How To Handle Pushy Anti-Private Relative Who Left Private for Financial Reasons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal for families with kids to talk about school. I would think it would be weird to never mention it. Why does your relative’s positive comments about public school bother you? (Seriously wondering now if everyone thinks I’m bitter when I praise our local public)

Honestly - I think people who talk/brag about their kids' schools all the time are often flexing. Public school included - most people can't change their house to move to a different district - so even public bragging is an eye-roll for me. Then there are the magnet flex-ers. I personally find fewer private school flexing (and we are in private).

Same goes for the travel sports flex, kids' college flex, own college flex, neighborhood or country club flex.....they are all insecure and/or place value on some sort of status they think it brings them.

Yes the magnet school flexes are the worst - sure it’s just like a private school and yes, you’re right - not sure why I’m even paying for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

"That is just wonderful. I am so happy for you and for Sammy and Susie. What are you all doing for vacation?"

I would say the same thing every single time. What the poster above shares would work. Use the same words every single time because it might make them realize how dumb they are being by bringing this up every time they see you.

Long ago, I had a good friend who attended a fancy private. I attended a decent public. We both thought what we did was the best. Well, the joke was on us. I sent my kids to private, and she sent hers to public after buying in a neighborhood with good schools. She had enough money for private too. In the end, one never knows what will happen.

This is a good idea and if you do it the right way, it can get the point across without being confrontational or passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Sorry for just getting back to this thread but this person and I are in the same school district (zoned for the same high school) and I know everything there is to know about this high school. I also know she is very sensitive about the fact she had to withdraw her kids from their private school and was embarrassed when it happened especially because many of her close friends’ kids are in private schools and she is very prickly about the college outcome discussion - ie, always quick to point out that “Larla at Stone Ridge is going to Cornell but Xi Yuon Wu at her kid’s public high school also got in - so see you don’t need private school!” But it is constant.

That kind of thing. She doesn’t understand that we just don’t like the public high school for a variety of reasons but don’t want to list them and insult her so I just have to stay muted while she rants. Do public school parents understand that private school students make up just a tiny portion of the student population in this country and that you cannot fill any top college or university or any college at all with private school students so there WILL ALWAYS be colleges full of both private and public school students - it’s such a low brow argument.

Okay…. But why do you care if she likes the school? Why is putting her kids’ education down part of the narrative you need to advance here? I’d be surprised if she’s not picking up on your attitude.

I don’t though. I don’t say anything at all but just nod in acknowledgement.

It was neither here nor there for the question you were posing on this thread. My point is that if it is so important to you to get that point across to us, your sentiments likely aren't lost on her.

I see a version of this question (how to deal with public school parent ruffled feathers?) a lot on this board and although I'm sure it is an issue that exists, it's a two-way street. If you can't talk about your kids' schools and activities without defining them in opposition to public alternatives, this is a recipe for awkwardness and defensiveness.

[Anonymous]

Just don’t talk about school.

Your post sounds like a new private school family. The bloom wears off the rose if you stay long enough. That naive enthusiasm can be a bit much to someone who has been in the private school environment (Big 3 or other).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

The mother of a good friend of mine is a classic, old-school, southern lady. Her response would be,"how nice for you" delivered with a gentile smile. Perfect response.

[Anonymous]

Seriously - why bother? Talk about the weather if they bring up the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a close relative who left a 'Big 3' for financial reasons years ago. Her children are now in public school. When her kids were in private, mine were in public. However, during the pandemic, I pulled mine out of public and put them in private school (not a Big 3/5) and it's been like night and day, especially for one of my kids, who has really taken to the environment and blossomed. We are committed to putting both kids through private high school. However, EVERY time I see this relative (which is frequently) she points out how wonderful her public school is (it is not) and makes snide comments about how the public high school grads are going to the same colleges as the private school kids. Although I have many thoughts about her comments - I have spared her my honest response. I have tried to be so polite because I know where this is coming from but I would like to shut her down once and for all without sounding like I am being condescending or doing something that would impact our relationship. Any ideas?

Oh shyt, OP. Wait until college, and the other parents come here to rant about schools they were not admitted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Sorry for just getting back to this thread but this person and I are in the same school district (zoned for the same high school) and I know everything there is to know about this high school. I also know she is very sensitive about the fact she had to withdraw her kids from their private school and was embarrassed when it happened especially because many of her close friends’ kids are in private schools and she is very prickly about the college outcome discussion - ie, always quick to point out that “Larla at Stone Ridge is going to Cornell but Xi Yuon Wu at her kid’s public high school also got in - so see you don’t need private school!” But it is constant.

That kind of thing. She doesn’t understand that we just don’t like the public high school for a variety of reasons but don’t want to list them and insult her so I just have to stay muted while she rants. Do public school parents understand that private school students make up just a tiny portion of the student population in this country and that you cannot fill any top college or university or any college at all with private school students so there WILL ALWAYS be colleges full of both private and public school students - it’s such a low brow argument.

Okay…. But why do you care if she likes the school? Why is putting her kids’ education down part of the narrative you need to advance here? I’d be surprised if she’s not picking up on your attitude.

+1

OP reeks of school-snobbery competitiveness and the need to point out that her private is better.

Who cares if the friend has found happiness at public, or even just convinced herself of this? Good for the friend to make the best of what sounds like was a difficult change of circumstances.

Smile, be happy for her, and gracefully move on to another topic.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she's really insecure and seeking validation. I would probably just smile, nod, and say, "That's really great. I'm glad things are working out for your family." I would also limit....or not share about your kid's school with this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t talk about school.

Your post sounds like a new private school family. The bloom wears off the rose if you stay long enough. That naive enthusiasm can be a bit much to someone who has been in the private school environment (Big 3 or other).

This is OP. We are not new - have been at the school for 7 years and also went to private school myself.

[Anonymous]

You are being condescending. Great that your kid is doing well at their private. But how do you know that her public isn’t great, you aren’t there. So, just keep saying, you know, kids are happy and so are we. Glad you are too. But let’s agree to not discuss it any longer.

[Anonymous]

Just keep inviting her to lunch at places she cannot afford and you will be rid of her soon enough.

[Anonymous]

She is clearly not comfortable with her decision, but the decision has been made (for financial reasons it sounds like), so now she is trying to convince herself her kids aren’t missing out on anything.

I’d just say “Glad the school is a good fit for your kids.” And keep it moving. She knows your private is better.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line is this relative could voice this thought once but if OP isn’t exaggerating and this is brought up every. Time. they see each other (frequently) then OP should say something to shut it down. OP should not have to put up with the on-going negative insecurities of this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t talk about school.

Your post sounds like a new private school family. The bloom wears off the rose if you stay long enough. That naive enthusiasm can be a bit much to someone who has been in the private school environment (Big 3 or other).

This is OP. We are not new - have been at the school for 7 years and also went to private school myself.

In your OP, you said that you put your kids in private during the pandemic (not a Big 3). That’s less than 7 years, OP.

And attending one yourself really isn’t relevant. You’re a new parent to this experience.