DH Radio Silent On Work Travel

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I used to travel for work 4 days at a time every 7-8 weeks. I did not call. I texted and only spoke if it was an emergency.

I think you are overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is crazy. I have traveled for work regularly for 20 years and I have rarely missed calling home, and if I don’t call, I always always text.

I doubt he’s with a woman because he’d probably be covering his tracks but he could actually be excessively drinking, which is just as serious an issue.

Only on DCUM is having an affair roughly equivalent offense to drinking when on a work trip.

Drinking and excessive drinking to the point of not being able to meet basic family commitments are not the same thing.

Alcoholism is indeed in the same category as adultery as far as I’m concerned.

He is on work travel. This is not “not meeting basic family commitments” by not checking in

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be irate but I would be annoyed. DH has a similar travel schedule and while we don't usually talk on the phone (neither of us are a fan) we do text a bit at night, even if it just a check in. It sounds like there are a few life stresses going on right now so he may be using this work trip as a "break" from it all and enjoying going out with coworkers. I don't think it is too much to ask for a quick check in before bed. Doesn't have to be a full on conversation, just a quick "Hi, how was your day?" text.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re overreacting also…but maybe it’s your gut telling you something. You know your husband, we do not. My husband travels for work and we have no set schedule. Sometimes we call and chat at night, sometimes we don’t.

If I don’t call him or he doesn’t call me, it does h mean something is amiss.

But. You know your husband so pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a big change in behavior and it warrants a conversation for sure. He may just be trying to win over the new team .. and that means in the UK, getting hammered every night (I’ve lived there). Hopefully it is an ‘onboarding’ phase and passes. But it definitely worth a conversation

Fwiw I traveled a lot for work too. Every family has their norms. Some cal. Some don’t. Some text. But for everyone crucifying the OP, everyone here would be concerned if the norms suddenly changed in your house.

I agree it’s worth a talk, but Management change seems like the likely culprit, right? It’s some mysterious change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is crazy. I have traveled for work regularly for 20 years and I have rarely missed calling home, and if I don’t call, I always always text.

I doubt he’s with a woman because he’d probably be covering his tracks but he could actually be excessively drinking, which is just as serious an issue.

Only on DCUM is having an affair roughly equivalent offense to drinking when on a work trip.

Good point.

The DH is enjoying re-living his college years of binge-drinking at a foreign Pub every night for one week.

Can you blame him? It is only one week, OP.

Calm down! You sound super needy.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's having a good time!

[Anonymous]

How can you be in “mid college applications”? It’s March. Instead of being mad, ask to schedule a conversation. Use your words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is crazy. I have traveled for work regularly for 20 years and I have rarely missed calling home, and if I don’t call, I always always text.

I doubt he’s with a woman because he’d probably be covering his tracks but he could actually be excessively drinking, which is just as serious an issue.

Only on DCUM is having an affair roughly equivalent offense to drinking when on a work trip.

Drinking and excessive drinking to the point of not being able to meet basic family commitments are not the same thing.

Alcoholism is indeed in the same category as adultery as far as I’m concerned.

He is on work travel. This is not “not meeting basic family commitments” by not checking in

Ok, in my family it would be. I’m still an involved parent even when traveling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I used to travel for work 4 days at a time every 7-8 weeks. I did not call. I texted and only spoke if it was an emergency.

I think you are overreacting.

It's the sudden change in practice that is the problem, obviously. It's worth a discussion to see what has changed, and maybe an adjustment in approach, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I am a woman who travels a lot, and I don't routinely call home anymore. I used to, but my husband and teenagers don't hold up their end of the conversation. I check in by text, but still I am the one who texts more. Truthfully I have put much more effort in being present wherever I am when I travel then checking back in at home. It feels like a much lightened load, and I understand why working parents praise work travel. I am pretty good about confirming schedule stuff and anything that needs to be confirmed, but absent an emergency, i probably wouldn't react well if someone said to me "you haven't responded to my text from 5 hours ago!"

I could have written this. Used to call when they were little. Now I just fall into bed asap because of jet lag related fatigue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a d*ck move any way you cut it. Call him out OP. “This level of disengagement doesn’t work for our family and I’m starting to feel resentful. What’s going on?”. And when he obfuscates, point out what you wrote in your OP. Contract has changed, new people, change in his behavior. Be specific and pointed.

This. People who are saying that OP is overreacting are off-base. The issue is that there’s been a change in how they interact. Every couple has their own rhythm, and the traveling husband changed theirs without notice.

Talk to him. Tell him it’s not working for you. Figure it out together.

[Anonymous]

This happened with my DH and fir him the new team he was working with was significantly younger than the old team. So the work socializing was heavier than it had previously been.

I think he enjoyed it but also felt a little like he had to keep up with his middle-aged self. It tapered down eventually. Sure there were some women in the group but I would not at all assume that they were an issue. I'm sure those women could do better than DH (just stating facts, not try to put him down.)

It's okay to tell him how you are feeling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re overreacting also…but maybe it’s your gut telling you something. You know your husband, we do not. My husband travels for work and we have no set schedule. Sometimes we call and chat at night, sometimes we don’t.

If I don’t call him or he doesn’t call me, it does h mean something is amiss.

But. You know your husband so pay attention.

+1. Has his behavior at home changed too? Maybe you are picking up on something subtle. Anyway, no harm is gently asking for the 6pm calls back.

[Anonymous]

When my spouse travels for work the expectation is that everything is on my plate. There are very rare calls and the occasional text good night. I can’t imagine that I’d need a conversation to make decisions and absent an emergency, conversations about life stuff, even health and college related, aren’t urgent and can wait. We’ve been like this for almost 30 years.

In my line of work I regularly meet with people who travel to see me. Even when the travel is for days and our hours are long, I never see people checking their phones or taking breaks to call home.

So based on my experience, you’re expecting too much.