DH Radio Silent On Work Travel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think just ask him to schedule a check in call.

Was any of that stuff asking him to do anything, or were you just texting him updates?

OP- yes, I need answers about schedules. I work FT too. I can't just put my life on hold while he is offline for a week.

With all due respect, do you need an answer before he comes back from Scotland? I'm a woman and I'm definitely a planner so I appreciate the need for answers about schedules, but if my husband is indisposed (whether traveling for work, hanging out with his friends, sick, whatever), I will try not to bug him about logistics until he is available to answer. He does the same for me - when I am busy with work stuff that's more demanding than normal, or if I'm away with my friends for the weekend, he will hold off on discussing things that aren't immediate needs.

You can certainly tell him that the change in his responses to you is upsetting, but requesting that he text you back on a Tuesday night about a summer plan that could just as easily be discussed on Thursday is going too far. Have you ever traveled for work? We both do, and I find that when I'm gone I appreciate being able to focus on what I'm doing and grab moments of relaxation where I can, so I grant the same to my husband. It's possible your husband is spending more time at pubs getting to know his new team (hopefully in appropriate ways). If that's the case then I'd give him some more grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH travels to Edinburgh for work travel about 5 days every two months. Flight out on Sunday, meetings M-W, and home Thursday night. About a month ago the people on the contract changed a bit. I've not met them. Since that point, he no longer calls before bed. In the past 4 years of doing this, he'd always call at 6ish before he turned off. That stopped.

The last two days (he is gone now) he has just gone silent and texted in the morning that he 'got caught up' at the pub. When presed by me tonight to respond (my mother is undergoing various serious health appointments and one kid is mid applications to college) he replied that he just had not looked at his phone. While at a pub. For 5 hours.

I genuinely don't think he's with another woman, but am I wrong to be .... irate... at this level of checking out?

Five hours isn't that long of a time... If he's at a pub with work colleagues (especially new ones), why would you expect him to keep excusing himself because you are texting him?

I think you're stressed because of your mom and your kid's college decisions, but you're making both of those seem like more emergent issues, it seems. Why can't either of those things wait until Thursday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I used to travel for work 4 days at a time every 7-8 weeks. I did not call. I texted and only spoke if it was an emergency.

I think you are overreacting.

DH here. My wife is a highly trained scientist who travels internationally about once a year.

I never travel for work. Therefore I gladly take care of the kids + all household responsibilities when DW is away. Sometimes she texts or emails; but she is away for work (plus there is always jet lag).

She never calls, and that’s fine. It is called trust, OP.

You should work on yours.

[Anonymous]

I travel overseas a lot. The time changes make calling home a hassle and I'm usually exhausted by 7pm.

[Anonymous]

I travel a lot for work and have days when I don’t call. My DH doesn’t like it, but my work exhausts me and frankly the evening activities are work too even if they are in a pub, so he gives me some grace when I need it. I actually prefer to call in the morning when everyone is getting ready for the day and I’m not yet sucked into the work vortex.

[Anonymous]

The "I haven't looked at my phone for the last 5 hours while sitting in a pub" line is absolute horsesh*t and would make me suspicious as hell.

It's 2024. Literally NO ONE goes 5 hours during the day and doesn't glance at their phone. And before any SKIF nerd pedant wants to chime in, OP has already stated he is at a pub drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can you be in “mid college applications”? It’s March. Instead of being mad, ask to schedule a conversation. Use your words.

Tell me you're not working on FAFSA without telling me you're not working on FAFSA.

Also- take your privilege and shove it up your butt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I travel a lot for work and have days when I don’t call. My DH doesn’t like it, but my work exhausts me and frankly the evening activities are work too even if they are in a pub, so he gives me some grace when I need it. I actually prefer to call in the morning when everyone is getting ready for the day and I’m not yet sucked into the work vortex.

Morning in Edinburgh is 2am here.

I travel A LOT for work, mostly Europe and Africa, and maybe I miss calling home 1 out of 5-6 nights on average. I hate missing the call, it keeps me connected and I love hearing how DH and the kids' day went. It's also much easier to jump back into "real life" on return. If I don't call, I definitely at least text and DH sends me photos or videos of the kids. It's a highlight of my day. I don't really understand how calling home could be a chore if everything is as it should be.

[Anonymous]

To answer your question, yes, you are wrong to be "irate." That seems like an overreaction. Why not just ask him to please check in at night.

I travel for work fairly often, almost never internationally, and I rarely call. We will text, but I don't text when I'm socializing with people because that's rude. We usually text before bed, but not always. If I were covering my tracks for an affair though, I'd make damn sure I texted or called.

[Anonymous]

Affair 10000000%. Not a doubt.

[Anonymous]

He is probably with another woman.

I’m sorry but a change in behavior like that is a very concerning sign.

Have you mentioned this change in behavior?

I’d probably hire a PI (they have those in Edinburgh) before bringing it up. That would be money well spent. I’d bring it up if the PI didn’t see evidence of cheating, and if they do, you can decide how you want to handle it from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived in Edinburgh for a while.

He’s drinking with his work friends and going on mini-vacations.

That’s my expert opinion.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer your question, yes, you are wrong to be "irate." That seems like an overreaction. Why not just ask him to please check in at night.

I travel for work fairly often, almost never internationally, and I rarely call. We will text, but I don't text when I'm socializing with people because that's rude. We usually text before bed, but not always. If I were covering my tracks for an affair though, I'd make damn sure I texted or called.

No, APs don’t want to wait for you to call/text. They want all of your attention right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "I haven't looked at my phone for the last 5 hours while sitting in a pub" line is absolute horsesh*t and would make me suspicious as hell.

It's 2024. Literally NO ONE goes 5 hours during the day and doesn't glance at their phone. And before any SKIF nerd pedant wants to chime in, OP has already stated he is at a pub drinking.

Yes, OP's husband should have been truthful: Honey, I was in the middle of drinking with work friends. I was not going to stop to answer some non-emergency schedule thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a d*ck move any way you cut it. Call him out OP. “This level of disengagement doesn’t work for our family and I’m starting to feel resentful. What’s going on?”. And when he obfuscates, point out what you wrote in your OP. Contract has changed, new people, change in his behavior. Be specific and pointed.

I would not get this specific because it will just prompt him to lie and alter strategy to maintain the other relationship. Much easier to catch them when they are not alerted.