Canceling plans and disappointing other families’ kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is saying that the ds should be resilient and realize that sometimes plans change. Well, maybe his mom needs to realize that sometimes plans change and OP may want to spend a day with her family if their plans get canceled. Fair is fair

Yes, of course. No one in this thread has said otherwise. And OP has not indicated that her friend would have a problem if she cancelled.

This is OP. She would absolutely be pissed if I canceled.

Just tell her now, if the plans fall through with the kids you won't be able to go with her.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. If the other son has to stay home does that mean no one goes golfing? Personally I’d be just as happy to have my 2 boys spend the day golfing with their dad (and the friend’s dad if he’s still going). Regardless it sounds like quality time together. If the friend not going means no one goes golfing I’d drop the mom part if the day completely. Also this is Tuesday so the other mom is giving you advanced notice, not like the night before or something. Decide what works best for you and your family in this scenario and just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. If the other son has to stay home does that mean no one goes golfing? Personally I’d be just as happy to have my 2 boys spend the day golfing with their dad (and the friend’s dad if he’s still going). Regardless it sounds like quality time together. If the friend not going means no one goes golfing I’d drop the mom part if the day completely. Also this is Tuesday so the other mom is giving you advanced notice, not like the night before or something. Decide what works best for you and your family in this scenario and just do it.

Maybe the other dad is the member of the golf club?

This feels like it's not really advanced notice though, because the friend is only threatening to ground her kid. I can see how OP is totally annoyed because now she doesn't know either way way. Feels like the friend is creating drama. OP should inform her that this was very important to DS and ask her friend to let her know by Wednesday or Thursday if the DS is going or not so she can make other plans for the weekend with her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is saying that the ds should be resilient and realize that sometimes plans change. Well, maybe his mom needs to realize that sometimes plans change and OP may want to spend a day with her family if their plans get canceled. Fair is fair

Yes, of course. No one in this thread has said otherwise. And OP has not indicated that her friend would have a problem if she cancelled.

This is OP. She would absolutely be pissed if I canceled.

Well it does sound like there are two separate sets of plans here so I get her point. And I think she’s doing the right thing by addressing her child’s unacceptable behavior.

I guess you have to decide whether it’s worth the hit to your friendship and the friendship between your son and hers which is the likely outcome if you cancel. Might not be because sounds like it would hurt your son who has few friends a lot more than anyone else.

This is OP. I guess there is more to this story because I feel like this woman always treats my family like we are an option and not a priority. I will genuinely be upset if these plans cancel. I really won’t feel like spending the day with her. My son has a couple good friends. I’d like him to build more friendships, but not with people who discount him or his feelings. I think we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate from them.

But the friendship is with the kid and not the mom and the mom is deciding the punishment. In the end though you sound like ending the friendship is fine, and that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine used to flake out on playdates when our kids were young, on the pretext that her kid had misbehaved. The reality is she was a very anxious first time mother, apt to be self-absorbed. After a few disappointments, I learned not to disclose the playdate to my kid until they walked in the door.

I think it’s very rude to do this to older kids, since they’re much more likely to be cognizant of plans beforehand. When I discipline my kids, I find ways to do so that do not impinge on another family’s plans and expectations. If I absolutely must cancel, I apologize sincerely and try to give advance warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your pissed she's discipling her kid? You think your kid's fun plan and lack of resiliency is her issue?

Seriously. I cannot believe OP is complaining because her child's friend's parent is discipling her child. This is insane and incredibly entitled.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok if you refuse to go, OP. She sounds flaky and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is saying that the ds should be resilient and realize that sometimes plans change. Well, maybe his mom needs to realize that sometimes plans change and OP may want to spend a day with her family if their plans get canceled. Fair is fair

Yes, of course. No one in this thread has said otherwise. And OP has not indicated that her friend would have a problem if she cancelled.

This is OP. She would absolutely be pissed if I canceled.

Well it does sound like there are two separate sets of plans here so I get her point. And I think she’s doing the right thing by addressing her child’s unacceptable behavior.

I guess you have to decide whether it’s worth the hit to your friendship and the friendship between your son and hers which is the likely outcome if you cancel. Might not be because sounds like it would hurt your son who has few friends a lot more than anyone else.

This is OP. I guess there is more to this story because I feel like this woman always treats my family like we are an option and not a priority. I will genuinely be upset if these plans cancel. I really won’t feel like spending the day with her. My son has a couple good friends. I’d like him to build more friendships, but not with people who discount him or his feelings. I think we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate from them.

I’m in agreement with you, OP. These friends are being very inconsiderate of your family. I would never choose to discipline my child in a way that would effectively disappoint or punish an innocent friend child. With people like this who are some what disrespectful or flaky, I try to make plans with a third family as well or invite them to something I am already going to that would be fine if they dropped out. It’s unnecessarily stressful to know you are their option at the whim of whichever way the wind blows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ok for your kid to be disappointed every once in awhile. It builds resilience.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it sucks to mete out punishments that punish other kids too

Agree, and I would not go to the spring market either. She can choose some other method of discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is saying that the ds should be resilient and realize that sometimes plans change. Well, maybe his mom needs to realize that sometimes plans change and OP may want to spend a day with her family if their plans get canceled. Fair is fair

Yes, of course. No one in this thread has said otherwise. And OP has not indicated that her friend would have a problem if she cancelled.

This is OP. She would absolutely be pissed if I canceled.

Then she might appreciate how your son feels.

[Anonymous]

Its not like there are no other parenting methods for her to possibly employ other than grounding her kid and ruining a planned outing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your pissed she's discipling her kid? You think your kid's fun plan and lack of resiliency is her issue?

Seriously. I cannot believe OP is complaining because her child's friend's parent is discipling her child. This is insane and incredibly entitled.

We don't even know what the kid did except that it wasn't bad enough for the mom to be decisive and ground him. Instead everyone has to sit around with baited breath to see what the queen decides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine used to flake out on playdates when our kids were young, on the pretext that her kid had misbehaved. The reality is she was a very anxious first time mother, apt to be self-absorbed. After a few disappointments, I learned not to disclose the playdate to my kid until they walked in the door.

I think it’s very rude to do this to older kids, since they’re much more likely to be cognizant of plans beforehand. When I discipline my kids, I find ways to do so that do not impinge on another family’s plans and expectations. If I absolutely must cancel, I apologize sincerely and try to give advance warning.

This 100%. The mom needs to be more creative about how she is disciplining her kid - there are plenty of other options.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what the infraction is, personally. If my kid did something minor, I'm not going to affect another kid. I'm going to take screen time or add extra chores or something as a consequence.

If he does something major - for sure, I'm going to keep him home from the special thing.