How To Handle Pushy Anti-Private Relative Who Left Private for Financial Reasons

[Anonymous]

I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

You’re so right, Becky. Kids thrive in so many different environments. We all just do the best we can, right? Your kids are doing amazing. You must be so proud.

That’s all she wants to hear. You won’t gain anything by saying something different. You’re secure in your choices , you don’t need to do the same thing she is doing and try to endlessly justify them.

[Anonymous]

There are pros and cons to both, honestly. I have a college freshman and the college admissions outcome in our circle has been tilted in favor of public, but that's probably small sample size. Based on years of discussions on DCUM, I understand that when you're targeting the top colleges, both private and public are hit or miss. There are fewer private students in community college and rubbish colleges, that's all, because privates do select at entry.

However, the daily real-life experience in public can be challenging due to violence and lack of material resources - as can some bullying experiences in small privates, not going to lie.

I would not sacrifice life savings for private, let's just put it like that. Put if you have the money, sure, why not. If your relative just can't handle that you have so much more money than she does, well, that's her problem.

This is not an argument either of you can win. It's a philosophical difference. You can ask her to shelve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re so right, Becky. Kids thrive in so many different environments. We all just do the best we can, right? Your kids are doing amazing. You must be so proud.

That’s all she wants to hear. You won’t gain anything by saying something different. You’re secure in your choices , you don’t need to do the same thing she is doing and try to endlessly justify them.

This. And try to feel a tiny bit of gratitude, inside that you have options. Change the subject kindly and move on.

[Anonymous]

Just squash your urge to tell the truth, be kind and polite. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

It is jealousy. There is really nothing you can say to make it go away.

[Anonymous]

“It’s not just about college, Larla. We’re both good parents who’ve made what we think are the best choices for our kids. Let’s not second-guess each other and just be happy that the kids are happy.”

If she starts again just add “We’ve put this conversation to rest.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re so right, Becky. Kids thrive in so many different environments. We all just do the best we can, right? Your kids are doing amazing. You must be so proud.

That’s all she wants to hear. You won’t gain anything by saying something different. You’re secure in your choices , you don’t need to do the same thing she is doing and try to endlessly justify them.

This. And try to feel a tiny bit of gratitude, inside that you have options. Change the subject kindly and move on.

This.

OP, there are no magic words that will force her to admit she is wrong and then stop saying snide comments because that is the right thing to do. This while things -- for her --- isn't about what is true; for her, it's about mitigating what she is feeling.

You can tell her you are happy for her and her children, and that might take the wind out of those sails for a stretch. But confronting her, even if you bring the receipts (so to speak), is just going to blow her up. It's not about the truth. It's about her emotions.

[Anonymous]

For real, why do you care what she thinks?

[Anonymous]

As long as she is not bashing you and your school, let it be and agree with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

"That is just wonderful. I am so happy for you and for Sammy and Susie. What are you all doing for vacation?"

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re jealous or bothered for no real reason.

She is saying nice things about her public school . I’m also in public, love it, and celebrate when I see these kids succeed ..: and I share all this with my family members who send their kids to private. It never occurred to me that they would think I was jealous or trying to put them down. What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Why in the world would you say you are sparing her your honest response? Like you’re really dying to put her down? Believe it or not some people really do prefer public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are pros and cons to both, honestly. I have a college freshman and the college admissions outcome in our circle has been tilted in favor of public, but that's probably small sample size. Based on years of discussions on DCUM, I understand that when you're targeting the top colleges, both private and public are hit or miss. There are fewer private students in community college and rubbish colleges, that's all, because privates do select at entry.

However, the daily real-life experience in public can be challenging due to violence and lack of material resources - as can some bullying experiences in small privates, not going to lie.

I would not sacrifice life savings for private, let's just put it like that. Put if you have the money, sure, why not. If your relative just can't handle that you have so much more money than she does, well, that's her problem.

This is not an argument either of you can win. It's a philosophical difference. You can ask her to shelve it.

Don't be absurd. Public always has better admissions.

DMV privates are not awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

Oh cut the crap.

Privates are not better than public especially in the DMV

And you are wrong idiot. Clearly you have no idea what math means.