Divorced childless friend putting down husbands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you like this person? Is she actually your friend? If so, have a conversation with her about it where you express curiosity about what's going on and tell her how it makes you feel when she does this.

If you don't like her, don't let her think you're her friend.

She is an old childhood friend. I used to like her but I’m not so sure anymore. We are not as close as we used to be and I made the effort to see and hang out with her. I don’t plan on reaching out again anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Call her out on it. Gently. Otherwise she is going to lose friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a childless divorced friend who often puts down the husbands of our friends. She will call them losers or tools and say she is so glad not to be stuck with a loser like Jack. She will say that she can’t imagine coparenting with her ex, John, to have to be in constant contact over the kids and have him be in her life forever. I’m not sure if she is genuinely happy not to be married or divorced sharing custody or she is just a hater. It is fine to be glad to no longer be married but I don’t think it is necessary to put down others’ husbands for no reason.

Why do you think she does this?

Are your friends complaining about their husbands?

My friend complains about her partner constantly. If I ask her if she can join me for something, she’ll sigh about how she can’t trust him to put their kids to bed and how useless he is. She complains about how much weight he’s gained, how he’s been unemployed for ten years, and how he hasn’t wanted sex since their seven year old was conceived. And yet she also complains that he won’t marry her.

I try to be supportive, but I have to be careful not to be too supportive because I’m single and if I suggest that her partner is any of the things she complains that he is, I’ll get accused of being a bitter spinster trying to tear down her relationship.

It’s a tough tightrope to manage.

[Anonymous]

She's a weirdo cat lady.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she doesn’t like women much either. I mean, look at all the bad decisions they make.

[Anonymous]

Stop telling her negative things about your husbands.

Here’s the thing, I’m divorced and my life is infinitely easier than my married friends. I’m 60 though so there is a lot of illnesses, general lack of love, resentment, etc.

I don’t say anything when my friends vent about their husbands being useless, rude, messy, mean, etc.

But the elephant is clearly in the room. My friend came to my house for a staycation … literally spent the weekend at my house 20 minutes from hers just for a break.., she’s an empty nester.

Marriage is hard, living with another is hard, few are just loving it up in their married life.

I’d just stop sharing the negative with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deep down she knows she sucks and is insecure.

I don't know if I'd say she knows she sucks (why did they get divorced?), but I do think she is wildly insecure and putting down other people's husbands makes her feel better about herself. It's a classic tactic. Either ignore it by walking away from her when she does it or actively argue against her. I personally wouldn't want to let something like that go if Jack hadn't done anything to deserve being called out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a childless divorced friend who often puts down the husbands of our friends. She will call them losers or tools and say she is so glad not to be stuck with a loser like Jack. She will say that she can’t imagine coparenting with her ex, John, to have to be in constant contact over the kids and have him be in her life forever. I’m not sure if she is genuinely happy not to be married or divorced sharing custody or she is just a hater. It is fine to be glad to no longer be married but I don’t think it is necessary to put down others’ husbands for no reason.

Why do you think she does this?

Easy…no man wanted her. That’s the gist.

As more and more men exit the dating market or date younger she’ll find her options dwindle even more. A lot of guys can see her insufferable behavior a mile away and she’ll be single until she dies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a childless divorced friend who often puts down the husbands of our friends. She will call them losers or tools and say she is so glad not to be stuck with a loser like Jack. She will say that she can’t imagine coparenting with her ex, John, to have to be in constant contact over the kids and have him be in her life forever. I’m not sure if she is genuinely happy not to be married or divorced sharing custody or she is just a hater. It is fine to be glad to no longer be married but I don’t think it is necessary to put down others’ husbands for no reason.

Why do you think she does this?

she's looking for her DCUM kindred spirits IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and never make comments. But I am so glad I am not married. Most men are just not worth it. She is verbalizing it.

I don’t think this means she is unhappy or jealous. I think she does not know how to interact socially.

I think it’s this. A lot of women who divorce and are able to be financially comfortable after divorce are generally speaking not envious of married people. There are sometimes things here and there that they miss about marriage. but the truth is they’ve been married and know the reality of what marriage is REALLY like for a lot of women and it’s no fairytale.

They want to be honest with other women who are unhappy with their spouses. Because they’ve learned the secret….you can be happy on your own. Few women prioritize themselves so many don’t know this. This revelation makes men and some women very uncomfortable. Men resent that a woman can leave them behind and act in her own best interest instead of his. And women resent them because they are jealous that they do have the courage to stick up for themselves.

It’s best to just avoid all this if you’re happily divorced and keep the secret to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and never make comments. But I am so glad I am not married. Most men are just not worth it. She is verbalizing it.

I don’t think this means she is unhappy or jealous. I think she does not know how to interact socially.

I think it’s this. A lot of women who divorce and are able to be financially comfortable after divorce are generally speaking not envious of married people. There are sometimes things here and there that they miss about marriage. but the truth is they’ve been married and know the reality of what marriage is REALLY like for a lot of women and it’s no fairytale.

They want to be honest with other women who are unhappy with their spouses. Because they’ve learned the secret….you can be happy on your own. Few women prioritize themselves so many don’t know this. This revelation makes men and some women very uncomfortable. Men resent that a woman can leave them behind and act in her own best interest instead of his. And women resent them because they are jealous that they do have the courage to stick up for themselves.

It’s best to just avoid all this if you’re happily divorced and keep the secret to yourself.

I love my kids and family. I am not jealous.

[Anonymous]

ARE they tools? Why is it fine for women to complain about their loser husbands to their friends, but a friend can't bring up how awful their friends husbands are?

Imagine if you divorced because of whatever issue, say emotional labor. And then all you see are your friends complaining about the exact same thing. I don't think it is that big of an issue, BUT I do think I'd mention something. I don't believe she is jealous, there could be a multitude of reasons for this behavior, but if it's bothering people or having friends slow fade (as pps suggest), I think it would benefit her and your friendships to bring it up and tell her to tone it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ARE they tools? Why is it fine for women to complain about their loser husbands to their friends, but a friend can't bring up how awful their friends husbands are?

Imagine if you divorced because of whatever issue, say emotional labor. And then all you see are your friends complaining about the exact same thing. I don't think it is that big of an issue, BUT I do think I'd mention something. I don't believe she is jealous, there could be a multitude of reasons for this behavior, but if it's bothering people or having friends slow fade (as pps suggest), I think it would benefit her and your friendships to bring it up and tell her to tone it down.

It is absolutely not appropriate to comment negatively on someone else’s spouse or children. If you don’t want to hear a friend vent, stop her and change the subject. But someone’s family members are off limits for disrespect. Unless you have zero social grace, which is apparently the case for OP’s friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and never make comments. But I am so glad I am not married. Most men are just not worth it. She is verbalizing it.

I don’t think this means she is unhappy or jealous. I think she does not know how to interact socially.

I think it’s this. A lot of women who divorce and are able to be financially comfortable after divorce are generally speaking not envious of married people. There are sometimes things here and there that they miss about marriage. but the truth is they’ve been married and know the reality of what marriage is REALLY like for a lot of women and it’s no fairytale.

They want to be honest with other women who are unhappy with their spouses. Because they’ve learned the secret….you can be happy on your own. Few women prioritize themselves so many don’t know this. This revelation makes men and some women very uncomfortable. Men resent that a woman can leave them behind and act in her own best interest instead of his. And women resent them because they are jealous that they do have the courage to stick up for themselves.

It’s best to just avoid all this if you’re happily divorced and keep the secret to yourself.

I love my kids and family. I am not jealous.

Your comment is pointless, unless to point out the possibility of subconscious insecurity on your part. The comment above doesn’t apply to happily married people, as was stated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a childless divorced friend who often puts down the husbands of our friends. She will call them losers or tools and say she is so glad not to be stuck with a loser like Jack. She will say that she can’t imagine coparenting with her ex, John, to have to be in constant contact over the kids and have him be in her life forever. I’m not sure if she is genuinely happy not to be married or divorced sharing custody or she is just a hater. It is fine to be glad to no longer be married but I don’t think it is necessary to put down others’ husbands for no reason.

Why do you think she does this?

A thrice divorced friend of mine is almost always making sugar coated subtle digs on marital lives of other friends behind their backs. I always have to remind her that this is speculation and gossip.