to beat her, cheat on her and neglect their children, but heaven forbid anyone whisper something negative about John!

Catastrophizing is unhealthy. You should probably speak to your therapist about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ARE they tools? Why is it fine for women to complain about their loser husbands to their friends, but a friend can't bring up how awful their friends husbands are?

Imagine if you divorced because of whatever issue, say emotional labor. And then all you see are your friends complaining about the exact same thing. I don't think it is that big of an issue, BUT I do think I'd mention something. I don't believe she is jealous, there could be a multitude of reasons for this behavior, but if it's bothering people or having friends slow fade (as pps suggest), I think it would benefit her and your friendships to bring it up and tell her to tone it down.

It is absolutely not appropriate to comment negatively on someone else’s spouse or children. If you don’t want to hear a friend vent, stop her and change the subject. But someone’s family members are off limits for disrespect. Unless you have zero social grace, which is apparently the case for OP’s friend.

So Jenny's husband is allowed to beat her, cheat on her and neglect their children, but heaven forbid anyone whisper something negative about John!

This is the sad state some women are living in. No us divorcees are not jealous of your cheating, violent, emotionally abusive, doesn’t know how to pick up behind himself spouse. Why would we be?

And to the trolls it’s not that we can’t keep a man….its that a man can’t keep us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ARE they tools? Why is it fine for women to complain about their loser husbands to their friends, but a friend can't bring up how awful their friends husbands are?

Imagine if you divorced because of whatever issue, say emotional labor. And then all you see are your friends complaining about the exact same thing. I don't think it is that big of an issue, BUT I do think I'd mention something. I don't believe she is jealous, there could be a multitude of reasons for this behavior, but if it's bothering people or having friends slow fade (as pps suggest), I think it would benefit her and your friendships to bring it up and tell her to tone it down.

It is absolutely not appropriate to comment negatively on someone else’s spouse or children. If you don’t want to hear a friend vent, stop her and change the subject. But someone’s family members are off limits for disrespect. Unless you have zero social grace, which is apparently the case for OP’s friend.

So Jenny's husband is allowed to beat her, cheat on her and neglect their children, but heaven forbid anyone whisper something negative about John!

Catastrophizing is unhealthy. You should probably speak to your therapist about that.

Friends don't lie to friends about their shitty partners.

[Anonymous]

OP - is she mirroring her friends’ experiences back? I’m a DW - and my clarity now around how f&cked it was for me to stay in my “not horrible” marriage for so long is astonishing! I don’t “bad mouth” others husbands - but with the friends who are sharing with me and struggling, I do emphasize to them that they truly do have options. And/or their DHs behavior is f&cked up.

We’re sold a bunch of lies about what marriage is, the “hard work” we need to put in and the sh&t we need to put up with. There may be plenty of men who feel the same way … but I’m not intimate friends with them so don’t hear their perspectives.

And - oh yeah - the patriarchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ARE they tools? Why is it fine for women to complain about their loser husbands to their friends, but a friend can't bring up how awful their friends husbands are?

Imagine if you divorced because of whatever issue, say emotional labor. And then all you see are your friends complaining about the exact same thing. I don't think it is that big of an issue, BUT I do think I'd mention something. I don't believe she is jealous, there could be a multitude of reasons for this behavior, but if it's bothering people or having friends slow fade (as pps suggest), I think it would benefit her and your friendships to bring it up and tell her to tone it down.

They may not be the most successful or sexy. My husband is great. He earns a seven figure income, involved father, good looking, fit, kind, selfless. I hit the jackpot for partners. I would not go around calling my friends’ husbands tools and losers. These people are the father of my friends’ children and part of their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - is she mirroring her friends’ experiences back? I’m a DW - and my clarity now around how f&cked it was for me to stay in my “not horrible” marriage for so long is astonishing! I don’t “bad mouth” others husbands - but with the friends who are sharing with me and struggling, I do emphasize to them that they truly do have options. And/or their DHs behavior is f&cked up.

We’re sold a bunch of lies about what marriage is, the “hard work” we need to put in and the sh&t we need to put up with. There may be plenty of men who feel the same way … but I’m not intimate friends with them so don’t hear their perspectives.

And - oh yeah - the patriarchy.

I definitely think many women I know got the short end of the stick. Many men are selfish and can be jerks. They are still their husbands.

I don’t badmouth the ex husbands of my friends either. It is just in poor taste. I actually really like my divorced friend’s husband. He left her. I know my friend wants us all to hate him but he is not a bad guy besides leaving my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a childless divorced friend who often puts down the husbands of our friends. She will call them losers or tools and say she is so glad not to be stuck with a loser like Jack. She will say that she can’t imagine coparenting with her ex, John, to have to be in constant contact over the kids and have him be in her life forever. I’m not sure if she is genuinely happy not to be married or divorced sharing custody or she is just a hater. It is fine to be glad to no longer be married but I don’t think it is necessary to put down others’ husbands for no reason.

Why do you think she does this?

So what.

She’s not necessarily wrong.

Tell her to drop the topic or jabs if they are hurting you or others.

If this is another lame hypothetical then thread is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop telling her negative things about your husbands.

Here’s the thing, I’m divorced and my life is infinitely easier than my married friends. I’m 60 though so there is a lot of illnesses, general lack of love, resentment, etc.

I don’t say anything when my friends vent about their husbands being useless, rude, messy, mean, etc.

But the elephant is clearly in the room. My friend came to my house for a staycation … literally spent the weekend at my house 20 minutes from hers just for a break.., she’s an empty nester.

Marriage is hard, living with another is hard, few are just loving it up in their married life.

I’d just stop sharing the negative with her.

Concur

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ARE they tools? Why is it fine for women to complain about their loser husbands to their friends, but a friend can't bring up how awful their friends husbands are?

Imagine if you divorced because of whatever issue, say emotional labor. And then all you see are your friends complaining about the exact same thing. I don't think it is that big of an issue, BUT I do think I'd mention something. I don't believe she is jealous, there could be a multitude of reasons for this behavior, but if it's bothering people or having friends slow fade (as pps suggest), I think it would benefit her and your friendships to bring it up and tell her to tone it down.

It is absolutely not appropriate to comment negatively on someone else’s spouse or children. If you don’t want to hear a friend vent, stop her and change the subject. But someone’s family members are off limits for disrespect. Unless you have zero social grace, which is apparently the case for OP’s friend.

So Jenny's husband is allowed to beat her, cheat on her and neglect their children, but heaven forbid anyone whisper something negative about John!

You know it well if that's the case, it wouldn't be a surprise.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with getting divorce if someone is unhappy. However, most divorced women and men are defensive, jaded and bitter and see world from murky lens of their experience. Without good therapy they can be a bad influence for married friends. Divorce us called infectious for a reason, divorcee need therapy of vaccine and time and new relationships.

[Anonymous]

Term of home wrecker isn't limited to affair partners, its also valid for friends and family who plant bad seeds of their trees into other people's marital gardens.

[Anonymous]

Obviously this doesn't apply to people who actually rescue people trapped in actual abusive and toxic marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously this doesn't apply to people who actually rescue people trapped in actual abusive and toxic marriages.

That isn’t obvious from the responses we’ve seen hear.