How To Handle Pushy Anti-Private Relative Who Left Private for Financial Reasons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Sorry for just getting back to this thread but this person and I are in the same school district (zoned for the same high school) and I know everything there is to know about this high school. I also know she is very sensitive about the fact she had to withdraw her kids from their private school and was embarrassed when it happened especially because many of her close friends’ kids are in private schools and she is very prickly about the college outcome discussion - ie, always quick to point out that “Larla at Stone Ridge is going to Cornell but Xi Yuon Wu at her kid’s public high school also got in - so see you don’t need private school!” But it is constant.

That kind of thing. She doesn’t understand that we just don’t like the public high school for a variety of reasons but don’t want to list them and insult her so I just have to stay muted while she rants. Do public school parents understand that private school students make up just a tiny portion of the student population in this country and that you cannot fill any top college or university or any college at all with private school students so there WILL ALWAYS be colleges full of both private and public school students - it’s such a low brow argument.

Sadly, you just have to endure this and move on. The recommendations above on how to steer conversation in another direction are your best bet. Hopefully in the long run it'll stop as the kids grow up and become adult children. We had a family member who literally used to have my nieces and nephews doing "math tricks" at the Christmas/Thanksgiving table and then would quiz my kids on the spot to size them up. It was insane. To my surprise, my oldest figured out how to lean into this craziness by coming up with some clever sort of joke or statement to divert the conversation and (even better) with nuances that highlighted the foolishness of the family member. I'm not quite this clever - so I just tried not to engage and eventually it'd pass over (not to say it didn't bother me though!). But people like this never change - it's really all about them and their insecurity. Sadly, we can't pick family - so you just have to find a way to deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re so right, Becky. Kids thrive in so many different environments. We all just do the best we can, right? Your kids are doing amazing. You must be so proud.

That’s all she wants to hear. You won’t gain anything by saying something different. You’re secure in your choices , you don’t need to do the same thing she is doing and try to endlessly justify them.

+1. This is the best response. She’s trying to justify her choices and this is what she wants to hear from you. It’s also accurate. Public is better for some kids and private is better for others. If she feels like you’re not judging her, she’ll be less likely to continue to make these type of comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

Why not just avoid and refuse to engage in the topic?

[Anonymous]

I've had this experience with a friend who for years has attacked and insulted the place I chose to move to (Bethesda) compared to where we both used to live (Silver Spring). He couches it in "joke" terms, but really he's just rude and insecure.

I am non-confrontational so I've always ignored the jabs, and in recent years he's done it less and less.

You can either chose my method, or, if you prefer, tell this friend that you prefer not to discuss this topic; or if you really want to push back, tell her she's being offensive and she has to stop now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem equally or more invested in making your point and winning the argument

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Sorry for just getting back to this thread but this person and I are in the same school district (zoned for the same high school) and I know everything there is to know about this high school. I also know she is very sensitive about the fact she had to withdraw her kids from their private school and was embarrassed when it happened especially because many of her close friends’ kids are in private schools and she is very prickly about the college outcome discussion - ie, always quick to point out that “Larla at Stone Ridge is going to Cornell but Xi Yuon Wu at her kid’s public high school also got in - so see you don’t need private school!” But it is constant.

That kind of thing. She doesn’t understand that we just don’t like the public high school for a variety of reasons but don’t want to list them and insult her so I just have to stay muted while she rants. Do public school parents understand that private school students make up just a tiny portion of the student population in this country and that you cannot fill any top college or university or any college at all with private school students so there WILL ALWAYS be colleges full of both private and public school students - it’s such a low brow argument.

Okay…. But why do you care if she likes the school? Why is putting her kids’ education down part of the narrative you need to advance here? I’d be surprised if she’s not picking up on your attitude.

[Anonymous]

You need to grow skin.

Sorry your relative isn't worshipping at your feet for your superior wealth and choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

Why not just avoid and refuse to engage in the topic?

Because then how will everyone remember that her kid goes to a Big 3, and unlike other people, she can afford it, and she's even richer her then her other rich relative who can't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

"That is just wonderful. I am so happy for you and for Sammy and Susie. What are you all doing for vacation?"

Then she'll say that she's going on a road trip to go camping, and that's just as good as my mountain villa in Switzerland (she had one next door, but had to sell it for financial reasons), and I don't know how to politely explain to her that it's really not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re jealous or bothered for no real reason.

She is saying nice things about her public school . I’m also in public, love it, and celebrate when I see these kids succeed ..: and I share all this with my family members who send their kids to private. It never occurred to me that they would think I was jealous or trying to put them down. What is wrong with you?

Me? She's the pleb who things she's as successful as me, despite being poor!

[Anonymous]

OP, did you go to private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal for families with kids to talk about school. I would think it would be weird to never mention it. Why does your relative’s positive comments about public school bother you? (Seriously wondering now if everyone thinks I’m bitter when I praise our local public)

Honestly - I think people who talk/brag about their kids' schools all the time are often flexing. Public school included - most people can't change their house to move to a different district - so even public bragging is an eye-roll for me. Then there are the magnet flex-ers. I personally find fewer private school flexing (and we are in private).

Same goes for the travel sports flex, kids' college flex, own college flex, neighborhood or country club flex.....they are all insecure and/or place value on some sort of status they think it brings them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

"That is just wonderful. I am so happy for you and for Sammy and Susie. What are you all doing for vacation?"

I would say the same thing every single time. What the poster above shares would work. Use the same words every single time because it might make them realize how dumb they are being by bringing this up every time they see you.

Long ago, I had a good friend who attended a fancy private. I attended a decent public. We both thought what we did was the best. Well, the joke was on us. I sent my kids to private, and she sent hers to public after buying in a neighborhood with good schools. She had enough money for private too. In the end, one never knows what will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Sorry for just getting back to this thread but this person and I are in the same school district (zoned for the same high school) and I know everything there is to know about this high school. I also know she is very sensitive about the fact she had to withdraw her kids from their private school and was embarrassed when it happened especially because many of her close friends’ kids are in private schools and she is very prickly about the college outcome discussion - ie, always quick to point out that “Larla at Stone Ridge is going to Cornell but Xi Yuon Wu at her kid’s public high school also got in - so see you don’t need private school!” But it is constant.

That kind of thing. She doesn’t understand that we just don’t like the public high school for a variety of reasons but don’t want to list them and insult her so I just have to stay muted while she rants. Do public school parents understand that private school students make up just a tiny portion of the student population in this country and that you cannot fill any top college or university or any college at all with private school students so there WILL ALWAYS be colleges full of both private and public school students - it’s such a low brow argument.

Okay…. But why do you care if she likes the school? Why is putting her kids’ education down part of the narrative you need to advance here? I’d be surprised if she’s not picking up on your attitude.

I don’t though. I don’t say anything at all but just nod in acknowledgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you go to private school?

Yes