Husband frequently annoyed by me

[Anonymous]

Ok so I am on the other side of this. My DH drives me nuts, and sometimes I let it slip. BUT it's mainly because we both WFH 3 days a week and it's just too much time together. I need a damn break from him! It boils down to him being a super extrovert and me being slightly on the introvert side. I just need some quiet and space when our kids aren't here.

He is someone who can take it a LOT more stimulus than I can. He will talk, listen to music and watch tv at the same time. I can not do that, and it makes me cranky to even think about it. If we are talking, I have to turn music down. If we watching tv, I can't also talk about whatever is one his phone. I need some low stimulus time every day, and he just never needs that. So I get annoyed with him! I realize it's not all his fault, and I have spent a lot of time mulling over WHY some of these things are irritating for me so that I can explain them rationally to him.

So I guess that's my advice. Do you need more social stimulation outside of what he can give you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so I am on the other side of this. My DH drives me nuts, and sometimes I let it slip. BUT it's mainly because we both WFH 3 days a week and it's just too much time together. I need a damn break from him! It boils down to him being a super extrovert and me being slightly on the introvert side. I just need some quiet and space when our kids aren't here.

He is someone who can take it a LOT more stimulus than I can. He will talk, listen to music and watch tv at the same time. I can not do that, and it makes me cranky to even think about it. If we are talking, I have to turn music down. If we watching tv, I can't also talk about whatever is one his phone. I need some low stimulus time every day, and he just never needs that. So I get annoyed with him! I realize it's not all his fault, and I have spent a lot of time mulling over WHY some of these things are irritating for me so that I can explain them rationally to him.

So I guess that's my advice. Do you need more social stimulation outside of what he can give you?

No one is saying spouses can’t be annoyed with each other. The concerning thing is he’s expressing it with peevish contempt rather than using his big boy words. Also, nothing in OP’s description makes it sound like she’s as multi tasking and loud as your husband-pleasantly saying “oh look there are soft shell crabs, honey!” should not be irritating, even it’s not something you yourself would say out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're married to a jerk. That's all this is.

This. He’s an a hole.

He’s not even listening to you nor responding to your actual content. He’s just snipping and taking a word here or there and throwing it back at you in a personal attack.

Is there anything about real life/ non-work he is capable of conversating on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man and I've been in your husbands shoes snapping at my wife that way. I did not see it at the time, I legitimately thought I found her to be annoying. I rationalized it the way one of the above posters did - she was pointing out the obvious. Over time she shut down and stopped talking to me. The truth is I was very unhappy. Wasn't taking care of myself. Wasn't exercising or living the way I should, overworking, taking on striver activities at work to 'get ahead' despite not really having the personality for it. Made me a highly irritable person.

On the off chance that he deep down does not hate you, and as repulsive as the idea might be, see if you can get him to open up about how he's doing or watching for signs that something in his life is out of whack. Or I guess you could pull reverse games on him and watch your marriage go down the toilet.

I think this is your answer right here. Either his life is out of whack or he's a basic jerk.

[Anonymous]

Or I guess you could pull reverse games on him and watch your marriage go down the toilet.

So what did you do, PP?

[Anonymous]

Contempt is the number one reason for divorce. He is abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:are you a stay at home mom? It sounds like you talk for the sake of talking, but lack substance in what you say.

This. Can you try to be more intentional when you speak?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so I am on the other side of this. My DH drives me nuts, and sometimes I let it slip. BUT it's mainly because we both WFH 3 days a week and it's just too much time together. I need a damn break from him! It boils down to him being a super extrovert and me being slightly on the introvert side. I just need some quiet and space when our kids aren't here.

He is someone who can take it a LOT more stimulus than I can. He will talk, listen to music and watch tv at the same time. I can not do that, and it makes me cranky to even think about it. If we are talking, I have to turn music down. If we watching tv, I can't also talk about whatever is one his phone. I need some low stimulus time every day, and he just never needs that. So I get annoyed with him! I realize it's not all his fault, and I have spent a lot of time mulling over WHY some of these things are irritating for me so that I can explain them rationally to him.

So I guess that's my advice. Do you need more social stimulation outside of what he can give you?

Go work in a library. Find a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most husband cannot stand when their wives say really obvious things. Stop stating the obvious as if he does't know. Then, you'll see a difference in attitude. Because it is annoying!

Men do it all the time when the mansplain everything but, heaven forbid a woman is making conversation!

[Anonymous]

My now ex-H got like this when he was having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Mine is contemptuous too, and I feel you, OP. When I call it out he says “I’m allowed to express emotions!” Funny thing is, he would flip his lid if I ever expressed emotion in the ways he does (yelling, eye-rolling, sighing, etc). I am working with a therapist individually to build myself up and figure things out (don’t take these guys to couples therapy!) and I hope you are too.

[Anonymous]

Those are comments a parent would make to a child, so I can see why he might be annoyed, but it also seems like you both are talking past each other’s needs. So he feels nagged and you feel neglected. Maybe talk more about yourself in concrete terms (eg, what are *you* having from the menu?) and less about what you think he should be excited about or doing. Let him work to connect with you—you’re doing (saying) too much to try to fill in the blanks. Go easier and see if that’s not more fun for you both?

[Anonymous]

My husband does this a bit. Hes super high strung, whereas I’m more easygoing and chatty. It’s a trigger for me because my dad had a giant temper and would yell at my mom for the slightest annoyance or perceived annoyance. It really embittered her, and was a constant source of tension. My dad loved and cared about her but didn’t know how to manage his temper. I do think there was some contempt alongside that, though. He was often contrite but had no self control. My mom did love him at the end. Both have passed.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I meant to say my mom did not love him in the end, though he loved her and missed her greatly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're married to a jerk. That's all this is.

+1 And it sounds like you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with every interaction, and are constantly monitoring what you say and do. That’s no way to live. I want better for you, OP.